When you are not lookin

Hi all - it's been awhile. And I admit - I thought I was done with this. I thought I was well on my way. and while I am - I am definitely a few steps back. Life has gone on for me - and gotten somewhat crazy - and in the midst of it - I realize today I am falling back into old habits.

I am training for a marathon - which in some ways is GREAt - b/c some days I focus soley on the value of my runs - and what I need to do to stay healthy and able to run fully. On these days - I run more freely - and love my body. I like my curves.

Yet - I would be lying if I didn't say that I still struggled with restriction.

And then there are days like today - when the run is for **** - and you have this pity party - the f word (fat in this case) comes out - and you start thinking about the wonderful world of skinniness.

But here I sit - fully aware that I will never realize my dream of over ten years if I do not refocus and stop restricting. I have wanted to run a marathon for over ten years - and I will not let anything stop me. But I want to be healthy too. And I can't let anything get in the way of that either.

So much of me needs to change. I need to start cooking meals for my family that I will eat. Okay - my husband will NOT eat vegetables - and I love them. But I vow to eat my salad AND some of what I make for them.

I want to stop eating only at certain times. And so I will try to be more flexible there too.

And finally - a true rest day - where I don't restrict. I'm with Jen. I am up for that challenge. I pride myself on keeping it real - so here's the thing. The past few weeks - I have fooled myself the most. **** shame. **** shame for sure.

You are on the right "mind wave" Erica, and I think you know I am there too. I have never been as determined as I am now to kick this. Stay with your dream. Visualize what an "EDless" day will feel like. Take a risk and try a day like that.
Let's keep supporting each other. Take one small step today. Do that until it feels normal ; then take another.

YOu are too talented and have too much to offer to spend your life on this "thing" we call ED

Bless you!!!


So nice to hear from you! ♥ I wish you were doing better... I've got to be honest... The marathon sounds a little frightening to me... I just know that it would be too soon for ME to do something like that, I guess... And I know that the focus and training would be difficult to avoid obsessing over... I hope you are able to maintain some balance in your work. And that you can remember that a day of rest is part of the training process. ♥ You must give your muscles time to repair. Or risk breaking your body as I have done. :P

Much love to you! ♥


Thanks Jen and Molly - You are both right.

Molly - we talk so much - you know where I stand:)

Jen - I hear you. And I have thought about that too. And I honestly think training is the one part that is helping me - like knowing that I MUST eat and eat well in order to train and prevent injury. I am working on making sure I have balance. it is hard. But last night - I did try what I made for my family. Allbeit scary - and small - i still did it. I am wierd - I know. but those things are the scary things.