Good morning, afternoon or evening to you all wherever you are. Hope you are all doing okay wherever you are.
I just wanted to ask you all where our responsibility lies in recovering from an eating disorder?
I have mixed emotions about recovery as i am sure is common. But one thing which i am feeling a lot of is guilt about the obvious pain this causes to my family. If i am the source of that pain then only i, can do something to alleviate that pain. What i mean is that i am getting physically worse with this ed even though i have started seeking support and this is quite obvious to my family.
Most of my family members take a hands off approach whilst another wants to take a 'tough love' approach meaning checking i am not purging, limiting my time in the bathroom (maybe) and all that kinda stuff that makes me feel claustrophobic and will make me become more secretive etc.
Is this post about responsibility or accounability? I am not sure but either way, how do both things work when we are trying to recover from eds???
At which point does it stop being an 'illness' (sthg out of our control) and when does it become about our decisions/taking responsibility (sthg we can control)?
Am i getting too into my own head again? I don't know but any responses would be much appreciated.
Thanks.
xx
Sreb,
So good to see you posting, friend! ♥ Though I'm sorry you are struggling so much with this...
In my opinion... :) It's not your fault you developed an eating disorder. Yes, your family is suffering as a result. The same way you would suffer if a family member were ill or hurting in some way. You are not responsible for that pain. They have a right to it. It comes from love. ♥ Your responsibility lies in taking steps to recover from this monster. I know that can seem like a monstrous task... Impossible. But it's not! :) You may not be able to do it on your own. Again, NOT your fault! But, you've got to ask for help. Be willing to put yourself into capable hands and let others make decisions in your best interest until you are able to make them for yourself. ♥ And you WILL be able. And you will be stronger for having gone through this experience. No one asks for an ED. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I also must believe that SOMEthing will come out of this pain. I'm learning a lot about myself through this process. I've made a lot of GREAT friends. :) I'm learning that I'm stronger than I knew. That I can be honest and open with others, even if it's just on-line at the moment. ;0) I'm sorry you're suffering, Sreb... I'm truly, deeply sorry... I hope that you will reach out. I want you to believe in recovery. I understand if you can't right now... So, I will believe in it for you until you can. ♥
Much love,
Jen
Well said Jen!!
Sreb,
Very glad to write to you again, it has been a long time. I am sorry you are battling the ED. The illness itself is not your fault. It was developed in order to help you cope and survive. The trajectory, the course of action to be taken, is where you have control. I totally agree with what Jen said about asking for help and "putting yourself into capable hands". It is amazing how much you are able to heal when you don't have to go it alone and have a support system. I think it’s important that the support system includes people other than family in terms of accountability. Being accountable to someone with the actual eating disorder behaviors can complicate the relationship and go into some more codependency issues. Being accountable for being emotionally present in the relationship however IS an area that involves the family and the ED. Are you seeing a therapist and still doing the study group? For me, a therapist has been VITAL to being able to move through any of my life issues including the ED. Speaking your truth and having it validated is SO empowering. You can do this. It does take responsibility to reach out, take risks and develop more of a tool box. Kudos for reaching out and writing here. Again I am sorry for your struggles, but I am happy to see YOU here :)
Jen and Surrender. Thank you for your replies. Thank you for your kind words and your belief.
I guess a small update is warranted. Apologies if i do not go into everything. It is hard to walk through the 'fire' and talk about it at the same time. Strange that i felt able to do it before.
I stopped doing group because i started getting worse and it was no longer right for me to be in the group because of that. I do see my therapist at least once a week. I may be doing a day programme soon cos i am getting worse fast rather than being stable or getting better.
My family are aware about the ED but i can see their powerlessness. I feel mine. So i definitely feel for them. I have been told to 'believe' and 'be strong' and 'determined' and that just makes me feel worse about my position because it is quite clear that i am not doing much right in terms of recovery.There were times when i did just by dint of sheer stubborness and will battle this thing and i truly believed at one point that i could overcome this and now i don't know. That is fine though. I accept that that is where my mind is at. The one thing i do know and which i learnt from everyone on here is that it is really about taking steps even if i am not really believing. But i am taking steps in the hope that maybe it triggers the old me who was able to go for ages without behaviours. I am reaching out and talking through things with family members and 1 good friend who encouraged me to go for help when i really didn't want to.
Surrender, you make such a good point about accountability. I don't want to make myself accountable to my family in terms of behaviours but i want them to be able to allow me to come to them for support when i need it which they say i can do. I am glad about that. I think having them watch over me like hawks will just suffocate me and make me try to protect the ED which is messed up thinking but there you go. In so far as i made a choice early on to start using behaviours like purging and restricting, i definitely feel i got myself into this boat albeit innocently. Without the intention of dragging around and ED for life.
My family keep asking me: is your therapist helping? Like they expect so much in such a little time when i have had an ED for so long. After how long should i be seeing progress? I think she is a great therapist and i feel like having her on my side has helped me do a lot of other things like opening up to others and taking steps at work to help me deal with this. However, the truth is i have gotten worse in a short period of time. Not her fault. Depression fed into that, ease of using behaviours, stress etc. I am trying on some days. On others, i just give up. Anyway, when i think about my future, i don't see the ED as an issue and although i am not sure how i will get there, i just try to focus on the things i want like kids and the creative stuff i enjoy doing.
Thank you for your thoughts on this one. I do think the keys as you say are: taking responsibility for reaching out for support and help which i wish i had done earlier but as you highlight Jen, i guess this is a journey and one we can learn/gain from.
Peace to you all.
xx
Surrender,
What a great point! I totally agree about the need for accountability, and the fact that that should come from outside of the family.
Sreb,
Yes, your family really is helpless in this situation. You can educate them on some of the things they can and cannot do to help. It sounds like they're eager to do so. :)
No, getting worse is not your therapist's fault. But it's not yours, either... It sounds like... And I hope you'll forgive me for saying so... But it sounds like you really need inpatient care... This disorder has strengthened and reached the point where it's outside of your ability to push it where you want it to go. Sheer will just won't do it. It's an elephant. No amount of pushing will make it move. (I was once quite offended when someone called my eating disorder the "elephant" in the room! But now I can see the term's appropriateness! Hahahaha!)
I totally agree that you developed your ED to cope and survive. And thank God you did! But now it's killing you... It's time, friend... You can let it go... With HELP... ♥
Love you!
Jen
sweet sisterhood-
my brother-in-law was recently diagnosed with diabetes. this was no surprise to him. it runs in his family and he eats very unhealthfully, leads a fairly sedentary lifestyle, and is vastly overweight. my sister is FURIOUS with him.
my sis recently confessed to me that she is so angry with her hub for allowing this to happen and for not doing anything about it AT ALL now that he has an official diagnosis. she cried and asked me what it will take for him to change his ways: he won't do it for himself, she said he won't do it for her, so now she's playing the *do it for the kids* card.
this senario has been bouncing around in my brain for a while now... how is his situation any different than mine? he has eating patterns that are probably emotionally driven, they probably have cause and effect and conditioning... he COULD exercise more but doesn't. how is this ANY different that me living a lifestyle that promotes an eating disorder? how is it any different than my otc abuse, my limited consumption, my running, my e-x-c-u-s-e-s??????
there is one difference that stands out to me- the push for therapy. i believe my brother-in-law needs therapy as much as i do. he needs to learn to respond differently to his emotions and his environment. forgive for not knowing very much about diabetes, but it seems to me that therapy is not the first thing that comes to people's minds when it comes to treating diabetes. but therapy IS the first choice for those with eating disorders.
so what is my point? we all have fucked up ways of dealing with our emotions that are more then likely connected with food. some people develop eating disorders while others may develop diabetes. not taking action when you have received a diagnosis of diabetes IS irresponsible...but nonetheless very very very difficult. just as taking action for something as difficult and personal as an eating disorder. i'm not saying that it's not difficult- i am the fucking pot calling the kettle black, for gawd's sake...
just a thought..
all my love, my sisterhood-
amy
xoxox
Interesting thought Amy. I guess when i see people who are extremely overweight, i am thinking the same thing. Like why do they not get as much help for their eating disorder. It is weird but when people think ed's, i think they tend to think more in terms of anorexia and bulimia but there are many more people overweight i imagine and with food related disorders like diabetes and i imagine that therapy may not be the first thing they are recommended. Hmm.
Not sure but i agree that the difference is about what can we do to get help. If therapy is it, then so be it. No matter what your issue is. I just hate that word therapy. We should all have someone we can talk things through who is not related to us personally. Sort of like a mentor.
Plus, i do not think that an ED is sort of a lifestyle thing. At some point, it feels as if our hands are bound and as though we are compelled to carry out behaviours. Acknowledging that it is way out of our control, is, i reckon, the first step in healing. And that applies to any 'issue'.
Love.
xx