Where is happiness

I feel so out of control! Not just everyonce in a while, but all the time and I am so sick of this. I am unhappy with everything I do. I eat and I'm unhappy, I starve and I am unhappy. Tonight I feel like I binged (definitly not the worst I've done) but I didn't even make my calorie cound for the day and I feel like I've eaten everything.
My mom finally wanted a normal dinner with me an I freaked out cause I was going to go over the calories that I feel acceptable. And I ate dessert too... And I should be okay with it cause it wasn't even a ton of food though now that my day is ruined I want to take out everything in my pantry and eat it. Gah!!! I am so fustrated.
To make matters worse my mom started talking about my "previous" ED at dinner. I can't talk to get so I just kept nodding. They don't mention it for like a whole year and now they do!?! I was so embarrassed and feel guilty because im falling into bad habits. The only good habit I've stayed away from for two weeks now is purging but that doesn't help me feel any better because I am still battling with all this uncertainty and depression inside. Sorry for the random ranting I'm just having a bad night...

Allee

Allee....thank you for sharing with us. Can you see how this shows how controlling your weight or food is not the key to happiness? I think it takes time to realize that, but maybe this is a threshold for you. You can see that controlling your food and/or weight will not make you happy, and is likely causing you a lot of unhappiness.
What about therapy? I apologize for not recalling if you are seeing a professional, but if not, please consider it! You don't deserve to continue in this dangerous and painful cycle. What do YOU think you need at this point to help you recover? What about sharing with your family that you are struggling? Are they supportive, or have they been in the past? Please get some help....take care....Jan

Allee,

It's possible that your mom is bringing up your past struggles now because she DOES know you're struggling again... Or, maybe she just hopes you're not... There's no way to know for sure until you talk to her... You DO need to, sweetie... I know it's a difficult and scary conversation to have... But try to remember that you shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed. You have done NOTHING wrong. It's the nature of the ED... Asking for help shows maturity and self-care. ♥

Love,

Jen

No I am not getting any outside help. Right now I'm alone besides this website. I just, icant tell them! They will e so disappointed and mydads already so drpressed with not having a normal day job and working at restaurants... And my mom is home all the time cause she quit her second job and it would suffocate me, having her know that is. I'm just not ready to speak up. I can't. And I don't know how to do this on my own

Allee,

This site is an enormous source of support! Please keep writing, and know that you CAN get help here! ♥ But, you also need to get help from people IN your life... You know? :) The annonymity here has really helped me... It allowed me to ask my questions freely, admit to others and myself the truth, and eventually, when I was ready, to seek help from a therapist. I worked with a therapist and joined some support groups for months before I told my mom. But my situation is different. I'm older. I live independently. I respect the fact that you are not ready to have this conversation with your mom. Only YOU can know what your situation is like. But at some point, it will be important for you to tell her... And it is important, now, for you to seek help from SOMEone... What about a school counselor? Or someone at church?

Thinking of you, dear! Hang in there! ♥

Love,

Jen

I told a friend recently and i've been talking to my boyfriend. I plan on trying out an EDA meeting soon... And I want to talk to a school cousler when college starts back up. I
know I need help. I'm not as sick as I once was and find myself binging more than restricting which bothers me more than anything! I'm thankful I found this site, it helps me rant and ask questions like you said. I'm just thankful for all the support everyone on this site. I would go crazy without it

Allee,

It sounds like you have already taken steps to ask others for help! That's GREAT! ♥ And the EDA would be wonderful! I attend EDA meetings, too. It's nice to be able to talk about my ED stuff and know that I'm not being judged; everyone understands... I understand your frustration with the binges... For me, my restriction was all about keeping a balance... In a sick way, I tried to eat as little as possible, but enough so that I wouldn't binge. But binges still happened, and they always sent me into a spiral. Nowadays, my binges are behind me. :) And it's ONLY because I'm no longer restricting. In fact, I've learned that I need more food than I was eating, so in the past, I was actually restricting even when I thought I wasn't... Frustrating... But... I'm a healthy size now. And eating twice as much as I used to. And exercising a fraction of what I was. And MAINTAINING! Which is absolutely astounding to me! ♥ Keep working at it, Allee! You'll get there! :D

Love,

Jen