Where IS MY LINE bt can and can't

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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if you believe you can, or you believe you can't, you are probably right!

i copied this quote from jan's fb page b/c currently the ideas of what i CAN and CAN NOT control have been running marathons around my cranium.

for the most part, i believe that on-lookers, family members, and loved ones [those chosen few who know a bit more about me] can see my situation in a *it's all amy* light. it's ME that makes the decisions that hurt me. they believe with honest care and love that i can simply make the decision to STOP these harmful behaviors.

i have lectured and continue to lecture myself with the *amy, get over yourself and just DO THIS*. i too have believed that i should be able to simply make the decision to stop these harmful behaviors...and that will be that.

[[here comes carrie bradshaw---]] i couldn't help but wonder: where IS the line b/t can and can't? can a person truly WANT change in their life but truly be unable? is it unwillingness? habit? status quo? illness? where IS MY LINE b/t can and can't?

it's no secret: my last therapy session HURT me. yes, simply put- IT HURT ME. my emotions or brain or whatever failed to provide cushion or protection from such an unfathomable blow. i am ill-equipped, my sisterhood, for basic chattering-discussion in a therapist's office. twisting, turning, panic-attack inducing pain... why? why does this HURT me so badly?

my knee **** reflex that leads to full-throttle respond in a *THAT'S NOT ME manner* kicked in... *get over yourself amy. it's not that bad. eat the fucking meal. sit with the fucking meal. move on with life. good gawd, how hard could that possibly be?*

i have started over and started over and started over so many gawd ****ed times in my life it's sickening. *today is the day*... and you know what? sometimes it worked....for a fucking minute.

as the panic-inducing information has been given time to steep in my mind, a strange batch of possible conclusions have brewed- like a chai soy latte....

there is no ONE thing for me to change. NOTHING- and i mean NOTHING- is independent of another... so closely linked like the perfect mousetrap, the dominoes fall bringing about action from the next dependent factor... sounds almost poetic...rhythmic...the cause and effect process of dominoes. but don't be fooled. there's nothing poetic or rhythmic about the messy, ugly, and hurtful MOUSETRAP that occurs thoughout my body and soul.

this is what the picture can look like: if i AM actually able to *get over myself* and take back some control....and actually decrease a harmful behavior, something somewhere else flairs up in order to try to maintain that fucked up status quo. so I CAN INDEED change some behaviors.... what i CAN NOT DO is keep up with the messy, painful trail that baits me... luring me to chase and chase and continue to chase...until i'm right back to the original behavior i was trying to control---it kicks in to compensate for all the fucked up mess along the endless cyclical trail.

in conclusion????? i don't know yet. the mind and soul are powerful emotional enities that seem to work against me in the sloppiest, messiest, most painful manner. can i change? i mean really...can i change? do i WANT to change? is it the discomfort and confusion that scares me into thinking i'll continue to stumble through my briar patch status quo? i don't know yet.

therapy hurt me. what was said, the conclusions that were drawn just hurt me. my emotional sensitivities are raw... i am beginning to really understand that i can NOT change on my own. and...i can NOT ALLOW myself the misfortune of continuing my life in this manner. so maybe... just maybe... a little teeny change at a time, i can lasso bit by bit enough change to learn how to really move through life in a less personally painful manner.

i can change with HELP. but **** it! that HELP HURTS SO BADLY! thank you for reading, my sweet sisterhood of mirrors.....

trying to chase away the little digging claws of denial in order to free up some energy to MOVE FORWARD.....
xoxo

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Amy, I am really sorry that you are hurting right now and having a hard time :( I know that things are painful and really difficult, but I do want you to know that I am very very proud of you, and I do look up to you greatly.

"i am beginning to really understand that i can NOT change on my own.." This is a really big step. I know it may hurt, but it's HUGE! And It is something I am striving to realize myself.

Hang in there sweet soul. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings and love and peace to you. *Kasee*

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kasee, my fairy-god-daughter....
thank you for your kindness...and for reading my woes.
*i can't do it*... that little voice wimpers such statements... the domino effect kicks in when i try... doors are slamming in my face.
and all the while, i have a neighbor who has been diagnosed with a very serious stage of cancer. sickly, losing her hair, in great pain- she is doing all that she can to change the course of her diagnosis....for herself- for her hub- for her children.
talk about huge fucking guilt!!! and the battles i undergo trying to combat what i really can or can't dooooooo.
i'm embarrassed and ashamed... and have deeper conditioned responses that further punish me. twirling, trying to grasp some control--ending up with hives, pains, and ice-packs... uuuugh. ridiculously tragic.
i love you, girlie.
thinking of you sweetie, xoxo

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Oh Amy - I am so sorry you are going through this pain. It sucks and it is raw and it sucks. And I hope that your inner strong self reigns over the voice - the voice that prevents us from moving forward. But I believe in you:)! xoxox

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Amy: Thank God I have you to write out exactly how I am feeling also..... since I can't say it, I just sit and read your post and nod my head up and down furiously, saying "yep, that's me" over and over. I think the worst part is knowing we can't change it ourselves. It's that f--cking control thing. Why can't I just get over myself?? I ask myself that question a hundred times a day. And every day I visualize how I am going to change this or that and then cannot. Self inflicted misery and illness.... I guess that is what makes us SO ANGRY with ourselves.
Having said all that, I guess we are both learning:
A. It is an illness and we do need help
B. It really does no good to beat ourselves up... in fact that just perpetuates the problem. (probably spelled that wrong, we really need to get spell check on this site).....

Please know that I love you and am thinking of you and the best advice I can give is B above; don't beat yourself up. I am finding if I just forgive myself for being the stupid F-up I am, it's much easier to loosen up a little.... Right now (after therapy today) I am challenging myself to stop a certain behaviour and just see how bad it gets. I am saying to myself, let's just see how much fear, discomfort and guilt I can handle. Maybe it won't be as bad as I fear. Or if it is, I can always go back to the way I was. That's how I got off the diuretics, seriously. I just said I am prepared to blow up and will challenge my body to see what it will do in response. I felt pretty miserable for a few weeks, but since I was expecting it and had even planned for it, it didnt seem that bad

Make any sense at all????
Anyway, I love you and am always praying for you Amy

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Molly,
I agree, it does not good to beat yourself up. And you spelled ‘perpetuate’ correctly! I can see that by facing the fear of giving up the diuretics, it has propelled you to seek other ways to move forward. It’s still not easy, but you have proven to yourself that you CAN handle the discomfort!!
You make a lot of sense…take care…Jan :heart:

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Wow wow wow....I do like that quote (why else would I put it on my FB page?), but I think the issue of recovery is too complex to apply this quote literally.
I do believe that when we believe we can achieve something, it certainly helps, and when we are given no hope, it stops right there. I also would like to add a disclaimer to that quote: "No one should be expected to face life alone.", or something like that.
We all expect too much of ourselves. And we are often too stubborn to accept that we need help, or that others can offer us something that we can't offer ourselves. Therein lies much of the problem.
YES, there is a point when one is suffering from an eating disorder when they CANNOT help themselves, they CANNOT break the cycle without help. The main reason is due to what the chaotic eating cycle (starvation)does to one's mind. (Read the Ancel Keys' starvation study)
I use to beat myself up constantly for being such a **** up, for hurting everyone in my life, for costing my family so much money, for, for, for......but I now realize...would I have chosen NOT to change for over 37 years had I been able to choose otherwise? Did I WANT to stay sick? HELL NO!! And none of you reading this do either! We did not ask to suffer with an eating disorder and all the pain that accompanies it, nor would we EVER put this on our families, friends, or anyone else. So why do we continue to blame ourselves? It's the nature of the beast. Realizing this, I hope that you, Amy, and anyone else, will try to ease up on yourself, and embrace the help that is available to you, cry on the shoulders of those who want to help and understand, and for YOUR sake, do whatever it takes to save your life..because that is what this is really all about. Sigh....I love you all, and care deeply. Change is hard, but I believe that dying is harder....for those who love you and care about you.
Jan ♥

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erica, hon-
thank you for the support and for fighting for me. you are a doll... xoxo

molly, my ohio-valley sis-
i am truly stunned that you *get* what i have been writing lately. i barely *get* my writing lately.
and yes, what you say makes sense to me. much love xoxoxo

poetic jan-
so damned serious, yet so beautifully expressed. thank you for your additional disclaimers and for your loving, personal comments. we love you too...xoxoxo

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True... I did not choose to develop an eating disorder. It happened. As the result of an endless spiraling stew of emotions, genetics, environmental crap, abuse, baggage, sensitivities, etc... Do I want to suffer? Do I want others to suffer because of me? NOOOO!! But do I want to live without my eating disorder? ...Yes, BUT... It's SCARY... How crazy is that??? Getting WELL is SCARY!!!!! CAN I do it? Yes, I believe I can... ♥ I've proven I can. And yet, I'm drawn back. Why? Self-sabotage. Fear. Having to face all those things my eating disorder behaviors were masking. Can I live my life WITH those things? I don't think I can... That's where I get stuck.

Love to you all,

Jen

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Jen: Yes you CAN! Believe in yourself, sister. You have proven what you can do and I hope you are through the worst of it. You may get stuck, but it will be temporary and then you will soar forward. You are such an inspiration to all of us.
Love to you

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Amy (and whose stitches made this thread stronger),
Your Carrie Bradshaw moment was penetrating, cutting open the seal on questions that ultimately lead to what? Hopefully a place where we find ourselves on the other side For REAL.
Right now I thank you for those questions, they stir up compassion, compassion and softness, ingredients vital to moving on. I read Jan and see that along with work and time, compassion, patience, and acceptance make the questions less sharp, and more able to transform to answers.
Thank you a million times for allowing me to wake up and feel inspired and less alone in this, what today feel less like a triumphant journey and more like a struggle.
Love,
Patsy

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The wisdom continues with each post here. Patsy, you are never alone, although there are times you may feel that. Wishing you more peace and less struggle each day forward...Jan ♥

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sky-writers jen and patsy...

your distinct personal writing styles sing to me. ours is a painful language, yet the sharing of such pain AND confusion is somehow comforting.

i know my carrie bradshaw moments tend to open up questions that lead to more questions... currently i am overflowing with the hot-lava-questions that burn my soul and being... burning, searing questions and no answers.

thank you for your songs of truth...

sometimes it takes a village... thank you for my village of sisterhood....
xoxo

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Amy

Hi there girl...if you believe you can, or you believe you can't, you are probably right!

Thats exactly right..if you tell yourself you can then YOU can and YOU WILL.With HELP it does get easier..it does.Just keep pushing through all the BULLSHIT ED crap ..You are STRONG..tell yourself that you will get stronger ..YOU WILL START to BELIEVE yourself .I know you are stonger than you make yourself out to be...I just know!
I don't mean to make it sound easy because Lord knows its not ..BUT just keep pushing through it Amy!

I believe in you!

LOVE Warrior Grace!

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YOU CAN FIND THAT FREEDOM..

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Wow.Amy this post is quite thought provoking and basically sums up where i am at.i hate to say that my head is buried so far in the sand that i cannot see much light.do i believe i can recover? i dont know. i think knowledge of previous failures,length of time spent with ed,overwhelming emotions that came with normal eating + inability to deal with that all serve to blind me.death is an inevitability in life.so why not fron an ed? i guess simply bcos of the pain it would cause others.fighting + losing constantly feels a lot more painful from my perspective than the fight itself.clearly recovery is possible + we have our part to play as well as the need 4 support from others.i guess i still c a degree of choice.i know that 2 b the case since sometimes i make the right choice + sometimes,i dont.but i do think our choice is hampered by the obsessiveness which an ed entails + by habit.almost as if the brain knows no other way of being.in conclusion...thanx 4 ur thought provoking post.Hope u all find ur way home.x

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Yes, life includes death. It's all part of the experience of living. But suffering from an ED... I don't think anyone WITH an ED is TRULY living... Obsessing. Existing. Suffering. Watching the clock. Counting the calories. Pinching the "fat". Anxious. Fearful. Cautious. Pained.

You're right that the ED can make it impossible to choose. To consistently choose LIFE. The ED wants us to remain sick. I do not believe that ANYone would choose the slow suffering, suffocating death of an ED. And yet it happens. Why?? Habit? Well, sure... Habits are hard to break. I think you're sooo right when you say that the brain knows no other way to be. It's so hard to change, even when we are desperate to do so, when we don't know how and are terrified of what might happen IF... Eventually, I hope we all reach that point of absolute desperation, when it feels like you're even willing to put your care and decisions into another's hands, at the risk of what might happen IF... For me, I accepted that MY way wasn't working. I reminded myself, and continue to, that I am not able to see clearly and cannot be trusted to know what is in my own best interest. I had to put my trust (so HARD) and blind faith in others. And what do you know?? They were RIGHT! ♥

Still hard, Sreb... But I'm in a better place to be able to SEE... To reason. To LIVE... And I tell you what I know for sure. It beats the HELL out of dying from an ED! ♥

Love you, dear!

Jen

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You say it well Jen. Sreb, It sounds as if you are stuck with so many emotions and the ED thought patterns, it is causing you a lot of hopelessness. Your physiological state is likely a big part of this. And, the thought patterns do create their own neurological pathways, like a 'rut' of sorts, so changing that is hard, but NOT impossible! I have seen and experienced that point where the desperation actually took me to my knees, where I could accept that I no longer could make the best decisions for myself.
The nature of the ED insists on this in order for us to find our way to freedom. Focusing on the past is not usually helpful, but it's hard not to. I wish you the energy and motivation to take the steps forward..to your health and happiness. I believe it is there..you have to fight for it!!
Take care...love you friend!!
Jan ♥

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Jen, much of what u write reinforces the choice element in recovery.like choosing 2 trust others,choosing 2 follow a meal plan,seeking therapy etc.i wonder what the difference is betw those who live through it + those who dont + choosing recovery must b a crucial part of it.as well as outside help + support.i.agree that dying from an ed is definitely not the way 2 go.no parent dreams it 4 their child + no child hopes it 4 their future.i do not wish 2 play down what people with eds go through.4 much of my life,i could live with the ed.not fully but still,i laughed and enjoyed life.i accept that is no longer the case + my way did not work.more fool me.i think it is gr8 2 b able 2 talk about recovered people whilst acknowledging that recovery is not the end 4 every1,unfortunately.I still hope 4 recovery 4 every1.Jan,what do u think makes the difference?i throw this question out 2 u all.I think i had much more fight in me b4 the depression.that more than the ed is what maintains my state.Wishing u all RECOVERY

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Sreb,

I believe that we all make choices every second of every day. Even choosing not to make a decision is a choice. I frequently try to ignore my situation. I am ignoring my mounting credit card bills because thinking about them stresses me out. Does that mean I am not in debt? Of course not. It doesn't change my reality. Only when I choose to face my fears and the bills will I truly feel the relief of making some progress. Initially it may be more difficult for me. Painful. SCARY! But ONLY by walking through that fear will things improve. I have not yet faced that fear. Not fully. I do not feel ready. And that is my choice. :)

You seem to think that recovery can happen to other people, but not to you... That makes my heart ache for you, my friend! I KNOW you can recover! I understand the aching, suffocating, hopelessness of depression. Believe me, I DO! :P A couple of months ago, I felt completely overwhelmed by my own depression. It was dragging me under, with this horrendous weight pushing me further and further into the muck. I lacked the motivation to change. And yet, I felt so desperate to feel any bit of relief, that I went against my therapist's advice and contacted a psychiatrist. I've been prescribed meds. And while my depression is not "healed", it is LIGHTER... I feel it, and yet I am also able to think and feel and act in spite of it. :) It has made a huge difference to me, and without these meds, I truly believe I would have remained stuck in the muck. My new therpaist actually gave me a depression assessment and I was diagnosed with severe depression. Major Depressive Disorder. WOW... I always considered my suffering to be light in comparrison with others, despite how pained I was. It's all relative, I suppose. And we all reach that point of desperation at different times. Until we DO reach it, I believe we will continue to make the choice to engage in our behaviors. And the depression will continue to drag us further under.

Why doesn't everyone recover from an ED? For some, I suppose, that moment of desperation comes too late. It's not a pleasant thing to experience, but I suspect it is a necessary experience for those that DO recover. Rock bottom, perhaps. Does that mean I could not have sunk lower? Mmmm... I think I could have gotten a LOT worse. But I finally reached that desperate place... That state of existing that was so retched and unbearable that I was willing to change in hopes that someone else might know better for me what I needed. I put my faith in others. In Jan. In my therapist. In my doctors. In my treatment team. That doesn't mean it was easy. That doesn't mean that I was somehow destined to recover while others aren't. It means I just reached the point where I was so anxious to FEEL BETTER that I was willing to face my fears. Even that... Desperation. Only that state could have caused me to do this. To take these steps. And once I started to, further steps in the right direction became easier to take. Now, I have even begun speaking for myself with doctors. Stating my needs with friends. Feeling less shame. ♥

YOU CAN RECOVER, SREB!!! It is IN you!! You ARE WORTH it!!! ♥ I know your depressed state will not allow you to see this truth, but that doesn't mean it's any less true. You can live. You can recover. Or you can die. I hope you will choose to face the fears. I hope you will choose to live. This world would NOT be the same without you.

Love ALWAYS,

Jen