Where to begin

I have no idea where to begin. It is very unnatural for me to spill my secrets and feelings to people I don't know, but I have no where else to turn. Which is I guess a good place to start. I should have someone to turn to, my husband. We are newly married (June), but it seems that once we tied the knot, I was no longer of importance. Even on our honeymoon, the side comments and the cutting down started. Over the next few months it has gotten so bad that we rarely talk. I love him and I know he loves me. He works thirds so we don't get to see each other very much, but I am almost relieved when he is at work. But at the same time when I know he is going to be home, I get excited to see him.... then I hit the door and my excitment is shortly lived. Almost guarenteed that a comment will fly out shortly. The comments about how much my body has changed since our wedding (keep in mind I havn't gained any weight, so I am not sure what those comments are about) has made me feel so poorly about myself that I am having a hard time even remembering what he found attractive about me in the first place. We are supposed to be in our honeymoon period, but the honeymoon was over before it began. I spend more time alone than anyone should, but he doesn't seem to care that it affects me. I have wanted nothing more than to have another baby, and we tried for months, but I can't help but feel relief that it hasn't happened. It hurts me to even type that I don't want a baby anymore. And the only reason.... I have a daughter now that he loves more than me, which is amazing, but at the same time there isn't much he is willing to help with in raising her. Which leads me to believe I will be a married single parent. I raised one baby alone, I am too tired and don't have enough time to raise another on my own, while my husband continues his affair with the television. I want to be important, but all I feel like is the maid. It's my duty to clean, cook and raise the kids, on top of the eight hour day I put in at work, but my husband still has the nerve to sit me down to let me know that I NEED to clean at least 15 minutes everyday. My house is very well picked up and tidy (my accomidation to his OCD) but it hurt me to hear that he doesn't appreciate anything that I do, because in his eyes it's not enough. I don't even get to sit down till after 9:00 at night once everything is done, picked up and kid bathed and in bed, but I guess the maid list isn't complete till he says so. I want to feel good enough, I want to feel pretty, I want to feel like my husband cherishes me, but my life is just the opposite. The past few days he has noticed that I have barely spoken to him and it is apparent that something is wrong, but when I came up to him to try and get some acknowledgement that I am still here, he waved me away like a fly. My husband is very closed feeling wise, thanks to his mother. He had a really rough childhood and I understand why he is the way he is and his survival tactics. But, till now it has not affected me, now it seems that what we had is long gone and now that we are married he needs a survival tactic for me as well. Any advice is appreciated. I know I haven't asked much and in this LONG journal I havent really said much, but once gain this is hard for me. I come from a place that you should confide in your loves, but I have been reminded numerous times that I can't say what I want and I should have to sensor myself with him, which hurts more. I should be able to tell him anything, but if I do I usually end up in trouble and am reminded how I am wrong. It's amazing how often you can be wrong about how you feel. HMMM. Okay sorry, I am done. Thanks for reading, I feel better just getting some of it out of me, but I live a wild ride.

i think you should sit him down and tell him how you feel. dont let him ignore you or choose the tv over the conversation. tell him if you love me you will listen. I dont get what more he wants from you. You need to stand up for yourself and if he doesnt care maybe you should start thinking that you have only lost a few months with this marriage. I really hope that he will listen to you. you really really need to make your feeling and needs noticed. Dont ever let a man control how you feel about your self or to mess up your moods. he obviously is having some problems with his ocd and striving for perfection. well perfection is not going to happen. we can only try our best as wives.

Thank you so much for your reply!! And you are right, I need to start making myself and my needs noticed. I am going to try and talk to him about it this weekend!! Thank you!

Hi I am sorry that you have to go thorough that experience ,I've been there for almost 17 years and we end up in divorce . I have to tell you that I've tried every thing to save my marriage and when it was over I didn't fill so bed and also I didn't fill that I waisted my time . My advice don't be so hard on yourself , think what you can do to help you be happier in this situation ,take one step at a time ,I now it's easy to say. but when you change he will change too. Be positive good lack.

Thank you for writing me. I am sorry to hear about your marriage, but it sounds like you dealt with it pretty well. Good for you. All we can do is our best. Thank you

I noticed that you reply to my comment right away .I hope you didn't got me wrong , but I still believe that there is a way to fix problems in relationships but both of you have to be willing to work on it .I know that you have to make him listen to you and what you have to say tried too find the right time and place where both of you gonna fell relax and comfortable . My and my older daughter talk while jogging you don't have to face the other person and it is easier just to say exactly what you have to say without being offensive .Let me now how things are going ?

Your entry was so articulate and well put together. It makes me think that you are an intelligent, educated, talented, and sensitive person. You have, on the other hand, made your husband sound like a lout - unpleasant and worthless. So- what’s the attraction? (If he looks like Orlando Bloom, say no more : ) Joking aside, I’d really like to know what you’re getting from the relationship that makes you stay.

In Solidarity - K

RollyPolley, would be wise to not bring another child into this already resentful situation as it would only open up a whole other can of worms. From what you describe you are the low person on the totum pole & I'd suggest you stop doing alot of the things that really dont matter in life like a picked up house (maid service) or dinners always on time, clothes washed in timely manner etc, etc & focus on enjoying the kids (dont know how many you have) is difficult trying to get encouragement,appreciation, thoughtfulness from others when they just dont realize what they are creating so one has to give it to themselves otherwise one just gets hurt & angry & spiteful towards the other person & I'm hopeful you've talked w/him about what this is making you really feel & dont sweat the small stuff even if he rants about it you'll just wear yourself out & eventually not look for his acceptance.

Take care of you.

April