Where to start? I have a drug addiction that I’m struggling with since I’ve been unable to get my drug of choice regularly in a few months. But I still dream and wish for them. I'm almost 28. I’ve put on about 90 pounds in the last 5 years. I've been on adderall since I was in the 4th grade. I started taking painkillers in highschool. I stopped but then started again toward the end of college after having sinus surgery. I realized that it kept me awake and also let me do chores without caring. I was in a few car accidents and threw my back out a few times, plus fibromyalgia pain. I was finally put on painkillers regularly for about 4 years. He recently cut me off after I complained about his staff never getting it right and never calling me back. I mean, they really were incompetent. But he cut me off. I had surgery just after that for endometriosis. I noticed my heart racing and pounding hard for the last couple of years. Before the surgery they told me they were going to put machines on my legs to keep me from having a blood clot while I was under. Terrifying. So I've given up my vyvance on top of all of the other stressors. I used to be able to take a vyvance and a norco and I would clean and paint and my house was organized. It didn’t knockme out the way people used it for getting high., It would keep me awake and then I would do the chores I needed to do. I can't do any of those things anymore. I just live on my sofa looking around completely overwhelmed. I think every second of every day about my weight and food. I spend all of my time hating myself for not having the energy or the will or the ambition. I’m embarrassed to see people, to be around my family. I know my mom watches everything I put in my mouth. She guilts me when I don’t do things with her and I feel horrible because I miss mommy. But she’s not subtle. We went on a road trip together recently and she asked me what kind of cereal I wanted and I said raisin bran. She hesitated and then had to educate me on all the sugar in raisin bran. She can’t help it. She and my sister are both and weigh 110 pounds. She never had anything in the house growing up, so once I had money and a car, I’d go get the stuff I wanted. I went from small, to medium, to large, to xl – I recently had to start buying plus size. I hate myself these days. I’m engaged and I don’t want to do pictures. I want to get pregnant in the next couple of year but I am afraid of gaining any more weight. Like I said, where to start? I could write a small essay on each of the things I've listed but they all intertwine. I have workbooks that I don't open. I just look around from the sofa.
the doc may not be the same but the feelings inside are very much alike. all i can relate it to is any other addiction. keep fighting and one day you may realize that you didnt succumb or have to fight as hard that day, then one mo goes by and the pull becomes less. time doesn't heal but time allows you to be come stronger.
1 Heart
@Hope730 thank you. You’re the first person to say anything and I really appreciate it