Whirling out of control

I went to the doctor today - my gastroenterologist, and I was honest for the first time. i told them I've been throwing up, combination of intentionally and intentionally, for over seven months, several times a day. I told them it just happens at times... I don't have to try to throw up... that there has been blood.... that I have such bad stomach pains and dizziness.... everything. This weekend was awful, today was awful, I am so up and down I can't even handle it right now. Yesterday morning I grabbed all of my medications, a bottle of advil, and got in the car and drove away with every intention of going somewhere no one could find me and taking them. I was serious too. But somehow I drove to school instead and made it through the day.... and I'm sitting here again now with all my pills. I want nothing more than to take them and get them over with. The kids at school know about the boy and what happened. I am so ashamed, so embarrassed, so angry at myself I can't even deal. I am a slut, disgusting, dirty, weak... nothing I can find that is positive.
I have lost weight -- not so much intentionally, I guess I have just been throwing up more than I've been putting in. I am dizzy. The morning after pill has given me the worst period of my lifetime, and I feel fatigued and gross. Nothing I say to myself is good. I know that a part of my should be angry at the boy for forcing me to have sex, hurting me, and now pretending like he never really cared about me at all. I can't believe I honestly thought he cared about me. He knows I was molested! He knows I was abused by my parents! I told him over and over and over and over that I was fragile, inexperienced, frightened - he reassured me over and over that he understood, only to take me into his bed, try to get off, and then be done with me. I could not have been more stupid.
If I were to kill myself, it would be a burden off of the shoulders of the people in my life... I am a disappointment. I can't handle the people in my life being so utterly disappointed in me. I almost think everything would be better if I wasn't around. The pills are still in arms reach.
Trying to make it through the night.
CC

I am truly sorry this happened. If i knew this boy I'd beat the crap out of him. I don't like to see people hurt especially people who have been through so much and just want love, acceptancr and support. Don't kill yourself. It isn't worth it. I've tried several times before I found support. I understand how you feel. I wish there was something more I could say. Other than I'd love to talk to you more and help.

I hope you are okay.

Ashley

CC...I am sorry you are in so much pain. Taking those pills will not solve anything, and the pain that others who care about you will feel, is far beyond what you can imagine.
What did the doctor recommend? Are they running tests? What's the plan? Honey, you really need to get into good treatment. Any talk of that?
Please know that I believe in you, and you are Worthy to live your life and be healthy!!
Please share more....Jan ♥

CC,

I'll echo what Jan said. You ARE worthy! I'm sooo proud of you for being honest with your doctor!!! ♥ What did the doctor say? Suggest? Do? :) Have you told anyone about feeling suicidal? I know you feel desperate for relief... Honey, this feeling WILL pass if you LET it... Hang in there! You CAN do this!! ♥

Sending lots of love!!

Jen

crazy curls if you are suicidal get help immediately, now --dont think about it get help ASAP. not later --NOW.

i dont want you to die CC, imagine how we will feel if you killed yourself??? you can make it through---it will get better for you i promise---

if you kill yourself now--how can you find out if you end up havign a happy fulfiling life? you are a wonderful caring sweet talented person and dang it we need you here. dont let the abusers in your life win!!!!

you need to get to a therapist or call a suicide hotline quickly...or go into treatment something--anything....

can you call a freind when you feel like this???

message me if you like,

love
maureen

ok i looked it up and the suicide hotline is :

1 800 suicide or 1 800 784 2433

crazy curls if you feel like this please call that hotline!!

we dont want to lose you!!!

love
maureen

Please CC, PLEASE DO NOT HARM YOURSELF!!!

Put those pills down and pick up the phone and call your local hospital and get referred to a suicide prevention hotline in your area.

Although I am new here, I can relate to feeling that way having gone through a similar situation in my youth. I can tell you this ONE THING: THINGS WILL GET BETTER!!!

You have done the miraculous work of being honest with your doctor, you are reaching out to people here on this board..do the next right thing!!!

THE NEXT RIGHT THING IS TO PUT THOSE PILLS DOWN!!! Pick up the phone and call the hospital, call the suicide prevention number you will be given and take the next step after that which will be to honor yourself, and your true worthiness!!! YOU HAVE DIGNITY, YOU HAVE WORTH!!

CC: We love you honey and although this seems like the worst thing in the world, it WILL pass with time and you will learn from it, and be stronger. I also am thrilled that you were honest with your doctor and want to hear what he/she said also
That boy raped you honey, so if you are not going to press charges against him then stay as far away as possible from him. You know now that he is a big loser and not worthy of someone as special as you.
I know this seems unimaginable to you, but you will get through this, and you will meet other boys, probably many in future years and you will find a truly special one that's just right for you.
But for now : PUT YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE FIRST.

Love and prayers to you!!

Thank you so much everyone.
I am feeling up and down, and the moment I am better. I had a sort of "intervention" by some older peers, which was helpful. When people are upset at me, all I can see is that they are disappointed. I don't see that they care about me and do want to help, and I sort of realized today that the reality is that people care. So i feel better knowing that.
Still up and down up and down so I will see how I am feeling later I guess. haha
CC

cc...I am thankful that you are feeling better, and that you can see that others truly care. Thinking about you....take care...Jan ♥

CC I just wanted to echo what the others have said. First of all, congrats on being honest with the GI dr. That took a lot of courage!! And on being suicidal...if you get to feeling that way again please call the suicide hotline. I have done it in the past and it was VERY helpful. I was able to get some much needed help IMMEDIATELY. They take it serious when someone calls and is an immdiate danger to themselves. You are so worth life!! You have a wonderful future ahead of you even if you don't see it right now. Will keep you at the head of my prayer list!!

Thank you everyone. I don't think I will actually kill myself... It seems like a fast solution to an endless number of problems, but I have hurt the people in my life enough and I don't want to put them through that :/
I am so overwhelmed and confused and lonely and scared and tired.... I don't even know how to describe my emotions. They are weird. I hate my mother I hate my father so much, I have nightmares, it is awful. They haunt me... yet when I am alone I just want parents to hold me and know that I am all theirs. I have strong incredible women in my life, but I am their "extra" child they have to pass off when they don't have time for me. And that's the reality. I feel like a burden, and I know they care about me but they have their babies. They have their wonderful children who they love and cherish more than anything. I guess I don't have that, which really just sucks. It hurts me so badly.
I don't know how I will ever be able to fill that hole