Who Am I?

Today is Monday, the weekend flew by as it seems to be doing recently "coming anf going" Im feeling really tired and I'm fighting myself to stay at work today.

It has been such a huge couple of weeks with everything that has been going on. I'm getting less and less tolerant of my work environment. Have been attending so many Doctor, Psychologist and Psychiatrist appointments lately and they are still not helping me get through the tough times. I have come so far with my Depression, and the need to fulfill those awful days or moments when they are with me. I hate the way I look at life when I'm having a rough time. I'm going through some pretty harsh withdrawels from not taking the Anti-deppressants at such a large dose as before. I have also to wean off Valium this has been an awkward task as my body was using this regularly and on a daily basis. I have been feeling the repucutions of not having this drug in my system, I almost feel everywhere when I havnt had my dose although I hate the way it makes me so quiet. :(

I just really wish all my Med Professionals can just help me a little quicker and get me back on track. I hate admitting this but when I'm having a good day I am really happy but when I get these feelings my whole thinking patterns just change and I just find myself going way off track. I get in moods where I am so frustrated with myself and don't know what to do that unfortuantly I punish myself. I end up drinking heavily, taking a proportion more of my Prescription Drugs than I should and mixing it with Marijuana. I don;t know why I do this to myself but I feel the need to make myself feel bad when things are so dull in my life. I would consider myself to be a fairly bright person I am studying at Uni, but on the other end I suffer so bad that everything can get put on hold until I am feeling well again. I don't have the supports of family and friends because I can't bare to have them always keeping an eye out for me and making me feel any less in-adequate than I normally am.

I rely so much on those who have been with me through the worst of times and unfortunately those people can not always be there for me, they are encouraging me to have a bigger support network but I struggle with wanting to share my feelings with everyone and I just wish there was some other way. I hate going to my Psychologist appointments and feeling like I am a waste of time, I have a fairly good relationship with my therapist but I feel I rely a tad too much on her to help me through.

I just wish there was another way!!!!! When I have the horrible days I have the power to make it a whole lot worse for myself and sometimes I really do. I even find myself thinking of ways to get home from work earlier just to settle my urges and try and escape this person who keeps me pinned to the ground.... :(

Hi Jai1987, From reading what you have shared I see that you aware when your thinking changes. What you have to plan for is when your thinking changes. What to do instead of what you have been doing. Have you ever been to AA http://www.aa.org/ or Na http://www.na.org/ ? If you haven't, then I suggest checking those out. You can also find online meetings for them here http://www.stepchat.com/ . I can relate some to the feelings you have. I went to AA for help for myself. I have also had counseling over the years. I am doing alot better than I use to. Keep sharing with us and letting us know how you are doing. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

I am so sick of myself spending money i dont have on **** i shouldnt be taking im in such a viscious cycle i feel so out of control to top it off i went to meet with a guy tonight for a possible job and ended up drinking wine which didnt agree with the pills in my empty stomach so i literally excused my self for a "phonecall" and barely made it out the door before puking right near his walkway fucking lovely FML

Hi nikki, Welcome to SupportGroups.com . I can relate to the vicious cycle you speak of. I have been there myself. I went to AA for help. AA http://www.aa.org/ and NA http://www.na.org/ may both be of some help to you. All you have to have is a desire to stop and it sounds like you do. You can find online meetings for both here http://www.stepchat.com/ if you should wish to check those out. Take it one day at a time. Just for today - don;t drink or use. Keep coming and letting us know how you are doing. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

Right there with yu Jai, you not alone. I alls suffer from Deperson and many other problems. We are both slowery fixing are lives. It is a proses and we don't get they problems over night so we shuld not expected them to be fix over night eath. (hugs) houng in there.

My husband has watched me go through my ups and downs for 15 years and he's told me he thinks I have different memories depending if I'm up or down. This makes sense to me.

Hi Everyone,

Hope your having a good day? Hmmmm, Last night was the first night I didn't have the urge to have an Alcoholic Beverage it has been quite some time since I had what I call a dry night I just wasn't in the mood. I have been pondering for quite some time about my options and what I have going for me in my life right now.

There seems to be so much conflict, I'm so over taking things day by day. I hate being asked all the time If I am okay. :( I'm still not proud of myself because the one thing that has caused me the most grief over the years is smoking Marijuana. I started smoking because it took me elsewhere and it was all a bit of fun. It is still in my life today and I find it really hard to part with it although I have managed to decrease my smoking intake by almost half it still feels like a safety net. It takes me away from all the worries I am often facing. I feel like there is so much out there that I could be doing but I just don't know when I will take those steps to improving my life. I'm so intolerant of people and myself especially when I know that I am facing a craving and it really shows because my mood is so low but as soon as I have that hit I feel a huge lift and I can keep going. It's horrible being so dependant on this drug and I wish I had never touched the stuff. I'm scared to because I smoke pot and have a history of it what happens if and when I go on my new medications for Bipolar??? My doctor is aware that I smoke but I have tried to quit before and have not been as successful as I had hoped. Sometimes it takes over me so that I don't attend work because I feel like doing other things. I love my partner so much and unfortuantly we both smoke together we both have plans to quit but I find myself thinking when will this day come will him and I ever break through spending our evenings getting stoned and being together. It's not all that we do but when we do smoke I feel trapped but I can't not smoke because I feel so uncomfortable when its around me and I even pesture him if we havn't been to get it by the time I get home from work because I'm usually wanting it by then.

I can also pick the times with him when he is hanging out for it, we have even put events off because we had other intentions. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel because from my side I feel like a lost cause, that they maybe thinking "well you shouldn't have put yourself in these situations" and I guess they are right. But for a long time it has fulfilled certain parts of me.

I do have a plan, I am studying Uni and by the time I have mastered my Diploma I plan to be a non smoker as It will not be acceptable to smoke in my profession but it is quite far away I just worry about now. :(

hi jai

i know this post was a while ago lol but i only joined yesterday..

i was the same for a long time practically my whole teenage years were taken up with drugs mainly marijuana,i smoked my first joint on my 13th birthday and continued smoking day after day till i was 18....i used to deal it so i would have enough profit to keep me in stock,if i didnt have a joint before bed i wouldnt be able to sleep, and it was probably the hardest drug i have ever had to quit because it is such a social thing as well as being an addiction...but i found after 4 or 5 years of smoking habitually it made my anxiety and paranoia worse and made me feel very uneasy,
i know its extremely difficult to quit especially when someone you spend so much time with smokes as well but if you dont quit ,it will counteract a lot of the work done by the medication you will be on...when you smoke marijuana ,THC binds to receptors in the brain which then reduces the amount of serotonin available, thereby acting as a depressant...but ultimately its up to you...

anyway best of luck

and keep me posted about how your getting on with your medication


Hi Dell,

Welcome to Support Groups, I am finally back online after having two weeks vacation. It’s my first day back at work and I don’t even feel like being here :frowning:

I am working so hard at trying to make a change, I’m not getting the same satisfaction out of smoking that I used to. In fact it almost seems wasteful to me.
I just don’t know when I will ever see sense and do something right for a change. My life is definately not satisfying me and I need to change for myself to make things work.