Why am I having such a hard time letting go of my ex N. I fWhy am I having such a hard time letting go of my ex N. I

Why am I having such a hard time letting go of my ex N. I finally was able to get the courage and save the money to move out and I did it while he was at work, which made me feel terrible like I was doing something wrong. I know he is not good for me and I know it's best to leave this chapter behind me but I can't just shut off the feelings of love. I feel like there is something wrong with me and with the holidays right now it's even worse!!

6 Hearts

Welcome to the group. Narcs are like an addiction to drugs. We know the drugs are toxic but we go through withdrawals. It's a form of Stockholm syndrome. Good for you for getting out. That is a great step to healing. Now block him from all contact. The withdrawals ease in time

2 Hearts

Thank you. I hope so. I feel tortured and hopeless.

1 Heart

I saved for 5 years to get away. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with self preservation.

2 Hearts

Thank you. I just wish it was easier. I miss the person I thought he was and the person I wanted him to be and I know that will never happen, but I can't stop myself from wishing it was all real!!

@LeftWondering I said the exact same thing a few weeks back! The truth is, that person died. Mourn them not the jerk you have now. You have to mourn what you lost then realize it ended a long time ago. The person you chose all those years ago would have never put you in that situation. I refuse to speak to the ex, because the man I loved is dead. He cannot contact me from the grave.

Thank you Almostfree. That is so true!!

I think I had a problem letting go of my narc because I thought I could fix her. Somehow, I got it into my head I was responsible for her happiness and I could help. This would be rooted in a narc mom. I believed I could prevent her from sliding into the morass. I was wrong about my powers ;-) . Gotta let the narcs go and let them live in their fantastic world. There is no solution that the victims can provide for them. Let go of that idea we can fix 'em. sadly, walk away form the corpse. They are dead inside, there is nothing you can do for them.

3 Hearts

I'm in the same situation- i feel guilty for not being able to rescue him, I watched his druggy friends pull him away...the lovely guy i feel deeply in love with is dead- he has been replaced by something evil! I've had lies, silent treatments, shouting and screaming in my face, phones slammed down on me, I've been accused of cheating... the list is endless then i remind myself that anyone normal would not have treated me like that! its hard to let go... its the thought that somewhere in there is a good man? but he has gone! cry it out, eat what you can, sleep when you can and one day you'll start feeling better - I have written so many emails to my N that I never sent him ... my feelings ! do it :-) x

1 Heart

Stay strong. It is true- Narcs are like drugs. My mind knows what a cold hearted *** he is yet I have to fight my heart every day...

2 Hearts

@beenthruthefire yes, true in my case as well. Mine is honestly the most evil man I know and yet I crave him. I literally lie in bed at night or sit at work and have horrible, debilitating withdrawals from him. I’m a strong woman, independent, educated, successful career, etc… doesn’t mean a hill of beans; I am like a lost two year old when it comes to him. I feel lost and just like someone died, I miss him so much it hurts. But the strength I have comes from knowing that I will survive this. I will learn and grow and this sh*t won’t happen again!

I am in the same boat. My head knows that he is really bad for me, he destroys my life and can't list even one positive why I should miss him. My heart says otherwise and I get very emotional. It's a constant battle inside but I am determined that my mind wins this time. New Year, new life and he will stay behind in 2015.

3 Hearts

exactly new 2016. They are like your own personal brand of heroin... you know its bad, in fact you know there is nothing good to come from it but you keep going back...If I could pick my N up and take him to an island and try to listen to whats going on I would ... They are closed people, damaged! There is no understanding them - tried for a year! I would have given mine the earth ... in return i got left in debt, and broken hearted!

2 Hearts

You are right. They don't want to listen to anybody or try to understand anybody's point of view. Their opinion is the only opinion! Mine would ask my opinion on something (with his mind solidly made up), if my answer was different to his, he would start a row. If I agree straight away to avoid conflict - not good enough. He had to go on to punish me with verbal abuse for even thinking differently and agreeing with him without enthusiasm. Horrible!

I just don't understand and I know I probably never will and I think that is the hardest thing for me. I'm so giving and loving and I know that's what they feed off of. All he did was take from me, my self esteem, my self worth, my happiness, my smile. It's all gone. I feel like I'm left with an empty broken soul and my heart aches. Right now I don't know that I will ever get any of that back. I sit here crying and broken and he seems just fine not a care in the world. How can they do that? I almost wish I was more like him just so the pain and tears would stop.

@LeftWondering you will get it back! You will! The quote that I say to myself over and over is: “The secret is to use your energy, not on focusing on the past, but building on the new”. I think about thone words. A new me, a new life, endless possibilities. Hang in there, girlfriend! I’m on day 11 of NC, btw. It’s hard as hell, isn’t it? ; (

OMG is it ever. Never before have I experienced something like this!! Like you said, I crave him. I've never had an addiction in my life but now I sure do have a better understanding of it. It's almost debilitating but then I remind myself I can do this. It's sick cuz I know I will always have love for him and I shouldn't after all the torment, pain and abuse he provided me. But I know that's all part of the process.

2 Hearts

I can relate

1 Heart

funny he was my drug. im in withdrawl. i know it will kill me, but i want more... but i want more of the mask, not the person. the person wearing it is just an energy vampire. i dont want to go back to that.

1 Heart

I can so relate to that. I miss and crave him badly but not the real him. The last 3-4 months the mask was not appearing any more, just the real him. No more even short periods of nice time together, all that was gone. He knew he had me exactly where he wanted me and no more effort was required of any kind.