Recently, I messed up with a friend, overstepped their boundaries, never meant to, I just asked intrusive questions, and was a little annoying with my feelings for them
But man, they thought I was being manipulative bringing up my trauma but no, I’m just shit at social cues. But if I bring it up, it’s gonna sound like excuses. Sometimes I just talk, especially when I get anxious, like I was during the conversation after this conflict where they asked for space (which I didn’t give to them, cause I’m stupid and impulsive and kept messaging when I got anxious or depressed about the situation) and man I just wanna be normal I want my brain to work like everyone else’s
I don’t understand how my brain works, nobody told me growing up and I’ve had this stupid disorder since I was like 3. I’m not making excuses for myself, I don’t want it to feel that way, but now that they think I am, or at least I think that they think I am, I’m always going to overthink every single interaction we have with each other. If that’s even possible anymore because I messed up so bad. I just never shut up. Why can’t I just shut up. I hate this stupid brain and I don’t trust myself enough to make the right decisions
I lost my best friend and it’s all my fucking fault. I just wanna be normal. My brain is so full of trauma and stupid neurodivergentness that I just don’t understand. And all of it is completely untreated, because my mom was always working and she’s trying her best, but there’s just some things she can’t do for me, and my dad was a narcissistic abusive fuck who beat me when I was a kid and degraded when I lived with him as a teenager
I just wanna work the way everyone else does, I wanna be normal. I’m so broken and damaged and my coping mechanisms are non existent and I just worry I’m too far gone and that I’ll always be this sad broken little thing with a brain I don’t understand
What abilities people lack nowadays, is understanding the complexities behind mental disorders. If you have a disorderly brain, it can impair your judgement and logic, comprehension skills and social cues. In order for the vast majority of people to be more educated about mental health, is simply ask schools to categorize psychology classes as the basic necessity for people to develop that skill of learning mental health conditions. Not just in schools, but in workplaces as well. As years have progressed, more people in their lives at least have one or two mental disorders. Whether you have ADHD, OCD, GAD, MDD, SAD, autism, panic disorder, or anything, you’re not more of a burden and less of a human. As some people have given up because they’re tired of fighting the battle against their own head, we have to understand why they do it - it’s one of the main reasons - fear of being judged. If your relationships with people have been deteriorated, you’re not the root of the problems. None of them actually knows what you’re going through and what obstacles you’re currently facing, it’s NOT about you. If they can’t grasp on that, it’s a THEY problem. God knows if they’ll ever understand. As a matter of fact, your suffering won’t be persistent, all you need to do is keep trying, say affirmations about yourself, connect with people that actually do care about you and love you for who you are. The agony and pain is justified - purely not your intention to excuse yourself from doing any harm. The fault isn’t yours, never take people’s reactions personally - their emotions are their emotions, they’re in charge of how they handle them.
I just feel bad because I only started to research how my brain works after the conflict with them. Now I feel like anything I tell them, explanations, is gonna seem like an excuse. They said “give me time, and work on yourself” and it’s been like nearly three months since then. I’ve done research, looked into a lotta stuff. ADHD and all those behaviors, children of narcissistic parents and how that impacts their lives, stuff like borderline personality disorder which is apparently common in children with narcissistic parents
There’s still so much I don’t understand because I’m so on my own but I’m so hesitant to talk to anyone about it because I don’t want to seem like I’m excusing my actions, and I don’t wanna seem annoying, even when I know I’m not
I just wanna be able to make things up with my friend. I messed up. I messed up, and I keep ruminating on it
And my feelings for them got too much, and it happens every time I get feelings for anyone. I get obsessed even when I’m trying not too. But anytime I actually get with anyone I back out less than a day later. It’s apparently a common thing for people with ADHD to have obsessive love, because of like, hyperfixation and stuff, but I don’t wanna be like this. I don’t wanna destroy the relationships I have because I have dumb love drunk brain
It just feels like a lotta my problems, my impulsiveness, my obsessive love, my inability to understand social cues, it’s all problems I can’t get rid of. And I know that with time I can get better with these things, and I know that I have, but I wish I could get it done faster. I wanna change. I wanna be different. I want this person in my life and the only one putting pressure on me to change is myself, but I don’t wanna seem like I’m making excuses for my actions just because my brain works different
Hey, hate to see you beat yourself up like this, remember that your friend is probably sad about not talking to you too and people will take as long as they want to come back, if they do come back, i highly suggest you search about Cognitive behavioral therapy, its one of the best things for adhd. Sadly, our Neurodivergent brains wont work like everyone elses but that doesnt mean its all bad, do you have a diagnosis from a professional? You sound young and i also suggest you to search for free ways to get therapy, in my country colleges offer it for free or for a small price maybe im your country it happens too. You already in a good place because you believe you can change and you seem to be willing to do it, journaling is a good to way to see the actions you take in some situations, so write down the situations and how you feel, its also an exercise of cbt. Sadly we need to give time to time and progress for us is slow as af but keep your head up and i know you will be able to overcome things, we need help and i hope you can get some as well. If you have any questions feel free, you wont bother me, have a nice one
I don’t think I have any free therapy options in my area, unfortunately
I tried to journal, but I stopped doing it. No reason why, I guess I just stopped. It’s hard for me to establish a routine of any kind
And the only things I’m officially diagnosed with are ADHD and ODD. And I don’t have a diagnosis, but I have zero doubt I have depression and anxiety. I know it’s not right to self diagnose, but after all I’ve gone through, it would not be a surprise at all. Same for PTSD, but I’m not gonna say I have it
I’m 19. Turn 20 in March. Would be nice if I could get a job, support myself, but when I lived with my dad, he never took me to get an ID, despite the fact he would bring it up all the time. Only time we went to go get it, he got mad and stormed out when the employees told him not to swear. I hate him. I’m with my mom, and we have been looking to get me an ID, we just need one more thing, that we can’t exactly get right now, so for now, kinda screwed I guess
I don’t know. I know things will get better eventually, but it’s hard to stay hopeful sometimes
As someone who’s been on the receiving end of this type of behvior from a long-time friend, I think it’s important to give them space, especially if they asked for it. Let them reach out when they feel better, instead of reaching out to them because it might just make things worse. But it’s good that you’re acknowledging what you did. My friend apologized but I didn’t really believe him because he’s had a history of making false promises and empty apologies. He also said he’d give me space (I didn’t ask for it), but they reached out again only a month later, which I wasn’t too happy about. That being said, don’t blame yourself too much, what’s happened has already happened. I hope you will be able to go forward and make new friends. If they want to come back someday, they will on their own terms.
You’re not making up any excuses - just only people have misinterpreted your behaviour. I understand the wanting to explain your reasons why you act that way, unintentionally, so people don’t see you as a bad person. I know there have been instances where I had to do the expounding my behaviour whilst on overthinking mode. Don’t feel bad if it takes LONGER for you to understand your brain functioning. It takes TIME and PATIENCE to fully point out the problem. No pressure needed!
Thanks, everyone, I really appreciate it. I’ll keep giving my friend time, as I should, and figuring out more about myself and working on my negative aspects. I kinda wish it didn’t take so long, but like some go you mentioned I need to have patience.
I know I’ll get there eventually, I just wish I didn’t have all this self doubt and self hatred holding me back. I’m getting better with it though. Gotta stay optimistic and keep myself from spiraling and stuff. Gonna start with taking care of myself better for now, I’ve barely gotten any sleep lately