Why does it feel so crowded in my head

Life is stressful and difficult for me now. What makes me more disconcerted is the fact that I’m making it more complicated and difficult for myself. It’s the fact that life cannot be planned and things come up that me and my ED cannot handle. I try to follow my meal plan I truly do, but the days I do, I feel gross so the next day is a restriction and then I feel good again ‘clean’ so I try the menu again. IT’S JUST SO HARD. I am a student living on my own in a country whose language I don’t speak, or read. I have stressful exams; I have no one to count on. I’m not looking for pity. I just count on habits and schedules and it worked great during the semester but now it’s exam period- 3 weeks left of intensive exams. 3 weeks of days filled with just studying, there’s no regiment to my day I feel completely out of whack, this is what’s making it so difficult to follow cause when I follow the menu exactly I feel ‘safe’ but when do other things I feel like I over ate, that it was too much, too unhealthy – even if it isn’t. I haven’t been working out as much as I’d like either which really doesn’t help my head. I just am looking forward to getting back home, being able to read ingredients in products, and go the gym every day.
I just don’t even know how to express how I feel properly. I could already tell the above is just a mish mash and probably undecipherable, my head is just completely all over the place and I can't stop obsessing over what I ate, how little I work out and how much weight I will gain.
Bottom line I guess is has anyone here ever felt this way? What do you guys do when your mind is all over the place? I’m trying to not let it take over my life again and follow the menu but it’s tough.
I just wish I could stop thinking about it all, to just stop feeling my body. To just not care anymore. But how can I? Especially at a time when looking good is almost all that matters.

Taylor...you are really in a stressful situation! I cannot imagine living in a foreign country, and not knowing hardly anyone. Thank you for sharing. It doesn't always have to look 'pretty' or sound sensible. We are all human, and sometimes our feelings are just that, a mish mash!
Focusing is hard for most people who suffer with an eating disorder. There are many reasons for this, and probably just as many tricks to trying to help.
I am recovered, but what helped me was to write [which you have], listen to music, force myself to sit and read, or sometimes the best thing to do was to allow myself to sleep. Does it help you to write when you feel this way? Do you have anyone you can call on the phone who understands what you are dealing with?
I hope others will offer suggestions as well.
Please know you are heard, and we all understand...Jan ♥

TJ,

Wow... Quite a stressful time for you, dear! Yikes! Is there any way you can add some structure to your study days? Perhaps draw up a schedule? Something that provides you with some sense of: at this time I will study, at this time I will eat, at this time I will take a break, etc... That might help... ♥

Love to you!!

Jen

Jan, congrats for your recovery! How does it feel? I'm just curious about how it feels when your whole mindset changes. The writing does help, especially getting your feedback. I enjoy reading it's the one thing that I really let my mind wander elsewhere and forget everything going on 'here and now'. I don't really trust anyone enough to go into details here in Israel- or even in the States for that matter. Actually, it's one of my 'protection' mechanisms I learned about today. How I don't really get close to people for fear that I just don't know how long it'll last etc etc...
Jen, I do try to make myself a schedule and the days I do I feel ok (despite the lack work out frequency but I can't afford that what with all of my exams). It's the days I take off and go to the beach the days that are unpredictable that others can deal with so easily that I can't.
I just hate the feeling of being full. How do you guys cope with it??
Thanks for reading and being there.
TJ

Taylor...thank you! I know all about isolating as a way of protecting yourself from rejection, being misunderstood, or losing someone, but missing out on the experiences along the way is even worse. That is one of the great things I have learned about recovery...the freedom to BE, to experience each moment, and to NOT live according to irrational rules that only hurt me or those around me.
How does it feel? Hmmm....it feels NEW. Every day feels new. Pretty awesome! I feel free. The issue of feeling full...well, now, I allow myself to feel my emotions, so I have room for food, and it doesn't overwhelm me. I don't equate a full stomach to the irrational things I use to.
Wishing you the best....Jan ♥