I am a 32 year old schoolteacher with a teenage daughter. I have been teaching for several years, I have many good friends and a supportive family, I am an upstanding member of our community, and am a leader at my school. In other words...I consider myself a good person. I volunteer, and I always go above and beyond to help my own family as well as my students, their families, and my school. I feel like I do my part in this world...I really do. So that is why I feel like I am about to lose my mind. I just can't understand why this keeps happening to me. My husband of 11 years began cheating on me about 4 years ago with one of my close friends/fellow teachers/daughter's teacher. I was devastated of course. We divorced and all hell broke loose. We fought over everything, our daughter fell apart, and the "mistress" was forced to change schools. Our group of friends were divided and felt they needed to take sides. It was the talk of the town for 2 years. Long story short, we divorced, and 6 months later they married and now have a baby. My daughter has many, many issues because of this. Just when I was about to lose my mind and give up, I met "J". He was perfect. He was everything I should have been with my whole life. We fell in love, got engaged, and married 2 weeks ago after dating for almost 2 years. He was the first man my daughter accepted and he was wonderful with her. I just found out that "J" has been living a separate life with another woman. Had promised to marry her, told her that our wedding had been called off long ago, that she had always been "the one", that she was the most amazing woman he had ever met, etc....basically everything he had told me for the past 2 years. I am now a newlywed looking at an annulment, and how to hide it from my friends and family and professional family. Not to mention my daughter. I am absolutely devastated. I feel like the biggest loser on the planet. I am numb, I feel dead, I am in shock. I don't know what to do...especially for my daughter, whom will be completely devastated when she finds out. Please help me...please give me some advice on what to do. I am drowning in my own pain.
Oh my goodness, you would think after dating for 2 years, you would have known everything you needed to know about "J". You cannot be concerned about your daughter at this point...you have to take care of yourself. She is a consideration, but right now it is about you. She does not need to know all the details behind the reasons things failed. If she wants the details "J" must tell her. You need to not be so concerned what your family, co-workers and friends think. You cannot control what they have done to you, but you can control what you do from here. Make it all positive. We are rooting for you!
Big Hugs!
Heartbroken, would be wise to focus on you & your daughter for a while & learn from within yourself as to WHY you keep repeating the same outcome, there ARE REASONS, one can be capable of finding answers sometime on their own & without therapy unless theres more in the past that your aware of & that would take special guidance.
Children sometimes feel like noone is focusing on them cause their parents are focusing on the new relationships which begins feeling of abandonment at times.
We're here to talk with if & when you feel like it.
Take care of you.
April
Sometimes bad things happen to good people. I think that all of your focus should now shift to yourself and you daughter. Spend time with her.I know that if this will be a blow to her as well then the two of you need to be there for one another. Find out why you you keep finding these traitorous type of men, and after you discover the reasons for it share them with your daughter in order to help her break the cycle. You are her greatest example of how she should allow any potential men to treat her.
Keep us posted. And take care of yourself.
well clearly you can't stay with him. who knows how many other girls he has. You can't lie to your daughter. eventually she will find out. It's only a matter of time. Just be completely honest with her because she doesn't need to hear it from someone else! She's been through all the secrets with her dad already and if you lie to her also it will damage her ability to trust people and make things worse for her. It would be much better if you told her exactly what happened so that she doesn't have to hear any of it from anyone else. She won't be mad at you because it was not your fault but she will be mad if she finds out you lied to her. I'm sure she will support you in your decision! Don't give up on love. you'll find a guy in the future but for now just focus on you and your daughter and having a good relationship with her. I hope it works out well. Good Luck!
O my goodness I just don't understand why bad things happen to good people. I think you should have a very serious mother to daughter talk with her, this is NOT your fault, you don't have to give her details just the basics I'm sure both of you can help eachother through this. As for everyone else well there's really nothing.you can do unfortunately, just worry about your daughter and yourself
Hidden wife Welcome to SupportGroups.com Is difficult being a young stay at home mom w/2kids to attend to & no one to talk to so please when you feel like it & have time we're all here to listen to you.
You'd mentioned you rent a room or a place? Am sure you'd like to achieve alot in that regards & better communication w/boyfirend. Are you thinking of seeking work if you 2 can afford daycare if the kids are really young?
I look forward to talking things through w/you.
Take care of you friend.
April
Thanks April for the welcome. There’s so much going on now its dragging me down. Just 2 months ago we had our own place now were here because of some heavy problems. Is love to talk to you really I’m looking for any support any guidance anything! My life is nothing like I had imagined it, I’m trying to make the best of it but this insecurity because of my bfs actions and everything were dealing with is wearing me down. These years should be the best for me! But its just not feeling that way and I’m only 22 can you believe that?!
Hidden, I know how you feel honey & our choices in partners will get us STUCK sometimes & usually the answers lie in our past history, so NOW your unsticking yourself, first you will have to really look at the person you choose & do you really want to marry him & live this way with the QUESTION MARKS that are already lining the path? Since your here, I take it the answer is NO & I admire you for heeding the RED FLAGS, that means your listening to your gut instincts but are afraid of making a decision yet due to the hugh undertaking. Again, I'd think of a plan B for you & your family, & discuss it here w/us until you feel a little better about yourself & your choices & dont let him be deceptive w/what hes already created in his life & then you taking on the responsibility of it while trying to handle you & your children & the future of all.
I'd advise to start looking in a newspaper for some sort of employment & try to empower yourself, just incase & that way your not depending on him & his mom to provide. I know its a long shot & your just starting but it can be accomplished over time quietly.
Your in my thoughts honey.
April
If only it where that easy for me April but there's one huge obstacle holding me back, I wasn't born here and unfortunately I don't have the documentation to work. If I leave, what will I do to support me and my kids? I don't have much support from family so I'd be all on my own. I really want for my family to stay together but were not going to be happy until he realizes the harm that his choices are causing.
That was my next question about being legal in the United States, so you are stuck...... You can however obtain other types of employment without paperwork, it just wont be a dream job, that way at least you'll have some resources financially instead of a possible worse outcome. So its in your hands to stay in the dysfunctional situation & keeping a roof overhead,food & clothing OR find some type of work while you think some things through that has your best interests at heart. We cant control anyone else but ourselves, so if hes mexican (I presume) then his up bringing is more then likely that WOMEN are inferior. If I'm off the mark then I'm sorry.
He cant change what he wont acknowledge.
No you're right he was raised in Mexico but born here. Countless of times he has said that were almost from different worlds because I was raised here and he in Mexico which has a whole set of different values . He's so ozld school too, and of course everything is better in Mexico, people are.friendlier, values are better kids are smarter , women from Mexico are the best and families in Mexico last forever.. he says its because of love and up bringing I say its because the women have no other choice so they just stay stuck in the marriage and make the best of it. He tells me about an uncle and aunt he has, they're filthy rich, the uncle has cars, trucks, motorcycles , he goes out with his friends all the time sometimes goes on fun trips for days and the aunt.doesn't mind he says, he says that's the way I should be. But never would I want to spend the rest of my life like that, I want 50/50 he says its the stupidest thing he has ever heard.
Why would it be any other way.....hes out enjoying life & your home taking care of EVERYTHING, hell you could be doing all this on your own since your doing it anyway HUH. It really depends on what you want out of life & a relationship & this probably isnt it cause you wouldnt be here.
I just read the other posts on the porn stuff........hummmmmmm
I must ask, how long have you know this person???? If you dont mind me asking cause there seem to be alot in his closet.
I've known him over 3 years but have been living together for 2 years. Our daughter is a year and a half. And I could be doing all this by myself if my status had nothing to do with the outcome of my life here. Many times I've thought of leaving to Mexico, thinking that maybe there I could do something for myself because is have nothing to hold me back, but my family there, from what I know, lives in a tiny little dirt and rock.road town away from the any big city. What would I do there? I'm bilingual but any fluent Spanish speaking person would know that I'm not great at speaking it, I get tongue tied a lot and my 4 year old just won't speak it!
well you clearly know english and there are jobs you can get. You could be a readio dispatcher for taxi company (i've seen a lot advertised on craigslist on the jobs list). you could clean. you could do something online if you're good with computers. you could cook in a restauraunt if you're good at making food. you can waitress. you can ask people you know to hire you for childcare. you can do many different things. Are you illegal? or just not a citizen? cuz if you have a residency or visa or something then you can get more jobs. but you can get a job especially since you know english. you don't have to be perfect in spanish but some places want bilingual people to answer phone calls in like medical office or businesses to answer the questions. there are jobs you can have. You shouldn't be affraid of your husband. I'm hispanic also and I know men in our culture can be "machista" and all that but you don't have to put up with it. and if you let him hit you or treat you bad then that's how your child is going to think women are supposed to be treated. Either he changes or you go with your kid. What are you good at and what jobs are you willing to take? try to find something. where do you live? what state? see what is most needed in that area you live and what jobs are people hiring for but not everyone is applying for...I think you can be able to find something!
My visa is expired and my social says it and none will hire me with an expired visa. I use to work at longs drugstore, the habit , carls Jr , and papas johns. I'm willing to work at anything but no one will hire me because of my expired visa I've even thought of getting them done "fake" but I wouldn't dare!
You do have alot of experience to offer companies & I'd have to say Mexico sounds pretty good regardless. A couple of years ago I was very interested in purchasing property there as the cost of living is obtainable, other then medical facilities & I dont speak spanish, it sounded like something to consider other than one needs cash to work with.
What are the reasons you cant renew your visa for a while longer?
I had first gotten my permits when I was 16 through my moms marriage, they then had an ugly divorce and he backed off as the sponsor or husband giving her her status , then I was forced to marry my ex in order to renew my permit again, it got us nowhere and in the end I broke off the relationship and wanted nothing to do with him. My fiance said he wanted to marry him because he loved me and to get my residency but he has always said there wasn't any money. And to make things worse I have an order of deportation I think so if that letter comes, I'm gonna have to go in.front of a judge because I didn't leave the state when I was asked to because of my expiration
OMG I don't even know what to say, but you are truly being tested. You need to stay strong (easier said than done) I can tell you are a good person esp. a good mom, you don't deserve this and please remember this is not your fault. I understand how hard it will be for your daughter as I am going through the same thing with mine right now. I also know how hard it is going to be for you to EVER trust another man again. I know I don't and my husband didn't cheat, he just hit the bottle too much, but every man I have ever had in my life has betrayed me in one way or the other. Even my current boyfriend although we are working through it, it's still hard. I wish you the best and remember you are a good person dont ever let any man bring you down.
I have 2 kids , a boy and a girl, my little boy isn't his but he's grown up with him so that's his daddy, all day he has asked me if I can take Jim to daddys work, because we where so close by and he thinks hes working. I just can't believe he hasn't gotten in contact with me to figure what is going to be done. This image came to my head earlier it was horrible, I pictured myself going to the pasadena bridge to jump off it to end this heartache, but I thought of my kids and I just had to get that out of my head, ing am i on suicide watch now?! No, I won't, I just couldn't , I wish he'd just stop messing around and finish this already