Why i hate purging

I didn't know what else to call this but i do realise that when i think about what i hate about the ed, purging is always at the top of my list.

Restricting, i love because i feel so in control. I will not say otherwise. I want to be honest.

I hate purging because it is the most deceitful of all ed activities. I have been through many phases with the ed. This is what it is like for me at the moment: wake, try to eat, eat, decide i should not have eaten, eat some more, then purge. Then get thirsty, drink, then get freaked out that i just had a drink, and repeat the whole cycle. Several times a day sometimes. It consumes me. I wait till no one is at home, or i find out what everyone is up to (not cos i really care, but so that i know when i can return to my true love (to be read sarcastically), purging.

It's like a demon. It's a compulsion. It's like another person has taken over my mind and drives me to do things. Purging doesn't physically hurt like it used to but it hurts emotionally more now than ever. It was the physical pain that made me give it up first time around but that is no longer there and ino longer have physical pain as the constant reminder of why i need to stop. The memory is a strange thing. A bit like a sieve. We filter out the bits we want and the rest that gets left behind is all that remains. Sometimes, that is the gold stuff. And the debris and dirt gets washed away so we forget that with pleasure also comes pain, in the moment when we are most in need of pleasure.

Purging makes me think the worst of myself. Makes me feel like an addict, makes me hate myself, makes me wish bad things upon myself, makes me hurt and want to hurt myself even more.

I never felt any of this with restriction. Just a sweet serenity. Of course i am under no illusion that restriction comes with its own complications. But if ever there was a part of the ED i hate more, it's purging.

Am i beyond recovery? No. Can i envisage living without purging? Ermmm. Sometimes, yes. I thought all i need to do is eat enough so that i will not then overeat and purge. Tried that this morning but it is crazy how quickly the thought that i 'need to' purge comes to mind. No distraction or delaying will do because it is stronger. That voice that says: you should not have eaten. That voice does not criticize me for eating. It is not mean to me. Does not tell me i'm fat or ugly or hideous (because it cannot convince me of that), but it does tell me that i cannot ride out the discomfort of fullness. It tells me that if i eat, i will not be able to stop. It tells me that if i gain weight, i will not look good but then the true me knows that i need to gain weight cos i don't look great at this weight anyway.

I look back on pictures of myself from a year and a half ago when i was slim but not underweight and i wish i was back there now but i remember how uncomfortable i still felt with my body back then. I wonder if i will ever feel comfortable with my body or with food. I honestly can't see the former even though i hold out hope of the latter.

Somedays, i want to be left in a room alone, with the bingeing and purging and just fritter my life away on it as i have been doing. Sometimes, i want to get on with things and just eat as i hear me say to myself somedays and then i get overwhelmed. Sometimes, mostly at night, i comtemplate my own mortality and wish only bad things for myself but then i keep telling myself things will look better in the morning. And they do, but then i return to purging and remember why i hate purging all over again.

I don't remember my life pre-purging. It has been that long. And every few years, i seem to return to a substantial period of restricting. I want to return there cos it sure is a heck of a lot better than where i am now. At least i don't waste money, deceive my family, shut myself off completely, mess my teeth up, **** with my heart, hate myself, hate this life......................

I know this is a downer post. I won't apologize cos that is what i feel and i don't say it.Recovery is not working for me. Maybe i am not invested in it. Maybe i don't want it enough. Maybe, i prefer pain and suffering. Maybe i am too scared of living. Maybe i think i am stuck with this so i should just live as though i am. Maybe, i don't believe anyone on this planet can help me. Maybe i think i am actually beyond help. Maybe, i am feeling sorry for myself. Maybe i am scared. Maybe, i am drained. Maybe, i really don't hate purging as much as i think i do. Maybe i have not been through enough with this. Maybe i need a little more pain and suffering, to jolt me back into reality. Maybe this is my chosen reality. Maybe it was not meant to be like this. Maybe, i need to end this post right here.

.............................

Sreb,
Powerful! Thank you for your truth, 'pretty' or not.
As long as you are breathing, you are not beyond recovery. As long as you are engaging in any eating disorder behaviors, you are in danger of not breathing. I understand the difference in your mind between purging and restricting, I do. But you know as well as I do, neither comes without risk...as you said.
There is a point in this process when you are simply not able to turn it around without help, and it seems you may be there. Please don't allow yourself to give up.
I don't for a minute believe that this is your chosen reality. I think at this point you are not able to choose otherwise, for a variety of reasons.
Yes, tomorrow is a new day, but unless you do something different, it will be old soon.
You have sought help, and are still searching. Please don't stop. More than anything, don't give up on yourself and a life without this eating disorder.
Take care...Jan ♥

song-bird, sreb...
i imagine your voice to be as sweet as a song-bird's... that sweet melodious chirp of communication. thank you THANK YOU for exposing yourself to us like this. dizzy from the monotony of my own thoughts derived from my own experiences, i welcome your chirp- your subjectiveness- your truth. it helps to adjust the image that looks back at me from the looking glass.
sweet girl- although restriction seems like the golden side of the coin, it too is hell. my emotional response to almost anything is to lose my appetite... happy? stressed? hurt? anxious? relaxed? no appetite. and if lack of appetite does come into the picture, illness insues. i'm coming to learn that any emotion that is considered higher or lower than the act of sleeping ****s with my ability to consume. and hell's bells! that's every damned emotion i feel....
although i have devised tricks to *control* how the restriction is implemented, for the most part it controls and tricks me.
*At least i don't waste money, deceive my family, shut myself off completely, mess my teeth up, **** with my heart, hate myself, hate this life...[when you restrict]*---- your song-bird chirp has painted the most lovely picture of MY LIFE. i am plotting and nevous and planning all the damned time. i indeed waste money by trying to be social, ordering food when i go out, and then i just push it all around and make a ****ing spectacle of myself. i am LYING to my family- it kills me... i do shut myself off from things- family, friends, events, won't return calls or emails... my teeth look fairly good, but i have many problems with my teeth due to malnutrition over the years. my heart races and does flips trying to figure out the pattern in which i will nourish myself. i feel a very strong hatred for myself and for my life.
honey, there will be no *prodical daughter* return to restriction. it will hurt you in the same ****ing ways only through a different means of torture. believe me, i'm killing myself presently to sit with consumption rather than embrace the immediacy that torches me. that immediacy seems to lull me, to call to me, and can even shout at me. i DON'T want that. but something in me thinks i might be able to get back under the radar if i could slip away and get it all out of me. so i initiate other illogical, yet effective, tactics to combat the immediacy or to prevent it from even becoming an issue.
forever i believed i had twisted my way away from such a diagnosis... i am not like those people, i would say to myself. and now that i've confessed and am trying to learn real skills to not only twist but to truly get away from all this, i find myself just shattered... but i refuse to believe that i am beyond help. my actions in no way support that i believe in this process; my actions are desperate and urgent and harmful...but i am at least going to therapy and trying to look at things differently. do i think recovery is working for me? well hell no. but i can also say with confidence that i believe that i'm just not *there* yet.
sadly, everyone's recovery journey looks so different. honey, yours just looks different than the ones you've been seeing. mine is different too. frustrated as hell, devastated, hating myself...i am continuing to search---just as you are.
please work on the purging issue without involving restriction, if you can. there is a very ugly, monstrous, life-sucking aspect to restriction that will simence the song-bird's chirp.
i love you
xoxo

srebotnik

I could have posted that same (okay, I'm not as eloquent as you) post a few years ago. Been through numerous IP stays, worked for YEARS with several different therapists, dietitians, psychiatrists, MD's and thought I was uncurable...fast forward to today...I have been purge free for almost 4 years now!! It was a TREMENDOUS daily struggle but if I can do it I firmly believe anyone can! Please don't give up on yourself. Everyone's journey is different though we have many similarities.

To quote Jan "I don't for a minute believe that this is your chosen reality. I think at this point you are not able to choose otherwise, for a variety of reasons.
Yes, tomorrow is a new day, but unless you do something different, it will be old soon.
You have sought help, and are still searching. Please don't stop. More than anything, don't give up on yourself and a life without this eating disorder." I am in whole hearted agreement!! You are so much more than the eating disorder and there is help out there for you. Take time to regroup and keep reaching out for help!! YOU are SO WORTH IT!!!

My prayers are with you, Cathy

Cathy,
Thank you so much for sharing part of your story. It is really encouraging to read that you were here but no longer are. It certainly gives hope to all of us that are struggling. Thank you also for your prayers and your encouragement. What do you think made the difference between now and 4 years ago? As well as the hard work....

Amy,
When you put it like that, i in fact do begin to remember that the sweetest thing about restricting was the fact that i was not purging. There was nothing else good about it because i was in all honesty, just as isolated, just as miserable. But i was not wasting money and i was not as scared for my life. It was different but not necessarily better. The picture you paint sounds difficult and i am sorry that it all seems incredibly intense for you at the moment. I don't know what to say because my boat is no better anchored than yours. I am thinking of you and hoping you find solid ground soon.

Jan,
It is pretty boring going round in circles and i am not sure why i keep doing it. I know something needs to change and i am not sure what that something is. Whilst i wait for the rescue boat to arrive, it feels as though i am drifting further and further out to sea. Losing sight of land. And treading water becomes difficult to sustain after a while. That's it. I feel as though i am treading water but getting more and more tired by the second. I can't find anything to hold onto and so i am not clear about what i can change. I know there has to be something i can do differently and i did think about that yesterday but i keep returning to the same place.

I am just tired of the same reality. That's all. I am still doing what i have been told i should be doing but if it is not making any difference, what's the point. This is not to blame my therapist or anyone else since i truly believe that we are at the heart of everything that happens in our lives. Circumstances will always be there. We have to take charge somehow. I am not sure. Thank you for your encouragement as ever.

Thank you all.

Best Wishes,

Sreb
(Looking forward to the day when i can finally change the record)

song-bird...
by NO means was it my intention to shift the post toward being more about me. i COMPLETELY understand hating certain aspects of all this and thinking that if you can simply substitute *what you hate* with something less evil, then you will be moving forward. and yes, if you do indeed get away from aspects that you HATE by substituting with something just as harmful, it will feel like such an accomplishment... but that touchstone will simply be overshadowed by the danger of the chosen substitution.
i am sadly playing that carousel game currently. one moment i feel a sense of taking charge by working on a particular behavior and then i will freefall into shattering depression knowing that i am simply replacing that unwanted behavior with something equally as dangerous. when i hear that ugly voice that urges me to quit, urges me to just give up- give in... i read on this support site. i read jan's story. i try like HELL to give myself some teeny little bits of credit for: continuing to go to therapy; for being aware; for allowing myself to read on this site; for seaching...
you deserve credit for searching, for your awareness, for going to therapy, for writing on this site.
change SUCKS! i believe that a shift will occur- a shift that recognizes the attempted *efforts* will evolve into easier actions. time SUCKS! but it will take t-i-m-e.
if i didn't believe that there will be a shift for me, i would discontinue these vain efforts and accept my eternal brokenness.
we deserve healing. others have done it. OTHERS HAVE DONE IT! we are no less deserving, no less human, no less in need than anyone else. different journeys for different people. stay on the path. something will click. something will dig deeper, truer ruts in your brain and your synapses WILL fire along that new ruts.
i wish i had more to offer than this psycho-babble-fluff. faith and patience are super scary, easily questioned constructs. treading water SUCKS... but you are maintaining your life-preservers, by continuing therapy, continuing to search and question...and try.
i love you hon!
xoxoxo

Hey Amy,
Thanks for your reply. No-one can really own a post since we are all here to share our experiences, no matter who started the post off. I am grateful to hear about your experiences since it definitely lets me know i am not alone. We have unique and simultaneously shared experiences.

I see that what makes the difference is belief. It is all about the mind. I truly belief what the Bible says about this: it is done unto you as you believe.

I think that what i need to do is confront my lack of belief and tackle it head on and i think i am scared to do that. But there is the melancholic/negative side of me and the upbeat/positive/stubborn side of me and i need to use this against the ed and put the melancholy to one side. It is difficult at times, but as you said, i have the weight of recovered individuals behind me as well as my own inner strength which i often forget about on low days.

I am doing a lot better today thanx to a book that i picked up a few hours ago.

Hope you all have a lovely Sunday.

xxx

Sreb,

To answer your question about what made a difference and helped me shift my focus 4 yrs ago was I was fortunate to be introduced to a dietitian that I had actually been a patient with (meaning SHE was a patient as well) during my first IP stay. To see that she was in recovery and was not overweight, which was my greatest fear in letting go of the purging and restricting, along with the fact that purging was no longer giving me the desired outcome, I figured I would try to trust her and hand over control (I had done that each time I was IP but returned to my old ways once I was released). I could/can talk to her truthfully because I knew she "got it" because she had been where I had been. I think, at least in my case, trust has a BIG part in my being able to come to a place of recovery. My dietitian also let me go at my pace unlike others I had been to that gave me a meal plan and expected me to follow it 100% from day 1. Hope that helps. What I have found is that recovery looks different for each individual. There is no one pat answer and not secret formula that will make recovery happen. It's hard work and I had to be very forgiving of myself because I wasn't perfect.

My prayers continue to be with you. Keep us posted!!

Cathy

Cathy,
Thank you so much for sharing part of your story with me. It makes such a difference to me tonight to read what you have written. I have often read people's words about wach person having their own journey to recovery but yet i have felt as though i am expected to recover in the same way as everyone else. Does that makes sense?
So to read your words makes a lot of difference to me tonight. There is NO way. There is just MY way. Not meaning that i do this alone, it just means that i don't have to do it a certain way.

That sure as heck liberates my mind tonight. I am going to engrave your story in my mind and remind myself of this often.

I felt so much more hopeful today and even when i was purging, i kept on telling myself that this will soon come to an end. I pretty much kept a smile on my face all day in spite of my behaviours and it has been a long time since i have been able to do that.

Thank you for your words.

With much gratitude,

Sreb

xx