Why so many Rules

Sometimes i wonder why dating is hard. And then asking for advice can even be more confusing. I just don't understand why there have to be so many rules... and there is even a book called "The Rules". Honestly i think this is just silly. I finally got fed up last year and said "screw the rules, i'm dating my way". I hate that you're not supposed to call until a certain amount of time has passed, or don't talk about commitment too soon. I decided to throw whatever i knew out the window and be honest. When i date i am up front about what i am looking for. I say that i am looking for someone who is interested in a relationship because i don't want a hook-up. if that scares someone, i say good riddance.

Then there is the guessing game, what does this or that mean. I decide to go straight to the source. If i am dating a guy and he says or does something i don't understand, i can either analyze it to death with my friends or go straight to the source. I try not to act too crazy, but calmly have a conversation about whatever it is i don't understand with that particular person.

I just think that we need less rules and more honest communication. we shouldn't be scared to share our thoughts or our feelings because that may push a person away.

Couldn't agree more. I was dating a guy who said he read that book and he said I quite literally broke every single rule. I don't live by rules, maybe that's a problem, but who made these retarded rules up anyhow? I am going to handle my relationships how I see fit, and if someone has a problem with it, they don't have to date me. I don't have time to waste on trying to focus on what I "should" be doing. I'm like you Victoria, do it your way. I'm certain we will end up a lot happier than those who focus on "The Rules". It's our life, it should be OUR RULES.

xo, July

Wow Victoria! I love love love your post, thank you so much for the empowering and amazing insight regarding dating. I've heard of the book "The Rules" but never read it, thank goodness. Have to be honest, I picked up the book "Mars and Venus Dating" by John Gray that other night and I was blown away at how convincing the book is about following a specific set of stages in dating, and if you don't....well, single you will be for life. I just find that our lives are already filled with so many ridiculous restrictions, rules, regulations, processes, etc, so why do we apply them to our personal lives. It's like we're robots being programmed to date a certain way. It's really ridiculous. I've totally been sucked into dating by rules here and there, because I feel that if I don't follow them then I'll freak the guy out. But, I suppose if he runs, then is he the right one to begin with? Probably not.

Let's start breaking all of the rules and sharing our experiences here. I am really excited about this. No more rules, no more restrictions. Thank you so much again for sharing this with us, I seriously feel so empowered and ready to conquer dating ;-)

July, you are a Star! I love that you don't follow rules and that you broke all of them with a guy who actually read "The Rules". That's so brilliant! I am taking notes from the two of you, because you're clearly doing something right.

Please keep sharing!

I love it! July, thanks for the reply. I am all about doing what we feel is right, and you are right, who are all these people writing these books? are they really happy?

puppy - i totally feel the same way, if a guy runs cause i shared my feelings to soon or asked tough questions, then he probably isn’t for me.

cheers to both of you! and to having no rules!

Seriously, who do these people think they are? Have they mastered the art of love? No two people are alike, so how is there a handbook on how to handle emotions? Makes absolutely no sense. I admit I’ve read several self help books out of curiosity. And from a scientific standpoint, I understand men and women are just different, but how can you tell a person you don’t even know, how to handle themselves? It’s ridiculous. I can’t handle the stress of trying to be someone I’m not, I’m open to self improvement, but certainly never going to do what doesn’t feel natural to me. Someone out there will mesh with me. The entire concept of dating now a days just bothers me. It feels as if people are on interviews, there’s a severe lack of purity. Online dating, facebook, whatever, it’s all so superficial now. People are judging others based on pictures and brief descriptions of who they are? I’ve looked at my own facebook profile and wondered what type of person strangers must think I am, and I’m certain it’s deceiving. (regardless, I’m not open to strangers on facebook so I guess it doesn’t matter). I’m an old fashioned gal, I’m going to continue to date and meet the right person my way.

Hi victoria1981, I totally agree with you. Be honest and go to the source. This works for everyone - not just those who are dating. Maybe if more people did this, life would be better. My mom told me several years ago that the older you get the less time you have for beating around the bush. :-)

July, you really hit the nail on the head "no two people are alike" so how and why do these "experts" think that it's feasible to write a "handbook" on love. We are all so very different. Every man that I've been in a relationship is so incredibly different and they dealt with relationships on the whole quite differently. So, then how can I possibly follow "rules" if these guys are all so different. It really doesn't make any sense.

Bluidkiti, love your mom's words, she is so very right...the older we get the less time we have to waste. I am not wasting a moment of time, energy, or tears on a guy any longer. I really do put way to much into each and every person that I date without finding out if it's even worth it.

And seriously, a lot of times I look back and realize I was pining over people because they were filler flowers. I was lonely, bored, needed attention, whatever the reasons may be, none of them were good reasons. That whole concept of somebody is better than nobody really isn’t a good enough reason to put up with the hassle. It’s too bad we need to weed through the crap to find true love. I’m learning to differentiate between what is real and what is just convenient. I think a lot of the times we get offended by people because we didn’t think they had the ability to hurt us in the first place. Like, I wasn’t even suppose to like you, why are you rejecting me?? Then we allow our pride to get in the way, then the games start. All of that is nonsense, waste of time. I need to use my time more wisely, lol. My best friend just dumped this loser she was dating and she said, “why should his stock go up while mine falls, screw that”. It’s so true, and I’m happy she finally realized he wasn’t right for her.

So so true July! I live by; I'd rather be single than with the wrong person. I don't like to waste my time or theirs. I used to love the attention of a guy chasing me, it was so flattering and a huge ego boost. Somehow, it'd always come in waves of 3-5 guys, where my phone was ringing, texts were coming in, dates were being booked. But all in all it was a total waste of time and energy, because I knew in my heart that they weren't right for me. There's always that glimmer of hope, there's always the fun convincing yourself game that I played so well. Oh, I would really try to convince myself that this guy or that guy would be right for me. Anytime the convincing game started, I knew it was game over.

It really is all about weeding through the wrong to get to the good, it's the fun adventure that we're on at the moment. I know that we could all write our own books about this journey. I've heard so many success stories in love from my friends that it gives me continued hope. I saw what they went through to get to the final right one and the journey wasn't easy, but well worth the pay-off.

bluidkiti - i do love your mom’s words, so true. No time. For me, i don’t think its waste of time to get to know people, because how else would you know whether they are right or wrong. I just believe in being honest and up front. I do think we need to give people the chance to get to know them and not write anyone off. But i want to know they are on the same page as me. And july i agree with you on the self improvement. I am always open to learning how to maybe be more open or not be so standoffish when meeting people and what i can do to show off the best part of myself. I just don’t want to follow guidelines, cause you are right, what works for one person may not work for another.

Learning how to be more open and letting my wall down is something that I am learning slowly but surely. My best girlfriend told me that she wishes that I'd show guys the side of me that they all know and love. She said that I tend to come off like the super independent business woman who doesn't need anyone or anything. So, I am trying my hardest to show my softer and more compassionate side. It's no easy, but I'm getting there.


i feel you. i think, at least for me, its so natural to put the “auto-wall” up when i meet guys. but now i am so aware of it that i constantly fight that side and really work on opening up. good job to you for working on it and showing your softer side!

Thanks so much Victoria! I am really working so hard to combat my natural urge to put walls up and keep someone at arm's length. But, I do know that if I ever want to be in a happy and healthy relationship, then I will have to let a person in.