This is my first ever post to a discussion board. I have reached the end of my rope in dealing with my husband. He spends so much time looking for a "great deal" on all types of big-ticket items, usually ranging from $500 plus. The last one was when he brought home a new Toyota 4-Runner (approx $40,000) last week without telling me. This was also during a period where we are in the process of trying to buy a home. No matter what he is looking for, he spends almost all of his spare time searching for that great deal. He says that is life, and that we are always going to need things. He says because we don't have a lot of money, he has to find the best value. He has neglected himself (doesn't work out anymore, doesn't get things accomplished), me and his baby. This has been going on for about 5 years. We have had endless fights, and he seems to think his behavior is normal. I have tried almost everything (marital counseling, books, reaching out to family) and now I have finally reached out to his friends. His friends strongly agreed he has a problem. Anyone in the same boat or have advice?
It is a difficult situation. If he is interested in a good deal, maybe you should give him projects like to find a good home, this way he will put all his attention toward this project, also this way you will guide him toward the things that you need. He needs to get involved, therefore this way he will feel that he is accomplishing a lot. Slowly, you will eliminate unnecessary spending. Meanwhile, hopefully his friends can talk to him and remind him the state of our economy. Wishing you the best. God bless you.
He was spending ALL of his time looking for a house, but he said he got frustrated becuz the houses on the market were getting scooped up quickly, leaving us with no luck, so he stated he went out and bought the 4-runner ($40,000)!!!! I have tried what u suggested, but it always backfires. Thanks though.
As Marcie mentioned a good diversion may help for the time being & yet your back to square one again eventually. Buying large ticket items when trying to purchase a home will NOT work in anyones favor as banks look at this as a problem & will not secure (note the word SECURE) a mortgage & it will hurt credit scores that one needs to qualify as its not an ASSET & your only allowed a certain % of debt to credit ratio of your total income annually to be capable of meeting payments. Hes doing more harm then good in that area & you could be held liable for repayment of his purchases.
Does he like Roth IRAs??????? You can try to redirect him into SAVE or ETFs w/the stock market as to not put your eggs all in one basket AFTER he speaks w/a financial advisor if affordable to lead both of you, one can do it online too.
NOTE: If he continues in this manner & loses his job or heaven forbid dies your liable, so you need him to take out a TERM Life Insurance policy to cover/protect YOU.
I feel your frustration & he really needs to speak w/someone that he'll respect if hes not respecting you & listening to you otherwise I fear bankruptcy is in the future unless someone has lots of $$$$$ to hand down & I hope you handle the finances. Is there something that has recently happened to trigger this behavior or has he always been doing this???????
He needs to admit to his problem before there can be any behavioral changes. As he says, "we will always need things so I have to chase the good deal!"
Once he admits to the problem, he will chill out, but in the meantime, I would follow April's advice, by looking into term life and private disability policies as well as insisting on YOU taking over the family finances. Let him have an allowance so that his buying hobby is not totally stripped away from him, like 100 per month or what ever is left after ALL the family's needs are met.
Also i find it hard to believe all the good housing deals are gone. There are many many homes in my area that are being sold at hardship prices. Also you may look into short sales to find something.
Compulsive shopping is a disease-it is not to be taken lightly.
Thank you both for your replies. Thank goodness he already has term life insurance. I have tried to take over the finances, but he won't relinquish his control. He scoffs at the idea of an allowance.
We have our 1st appt with a therapist tomorrowm(we have been to 2 other therapists and 1 pyschiatrist). He thinks the doctors are all "quacks" which really scares me. So far, me, 3 of his friends, and the 3 doctors have all told him he has a problem, yet he is still in denial.
I don't want a divorce. I love him. But, how long and how many therapists can we see before he realizes? I think he has been this way since his early 20's, and he is now 41. I don't think anything sparked it recently, except we accumulated more debt due to a bad investment in a house 4 years ago.
Does anyone think I am crazy for sticking in there? How can I expect a man to change when he has been this way for half his life???
No, you are not crazy, you can be a partner in his recovery, but he really needs to want to recover. That's the first step. In the mean time, will he agree to carry no credit cards, have no lines of credit, no access to bank account. let him have an account with $ 100-$ 200 in it for his own spending and you have to take care of the family's bills-essentials.
If he won;t admit to the problem, it is scarey for you to stick in there and not severely limit his access to credit and family resources. I thank God that my husband keeps the family's books-not me! I know my limitations. There are people who really hit rock bottom and then it is harder to crawl out. I don't want to see you and your family in this type of situation. The therapist/debt counselor needs to show hubby in black and white what the numbers are and then lets see if he admits to a prblem...i.e. what is the income and what are the expenses...what is reality.
You may want to attend a Debtor's anonymous meeting yourself and see what it's all about. you can also check them out online.
I see that he won't relinquish control. Will he attend debtor's anonymous with you ? Get the book A Currency of Hope and show him the stories in it. The stories are about people just like him (And me and lots' of other people). Surely he will see himself in the stories. I just feel really bad and I want you to be okay! Unfortunately you may need to give him an ultimatum if he is not willing to change any of his ways. If he isn't willing to work on himself, It will be very difficult for you to stand by and watch your own finances deteriorate.
Helpless, go open some accounts in your name only (Checking/savings) which will help you later on if necessary instead of focusing on him too much as that might wear you down eventually w/worry. Do open a safety deposit box & pay a year in advance if possible to put important documents in or money :)
You can LOCK OUT credit history by FREEZING access, which creditors need for someone to purchase things the only problem with it is reopening it, they make it sound simple online but in reality is very hard to unfreeze, so thats another option if push comes to shove.
My husbands been doing this for 20yrs. (hes bipolar/schizoid/BPD,NPD & more w/alcohol dependency) so I know what your up against & even w/therapists over the years they dont really get the long term ramifications of what their doing, so I QUIETLY took matters into my own hands.