Recently my wife has reconnected with an old High School friend. She had a child at 18 and raised him by herself with very little support from his father so she missed out on a whole lotta things. Since she connected with her friend from school i have gotten jealous and have a hard time dealing with the anxiety of what are they doing and where are they doing it at.I know for a fact my wife has confided in this friend to help her with our problems. Which the friends response was leave him hes never gonna change your better off without him and ill stay with you to keep you from being lonely. That really pissed me off because she doesnt even know me! Guess im seeking a way to deal with this stress and anxiety. She seems to think i need therapy and prozac to correct this but i cant stand the side effects. I have caught her lying about some small things (as do i) and the friend is wanting to take my wife to the bar to find a man as she says. Help! My marriage is in serious jepordy and i have no idea how to stop it!!!!
I'm sorry honey for what your dealing with, is there a way to open lines of comunication w/your wife & let her know your willingness to go to a marriage counselor TOGETHER to work through the issues instead of getting probably NOT such good advice from this girlfriend as it is not wise to go meet other men when your marriage is having problems, thats not how to deal with the situation. How about copying this & handing it to her & share together your feelings about this girlfriend not having anyones best interest at heart, this doesnt sound like a friend to me.
Keep talking here honey we're listening & others will reply w/more advice.
My heart goes out to you & all my strengths.
April
Thanks a million. We have been to therapy and it did help but this girl has such a stronghold on my wife! It seems she is too worried about this friend thinking shes not "cool" if she gives in to me and this problem at all. She tells her how good of a person she is and she doesnt need anyone telling her what to do..yada yada. When this girl isnt around we seem to be fine. Other than they text about 200 times a day. I know her friend is miserable and misery loves company. There lies the problem. Its to the point that im being told i need Meds and solo therapy because im jealous of this girl. If i even start to say anything negative about this girl my wifes eyes turn red and she blows fire!
Again I'm sorry honey that she may not be capable of SEEING the dysfunctionalness of catching up again w/this person & from what your describing she IS protecting this so called relationship, would be wise to do your best to not show to much emotion/resentment/negativity towards either woman at this time as that will only create more drama & give your wife an excuse to utilize YOU for everything bad that has maybe happened in her life & probably not the case.
We do this alot w/younger people here & they have a harder time ignoring things & not reacting BECAUSE their young. Is better to just smile & be kind (even though you disapprove) & do your best to help create a more open communication w/your wife & show her your the wonderful man she fell in love with, try treating her special (that can be something FREE, a cute handwritten note or a nice dinner) it will seem odd at first to her but keep going & maybe....just maybe in time she will start to RETHINK what she really wants in her life. MAKE HER THINK, it takes time, so be patient, be a sounding board & she may start talking to you one day out of nowhere how this other women is wearing her out w/wanting to party too much :)
Try not to let someone play "TARGET PATIENT" w/you (that suggests that everything is all your issues & not the two of you as a couple that need to work things through). I personally dont see an issue w/going to a therapist one on one as its their job to help others look at things differently & guide them through.
My heart goes out to you & remember "What we fear, we create", just keep talking it out & I'm here when you feel like letting the real issues out.
All my strengths friend.
April
Thank you so much! Ive really been trying to do as you described. Not questioning anything and rolling with with it. You are so nice to take time to listen to my problems. There has been a lack of affection on her part for about a year now and i can see how smothering her has alot to do with it. She also started Celexa after her grandmother passed last year. A little research on my part let me know that a low sex drive can occur from this drug. I tried taking celexa last year as well but wasnt going to deal with the side effect of being able to climax on my part(only beat my self esteem up more). I recently went to the Dr. for the panic attack feeling of im gonna lose my family over this. He gave me prozac and from what i read it has the same side effect. Dont think meds are the answer for me before i try therapy. I tend to panic when things aren't going right and freak out and turn negative. I know this probably drives her crazy and makes her distant. I know this will take some time to correct. But at this point all i have is time. Thanks again...
Your correct in that meds arent always the answer & can cause more harm sometimes then help. A therapist would be capable of helping you with trying different coping skills/behavior modifications that inturn would keep the monkey off your back (so to speak) instead of throwing you in a panic stage that really only creates more problems then helping a partner to deal w/certain situations that life throws in our way. A therapist can also lead you in a direction that would make you more confident to communicate w/your partner in a manner that doesnt put HER on the defensive (which is what your doing).
I disagree w/this being about sex/performance even though its playing a major role on any insecurities, a womans love & feelings for someone starts in the MIND & THEN if that goes well she starts to consider (think about) sex, usually the opposite is for men, outward appearance etc.
Again do your best to NOTICE the POSITIVE things, practise it over & over again until it comes naturally over months, a therapist would do the same thing as this will assist your esteem too & women really notice that sort of man thats confident, competent & strong. Trust me no one ever finds that at a nightclub/bar usually one finds more toxic garbage :)
Man you can sure hit the nail on the head! I'm REALLY trying to stay positive! As I write this the "friend" is here and talking to my wife about old high school flames and how hot they are now. I know this is just to get a rise out of me and just help her prove to my wife that she is right. Not gonna give in this time. :) Just seems I'm locked in a battle to win her back! Well patience is key and patient I am! Just agitated because I just asked yesterday that we have a weekend alone without her around yet I come home to this again! She lives about 45 minutes away so I'm assuming that she will be spending the night again. :( On the other hand I have made an appointment to see a therapist Monday! Feel really good about it! Thank you so much.
Update... Now I'm being told I'm lying when I'm not and pretty sure she knows better. There is now talk of divorce. I love this woman dearly and will do anything in my power to keep her. I'm assuming she has wanted out for a while now and looking for an excuse. I have not been a perfect husband by any means. I have lied but it's been little lies as well have hers. I feel like and am being told it's 100% my fault and everything she does is justified in some strange way. If it's me I understand. I'm losing my mind a what little grip I have on reality... I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard when all I get back is negativity.
DONT YOU DARE let go of your POWER by feeding into the negative imput that YOU know IS NOT TRUE. Is there a way to just give yourself some much needed space & time to think?????? Gee wiz you've got me to a point that I WANT to say something to this women & I dont even live w/you :/
If you feel your drowning this bad & are at the point of no return then what would be the problem of taking your HOME & FAMILY BACK by saying to both of them that you'd like time alone to clear up a few things w/your wife & that you guys need some family TIME, even though I'll bet that BOTH women will be all over you & very defensive cause this other woman wants to drag down & BLAME SOMEONE for HOW rotten SHE has made life & unfortunately your wife may NEED to go find out that the grass IS NOT GREENER the HARD WAY......OH SURE its sound fun for a few seconds & take ones mind off of all the everyday things but **** to do things that way long term UGH!!!!!! And then she may come running back.
You hadnt mentioned how your meeting went last Monday if you dont mind me asking.