I feel lost & alone. I've been on the depressed side of bipolar for a couple months now & nothing seems to be working for me. Meds have been adjusted, different meds tried, talking in therapy, isolating, being with people, my 3 different therapy groups, doing things to try to keep busy, not doing things - taking breaks,trying to sleep( not working- I can't sleep)...still the depression gets deeper & deeper. I'm literally exhausted, physically, mentally & emotionally.
I don't want to go on,yet here I push & push to go on. So obviously somewhere inside myself I still have the will to live. i just want the depression to go away. ususally I don't have it like this in the summer. What's so different this year?
I just feel so blue, and not a pretty shade of blue either. I feel like I'm in a deep dark pit that I can't get out of. Sometimes it's like my life is already over but I know it's not because I'm still breathing.
Does anyone have any ideas to help me come out of this pit I'm in? I'd really appreciate it. Nothing that costs anything though, have no money.
Hi Starhope,
I know exactly how you feel. I had that type of depression not so long ago where it lasted for what seemed forever. I can't imagine that your meds are doing what they are supposed to and you still feel that way for so long. Sometimes therapy can make you get depressed but from my experience its because there is something bugging you that your not sure of or haven't figured it out completely. I don't have a lot of other types of support besides the professionals, but there are some things that would temporarily get me through the hardest moments. Sometimes, a good cry and a nap made me feel a little better. For the most part, walking, writing and listening to music helped me through. I also volunteer at the local Senior Center in my town once a week and it gives me something to look forward to. Hope some of this helps, please get back to me with how you are doing - everyone needs a friend. ssgiggler
Hello ssgiggler,
Today has been an up & down day, kinda an emotional roller coaster. I am certain this will pass eventually; it's just not happening quicky enough for me. I've been doing a lot of crying for sure! writing too. Really wish my body would let me sleep even for 30 minutes. I've had about 5 hours total sleep in the last 4 days. Not nearly enough. My case manager gave me a book today, very easy reading, called 101 Ways To Relax and Reduce Stress. Each page has a different idea. Pretty good stuff. Spent some time this evening skimming through it. Music is wonderful!! :) It helps so much as long as I choose the right songs to listen to :) Volunteering is one of the best things a person can do for themselves and others. For me it helps me get out of myself. I volunteer with Girl Scouts. I'm a leader even though I have no children. The first 2 years I was a Daisy GS leader, next year I'm moving up to Brownies with the girls. I am looking forward to new adventures with them :) Our troop is getting ready to take a trip to the zoo in a few weeks so there's a lot of coordination of stuff involved to see that it goes smoothly. They earned this through their cookie sales. I usually feel better when talking about "my" girls or doing stuff with them. Theyare a great bunch :D
Hi starhope,
I'm glad to hear from you. I had a "maintenance" appt with my counselor today and told him that I joined this group. I also told him that in the week I've been on it, I feel like a weight has been lifted by just knowing how many others are in the same boat as me. I look at it this way, we are all normal in our way, we are special, not people who should be tossed out. I'm so excited to hear that you volunteer with the girl scouts. They are a wonderful organization for young women and let's face it, they make awesome cookies.
Before I was diagnosed with bipolar, I was misdiagnosed with major depression since my early 20's. 3 yrs ago I started perimenopause and that's when it all went to hell. I felt the same way as you, up and down, crying all the time, the zoloft wasn't doing a thing. I was in and out of hospitals for a week with suicidal tendencies. It took all this time for someone to realize that it wasn't major depression but bipolar. Whatever it takes, don't give up. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel. It may blink here and there, but hey can't have everything, lol. I know exactly what you are saying when you talked about listening to the right kind of music. When I was really down, I would listen to Matchbox20. Long Day over and over. It just made it worse so I found everyone who has music and copied into files on my computer. I made playlists for all occasions and so far, so good. Keep fighting, and pat yourself on your back for the work you do volunteering, we need more people like you in this world. Don't ever forget that those girls need you, use that to get through the hard times.
Talk to you soon
Hi...
I am feeling the same way as starhope. I had a manic episode in 2009, possibly from my migraine medication. Doctor immediately diagnosed Bipolar. I did not agree, I had no history of depression before this...
Then I fell into a crappy depression and anxiety over the winter. So the doctors thought that the Bipolar diagnosis was correct. I still am not sure. :( Felt much better in the spring. Then all the symptoms come back in the fall when the kids go back to school.
I did buy a blue light for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) That helps.
But this spring/summer I do not feel better. Maybe I could have pre-menopausal symptoms. I am 38 and do not get periods without help.
I have one good day the one day of being anxious, is this bipolar or not?
Thanks for reading this is my first post, I am still trying to figure out this site!
-Sunnyside I keep trying to look on the sunnyside of life!
dear ones, it took me years and lots of meds tweaks to get stabilized. it wasnt until they came out with the atypical antipschotics that my meds got squared away. walking is what really helps me alot! and that i pray and talk to God on a 2x daily basis is a necessisity to my mental health as well. you all mentioned other really good things too.
all my best with faith in your process and hope in the God in your lives. a prayer warrior praying for you all,
well I'm just too stubborn to let anything get the better of me! been on the very low end of the scale waiting for med adjustments and etc.sitting quietly outside in the morning and just appreciating the noises of the day starting with or without me.One thing I do is to put on my "happy clothes" things I like the way they look and are comfortable .not a big jewelry or makeup wearer but a small thing like clothes and lotion can help me feel good about how I look even if I don't leave the house.and oh yeah-writing is a good way to look at feelings and keep them in perspective (like posting here?)so I hope this helps-despite what things may sound like fro me ,I am fragile emotionally and revisiting this site has helpe me tremendously
Thanks everyone for responding to this post. I knew I wasn't alone but knowing it & feeling it are different things. I'm glad I put it out there. I'm feeling less alone now :)
Sunnyside, welcome! hope you find this site as helpfulas I do. I don't even know when or how I found this site but so glad I did.
Praying is something I do continuously, all day long. I keep a running conversation going. Also either at the beginning of the day or end I write in a prayer journal and thank God for the day. No matter how crappy my day looks or has been I'm still thankful I have it. Especially since we are never guaranteed another day. So I am very grateful for each day god has given me. It's kinda ironic because even when I am very suicidal I still thank Him for the day. :)
The med regime I'm on is very atypical. I'm not on the "typical" mood stablizers. I am on an atypical antipschotic. though and an antideprssant.
I was on Geodon for about 6 weeks but it did "bad" things to me. And that was really strange 'cause it didn't do that when i was on it several years ago. It caused me to be so irritable, impatient, intolerant to the point that I was intolerable! So I was put on Abilify. And that is what I was taken off of to go on Geodon. I was put on G because I wasn't sleeping. Now I'm not sleeping again. Will I ever win!!!!! Also on Cymbalta, Topomax, and Neurontin. A lot of pofessionals see my meds & assume I have seizures and major depression. Nope bipolar.
Thanks stanisz for being a prayer warrior for us. We can never have too many prayers!
donnak, maybe that's why I keep on keeping on, I'm just too stubborn :)
my mom always tells me I'm just like my grandma was, and she was very stubborn! I always did admire her! I keep pushing forward in spite of whatever it is I go through. There's a quote by Winston Churchill that I absolutely love, "when you're going through hell, keep on going through." That tells me that if you keep going through it you're bound to come out on the other side eventually. So I keep going through so I can find my way out of it.
I'm reading a book right now called Welcome To Your Crisis. It's about letting your crises work to your advantage. I just started it but it's really good so far. I hope it helps me put things into perspective.
Things can't stay turned downward forever. I won't let it.
winston churchill also said"courage is not the lack of fear,but ..having fear and facing is (?) something like that.i'm glad to see you back-keep up the good work.you deserve the best in life.as for me-i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet;but i know it's there and i know i'm past the halfway point =]
wow yeah I have been feeling the same way this week. You feel like you are on the breaking point of going insane. I havent been going to therapy or changing meds or anything so that is probably why I have been feeling that way. It is like you dont understand why you arent happy and like you should be but why am I not? All I keep doing to keep myself going is really try to think of the positive in my life. I came back to this website for help. I try to stay busy all the time so it passes the day faster and helps keep my mind off things. If you have young kids take them for a walk to the park. Do some reading outside if it is nice out. Watch your favorite shows. Invite people over for cookout. I dont have much money either but I do have netflix which is really cheap. I also crochet and do art. When cleaning the house just blare some music. I do that also lol. Makes it fun. I bake at times too. Their is so much you can do if you dont have much money. Even if I dont have money I just like going window shopping. I hope I helped and gave you some ideas.
dear starhope you are a prayerful person yourself so you know how wonderful and beneficial prayer is when you are at your lowest. i am truely sypathetic for your condition and will pray for it to lift soon. i did not mean YOU should take any kind of meds only that i was taking some that i had tried after a long search for some and many trials and errors and efforts of my doctors. (it was late when i wrote that) mainly the thing i wanted to say was to keep working with your doctor and keep trying and don't give up. depression is a terrible disease and not easily dealt with. i have bi polar but it is all similar in its management stages. go to the doc, try something, wait, keept track of your symptoms, report back to the doc, try something more or less depending on the situation. and walk and talk alot.
thats what has worked for me over the years. and i never know if it will keep on working. sometimes it stops and i have to try again. it is very complex. so i am always working on self care thats the main thing and what donna k said is so important, a long shower, some nice enough clothes, and a pretty jewel that you might have from the thrifty store, some nice lotion all these things dont have to cost alot and you may have them around any way. best of everything and thanks for your post. your faithful prayer warrior.
Hi Everyone! Besides being extremely tired I'm doing ok today. I have no idea what is all that different about this day but I'm holding onto this feeling as long as I can. I have taken a few little catnaps this afternoon to make it through but not too long because I WILL sleep tonight!!!!! I'm putting it out there now because I'm bound & determined that it's going to happen tonight :)
We've had a beautiful day here, sunny, warm but not too warm, low humidity, a near perfect day! I say near perfect because nothing is perfect here on this earth. I had one of my groups this morning & one of the facilitators was in a training so we had a sub. It was far more interesting. wish he was there every week to make the group better. Even as tired as I've been I was able to concentrate.
I just figured out what's been different about today, only it hasn't been just this day. It's been the past few days. I've been back here talking with all you. I haven't felt so alone & isolated. Thanks for bringing me back to me!!!!! Just had a bright idea :) Don't think I should stray away from here lest I end up in that dark pit again.
Well I'm exhausted and even though it's not even 6:30 PM I think I'll take my meds & read for a while. Then maybe I will fall to sleep. I shall return tomorrow ;)
no honey don't stray. as for me I am very isolated,no real friends to speak of and these people here help a lot.thanx to God starhope you are the one helping me with your last post-the thing about it being interesting with a new facilitator-that's what I get coming here! and to know that I helped especially when I was feeling so low-what a good return on an easy investment!
I"m no pro at giving advice or ideas but I can tell you I have bipolar as well.They are times I get where you are.I have even attempted suicide several times an been put in the hospital.I can tell you what helps me the most one taking my meds even when I do feel well,but what helps the most is to vent and talk about it.It also helps to put some good upbeat music on just while your in a low state.I have picked up a hobby to scrapbooking.I know these things may not be the things for you but they help me lots.
Hi all,
Starhope, great to hear you are having some good days. I have to say its great talking to everyone. We all have similar issues and no one else can really understand them. I have my counseling appt this morning, but she doesn't have bipolar and can't get how hard it is to function some days. I'm just thrilled that I finally found a site I like. I have a baby shower to go to today for my niece but I really just want to stay home. Hopefully a little caffeine will help perk me up. Thanks to all of you, the support is wonderful and helping others is great too! I hope everyone has a good day today!
Seeing my psych Dr this AM. Don't know if he's planning on doing anything with my meds or not. I hope he's got some ideas about how to help with my sleep though. Last night I slept 8 hrs but it was so scattered. I was awake about every 2 hours & I'd stay awake for at least 45 minutes. I went to sleep really, really early since I got none the night before. Thought I'd sleep through the night. WRONG!!! This is getting ridiculous. In the last 1 1/2 weeks I've had 1 full night of sleep. I even took 2 melatonin one night & only slept 3 hours. Something's not right with this picture. Can't take Ambien or Lunesta even on a short term basis. Took them once & they make me do weird things in my sleep. I didn't know I was doing them. My husband told me the next day. Can't take trazadone as I'm deathly allergic to it. Benedryl is out of the picture because I can't control my use of it. So I guess I'll just have to see what My Dr has up his sleeve this time!
Have my women's group today - all focused on self-esteem. Such a wonderful & fun group. Each week we have fun homework. Sorta mandatory homework(if you want to be elible for a prize at the end of the 16 week rotation) this week's was about filling our own "bucket" because if we're not filling ourselves we have nothing to give to others. so we were supposed to do fun/special things for ourselves each day the past week & each day had to be different. Last Sat(July 2) my husband & I went to the art museum in town to see the Ansel Adams photography exhibit. it's the first time it's ever been to MI. And it came to our little museum. It was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!! I love his work :) I'm so glad it came here because I'd have never gotten to see it otherwise. I like black & white photography anyway.
Well I really hope everyone has a good day :-D
That group sounds awesome. I had my women's group tonight and I think that would be a great idea to bring up next week. Sounds like a blast and great advice as well. Maybe a small scavenger hunt would work too? How did you make out with the Dr's appt? I haven't found a solution for the sleeping issue either. Its tough getting up every hour or 2, then falling back to sleep and waking up again. It wears me down and makes it hard to function during the day after a week of broken sleep. I have a med appt on the 25th and hope she can help.
ssgiggler
Well, my DR appt was actually put off another couple of days because Dr was still sick but finally got in yesterday. He took me off on dose of neurontin saying it could cause daytimer sleepiness & depression. Also gave me Vistaril for sleep. LAst night took my meds very early (7 PM) was asleep by 8 PM. slept all the way til 4 am. 7 hours is wonderful for me! May get tired in a few hours from getting up so early but at least i got decent sleep last night!!!!!
omg, that's excellent! I fell asleep around 12:30 and woke up twice during the night, then got up at 6:30. I woke up with my monthly visitor and I already can tell its going to be a long day. Work has sucked all week and I have softball tonight. I wish I could just stay home but that won't pay the bills. I hope with you med change everything starts to get better for you and it's great that you slept (hope it continues)
Have a great day, ssgiggler