Wine is truth-serum

where-ever you go, there you are.

after each rise which ends inevitably with a nosedive-crash-and-burn, i have told myself that THIS has got to be it... i can't possibly fuck-up MORE. this MUST be rock bottom.

i'm here to report that when you stick your head in the sand and when you become a MASTER at believing the lies you tell yourself, you end up creating your own rock-bottomless-pit! it's a never ending cycle of rising and crashing.

no matter where i go, there i am. no matter how drastically i change my life, there i am. no matter WHO i decide to be as a result of my re-invention, there i am. no matter how thin or heavy, there i am. married or divorced, there i am. my way of moving through life is far less than graceful. and the ONLY way to change that is to try to learn a different route. ironically, i must TALK HONESTLY to someone who CAN teach me how to travel a more favored route.

i have been *unable* to even agree to TRY any suggestions my therapist gently hands to me. as a result, an ultimatum has been given to me. twirling in and out of my CANs and CAN'Ts, my devastation lead me to a wine bottle. too much wine, lots of tears, and.... HONESTY. yep, the truth-serum disguised as my favorite shiraz, led me to confess my otc abuse and i led my partner to all my stashes and i begged for them to be emptied out.

as a result of my can't-trust-myself behavior, my partner and i decided to merge households. i dumped the condo to a property-flipper who [for a decent price] bought this money-pit with the condition of a quick move. i agreed to be out oct. 21.

treatment has been put out into the open... the next 3 mos will be crucial for me. if i am truly UNABLE to follow-through with some things, treatment will not only be considered- but almost insisted upon.

friday, my partner and i told my mom, my sisters, and her sis... about the move.... and about my eating issues. i had reluctantly agreed to this honest approach. looking away, ashamed, and devastatingly low- i surprisingly received love and support. my mom was completely on board with the treatment option [i was shocked].

so, i'm packing like a maniac, moving next week, will begin trying to follow a mp, must be more honest during therapy, will be seeing a psychiatrist, and will no longer be managing 2 households. my family completely supports the move- in order for me to let a lot of my stress go to focus on some sort of treatment.

thank you for reading. the only constant is change--- and where-ever you go, there you are. very disturbing truths. and only I CAN TAKE THE NECESSARY ACTIONS TO MOVE FORWARD. rock-bottom is a difficult place from which to rely on YOURSELF..... but i believe that out of tragedy, goodness blossoms.
hesitantly moving toward including more people and accepting more help... namaste xoxoxo

Amy

I am a huge believer that out of tragedy GOODNESS blossoms..I can see it in my own life even if from time to time I can't really feel it.
We get caught in this trap of our own hurts and pain. You inspire me and I too CAN take the necessary action to move forward. And Im delighted to hear you say those very same words.
Its surprising when our families learn more about our TRUTH that they are more supportive than we would have thought.
Im happy to hear that your family is aware of whats going on with you and support you.
We withold the key to our own happiness we just need to remind ourselves of that.
WE have to take the necessary steps to move forward I have done that to get to where I am and you are too. For I am warrior Grace I am a fighter!!

Im SO HAPPY for you Amy...:)♥♥♥

Amy: Wow, this is a huge step and growth in you that is amazing and wonderful. How far you have come in such a short time (although I am sure it does not seem short to you). I could sense (and see in your pictures) that you were heading for a dark place and I am so glad you feel you are ready to make these major changes.
You are awe-inspiring and brave.
My love and prayers are with you.

Amy!! ♥ ♥ ♥

YES!!! :) I am SOOOO relieved! I know that this is a ****** experience, and I HATE that you're suffering... But you're MOVING! You're ACTING!! ♥ Things ARE going to change for you, sweet friend!! Very soon. Very big changes. :)

I do not believe in rock bottom. I didn't know I didn't believe in it until I wrote that! LOL!! In thinking about my own situation, I know that I could have gotten worse. A lot worse. And there are many that have stopped problems before they were as bad as mine. For whatever reason, I stopped when I did. Many, many factors played into that... I happened to run into Jan! This site happened to be built! I happened to hit another bought of desperation at the "right time". I don't know... And when I was at MY rock bottom? I didn't recognize it. ♥ I knew that things were BAD... But I didn't trust that they wouldn't get WORSE... Rock bottom, to me, means something different... The worst things CAN get? I don't see recovery from THAT, because that implies an utter hopelessness. As long as we have a little bit of HOPE alive, there's a reason to keep trying... EVEN in our crashing, depressive, HELP ME moments... The fact that I wrote HELP ME moments shows that sliver of hope that even now I sense was there... When all felt lost. ♥

You have undoubtedly reached a place you never imagined you would be. A place where no one should have to be... But you are not without hope. ♥ And if you cannot feel its presence right now, allow me to express that I feel GREAT hope for you!! ESPECIALLY in light of all you've shared today. :)

Good luck with your MOVE!!! WOO HOO!!! :) And Amy... I'm sending lots of HUGS and love!! I miss you, Crazy Butt! ;0)

Jen

grace, molly, and jen... my sweet, attentive sisterhood---

okay-- there is way too much happiness being expressed; way too much assumption that i am *ready*; and please don't be fooled: my continual rock-bottom-less pit has simply taken far too much from me this time...

humiliated. while financially and physically caring for two homes has been tough, i pictured the merging of our households to be more than a desperate attempt to keep me afloat.

i saw my therapist today for the first time since my drunken-truth-purge. although she wanted to see me sooner than a week from today, i insisted on next monday. she assured me that she would not *dump* me- and stated very firmly that i must DO something by next monday. we agreed on trying to est. a mp.... and that i could ruminate over it until the move has occured. THEN? my accountability will begin.

i'll tell you, sweeties: if there has ever been a time when i needed support, it is now. i do not want to go *away* to treatment. i am trying like hell to just say *okay* to WHATEVER is being suggested to me.

again, humiliated. confused. stunned that i've been told that my thinking is off. and... i hate that i blew my 3 1/2 year sobriety. rock-bottom-less pit... this sucks.

thank you for reading. the constant movement of packing has been my lifeline to any sort of sanity.

waiting to awake from this really bad dream...
namaste
xoxo

Amy

I love how Jen put it YOU are NOT without HOPe♥ there is so much Hope for you. you are MOVING ...MOVING forward.

Love Grace♥

Amy....the reality is that you are making some very hard decisions, but you are making them. I'm glad that you are sharing and in your way, reaching out for support.
You are in my thoughts.....more later....Namaste..Jan ♥

thank you once again, my sweet sisterhood---

after a long weekend, the kids are back in school and i'm chaperoning another field trip [went on an overnight campout with my daughter and her grade last week].

i'm exhausted. but i'll let you in on a little secret [whispering]: other than exhaustion, i have felt surprisingly pretty good. i definitely have my moments of insufferable insanity... but for the most part, i can't believe that i feel pretty fucking good.

i tend to ride the waves of fear, twist and turn to change enough to get my *** OUT of the lime-light, therefore nose-diving into depression and continuous cycles. perhaps i am feeling better b/c of the surge of tremendous FEAR i am experiencing???? nonetheless, i am TRYING to turn each of my thoughts into a conversation WITH another human. getting it OUT of my warped ever-whirling-particle-separater-of-a-brain helps to not only create more honesty and trust b/t me and my relationships, it helps me to process it and anticipate it, and possibly interrupt it.

again, thank you for reading. i may be here more often than i used to be. i can no longer afford NOT to reach out and try to get support.

heading to the pumpkin patch with my son and his first grade cl***.....
namaste
xoxo

Amy

you sound like a wonderful mom ..Im glad your takeing the steps to move forward. Have FUN at the pumpkin patch!

Grace♥

Oh Amy,

Im know how horrible it feels right now. I know the feelings of shame that come along with this, wanting to just disappear as it is so hurtful to face the realities we have so long been hiding from, ignoring or rationalising in our minds. But along with opening up, and reaching out and putting things in motion there also comes a slight feeling of release, maybe feeling a little lighter, feeling like the load isnt as heavy as it was. You may not feel it alot or all the time but it is there and hold on to it tight.

I found myself where you are last August. Unable to get away from myself anymore and facing the realisation that i had led myself into a bottomless pits where my rock bottom seemed to keep moving and i was no longer able to tell my truthes from my lies.

You ARE making the right steps. You are making a great move in the right direction! You really truley are and believe me when i say, it wont always feel like this, it DOES get better in time.

Each new step towards recovery, towards facing this monster and fighting it down is a difficult one at first but it is one worth making.

I wish i could take your hand and help you along the way.

Please always remember, It is possible!

Sending all my love
Andrea

amazing andrea...
i wish you could take my hand to help me along also. thank you.
and thank you for such kind words about taking steps and lightening my load. these reminders are necessary... and help me to appreciate a little more the baby-fucking-steps that are actually being taken.
warrior grace...
i DID have fun at the pumpkin patch! and? i saw 3 other moms who had chaperoned the camping trip-- we camping-moms have a bit of a special bond now, you know?

namaste
xoxo