Wondering if there is anyone who has stayed after cheating? Wondering if there is anyone who has stayed after cheating?

Wondering if there is anyone who has stayed after cheating? And if so, why? Anyone who it went well after?

1 Heart

I've been on this forum for six months, and people ask this question pretty often. There are one or two who answer, but rarely very many satisfying, truly reconciled couples.
I think they exist, but we doubt hear from them as much because they quit needing the site. So don't be too bummed if only one or two truly reconciled folks post. (Then there are the rest of us who can't claim victory. But that's a different topic.)

3 Hearts

Yes many many do. As a matter of fact, statistics are with staying together. It is not an easy road. But it is satisfying if things work out. People stay for many reasons. I am still with my husband who cheated on me. We are doing good right now.

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@Teeny bikini Interesting. Didn’t realize it was statistically the other way - although perhaps not surprising since so many couples do cheat. Thanks for your help. I want to get through this.

I want to get past this but I am definitely in the midst of it all, and so many feelings come up. It's not an easy road but I feel like it will be so much more satisfying if we can get through this. It's hard to not what to trust anymore...

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I stayed. We're 14 months past d-day. We are mostly good, but we do have bad times. They are getting less, though. no1 is right. The better the relationship gets, the less a person needs this site. I find that I come here in waves, depending on how we're doing. I stayed because...well, because I believe in marriage. I believe in MY marriage, specifically, but also just marriage in general. I believe that my vows mean something, even (or maybe especially) in times like this. I believe that marriage done right takes work. Especially in our day now, it's way easier to be distracted by life, and let the relationship dissolve. It takes strength to fight through that, and to work through when the other person screws up so so bad. But I do believe it is worth it. Even with the bad times we have, the fact that we have more good than bad gives me hope. And our relationship is evolving and growing, and that feels good.

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@blindsidedmom I love how you said “my vows mean something.” This is the realization I came to as well. I meant it when I said I would love him forever and unconditionally. Quitting, although EXTREMELY tempting, would not be “unconditionally”. He is willing to work and try to be better, that’s so important, but I promised I would love no matter what. I don’t have many choices in this situation but I CAN choose to love.

I stayed. It's only been 3 months but already I can see and feel a big difference. Things r changing for the better. I didn't know that he was unhappy for so many years- we acted like a really happy couple. Now, he has a chance to fix what was holding him back for so long. It is something within himself. You know how kids hold hands with one another and then spin around and around. This is what I thought our relationship was...holding hands, spinning and laughing. I found out that I was spinning by myself and he was sitting on the sidelines alone with his own reservations. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through...but for the opportunity to spin with him again, it is worth it. It is a lot of work and u both have to b committed to going through this. You have to dig deep and b completely honest. Most couples do work through it- and come out stronger. This is a good video that discusses this info: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q

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@DestroyedAlone I totally understand this, and you are a brave and compassionate woman for seeing that! I LOVE Esther Perel - been listening to her for years and when this happened, I just watched that over and over again. What you say is beautiful - that you want to spin with him again. So beautiful. I wish you so much love and happiness. We all deserve it.

I stayed the first two time she cheated but if the third was to much. You need two to work very hard to fix the problems in the marriage. She was not a willing participant. She moved out to be with her third prince charming. But she also knew there was no way I could have worked through tihs one

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The number one thing is caring for yourself.
Go to therapy, seek support from friends and family that you can count on.
People you love and trust.
Don't isolate yourself.
That would be the worst thing for you right now.

Eat well, exercise, take daily vitamins including extra B stress comples, vit. D and magnesium for stress
Get enough sleep. even if you need a sleep aid like tylenol pm

Read and watch things that inspire you, don't allow the negatives thoughts to run wild.

He left.
He's in la la land.
He may come back
He may not

He may wish to change
He may not

But when he left he took all his previous issues with him into this new relationship and they usually don't last because of this.

But taking care of YOU must be top priority.
I'm so sorry for your pain, sending prayers your way.

6 Hearts

@findingfaith Thank you for saying this. You’re right. I was isolating myself at first because I felt ashamed. I’ve now told three people and wondering if I should tell my mom. That’s the thing that is toughest - do I tell my mom because she may never like him again? But we are so close and I feel awful if I don’t tell her. Also if I do tell her then the entire family will know. OK, so positive things to watch - any suggestions?? :wink:

You’re beautiful. Thank you.

I'm a new member here, not had it happen to me, yet, but I have very serious suspicions about present and past. My first though is, no way I'd stay in the marriage if I my worst fears came to fruition, even after almost 30 years together, no way no how. But, regardless of the hurt, and other factors I have that make the marriage bad, I love her with my soul, and just don't see me without her, miserable or not. I do think if it happened I'd have to at least go away for awhile, and if during that time I found someone that not only needed me, but wanted me and adored me, I might not come back to it. I've had it happen to several friends, and literally 3 out of 4 of them didn't stay, but their circumstances were about unbearable; one guys former wife was sleeping around with MANY guys, and not just a slip up one night, or with just one person, she was an outright "***" (pardon the nasty slang). So in the interest of his children he got away from her, now very happily married to the girl of his dreams. Other guy was in the service in combat 3 tours, and his wife became pregnant by another man, so that was done. another friend though, was like me, in that he said no way no how, but it happened, yet he's still with her. But in that case, no sexual encounters happened based on the emails he hacked, but a lot of talk of an initial rendezvous were taking place as recently as the day before. He did however end up in jail for beating down a door and attempting to whoop the guy. But, to this day he second guesses himself of whether he should have stayed, because that trust is gone and cant ever be fully restored. That was about 10 years ago, now they are talking about splitting, he just cant fully get past it. One other friends husband ran around on her, they went to counseling and on the surface seem to be very happy with each other.
Bottom line, you just don't know until you've been there I guess. In that case, neither decision will leave you feeling 100% satisfied, either by staying and constantly having the question of being viewed as a weak fool, or the loneliness and emptiness of no longer having that soul mate. It sucks either way really, just the lesser of 2 evils.

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@ladylunches I found out about my husbands infidelity September 25th, he told me he saw a prostitute twice. He has been dealing with porn addiction forever, I found out about his addiction 4 years ago. He was working on that half heartedly and going back to porn without me knowing. I believe that is what led to trying to make the fantasy of porn a reality, and cheating on me. We have been married 22 years, and I know he is not truly a bad person, he is just really screwed up. He is on his last chance, we are trying to work through this. I will not continue if he goes back to his old ways, he is going to SAA, seeing a therapist, and I believe he it remorseful and if he could take it back he would. If I felt he was going back to his old ways I would leave. I have had to take drastic measures to make him stay accountable and off porn, and he has agreed to everything I have demanded. Will we stay together, I hope so, but it is completely within his power, it is his to keep or destroy our marriage.

1 Heart

Yes I stayed and it has been 2 years since my husband had an affair. Even though my husband did the most hurtful thing to me, I stilled loved him and wanted the marriage. He wanted the marriage too.
It is the hardest road I have ever walked on, staying in the marriage I feel it was the hardest choice. The trust was gone, the visions of them together haunted me. I cried everyday for 18 months. I drank alcohol, took prescription drugs and even self harmed myself to try and take the pain away.
I started to see a Psycologist this year, she put me on the road to recovery and was the best thing that helped me cope.
My husband and I have sorted a lot of issues out in our marriage and it is much stronger. I call it a new marriage.
So yes I stayed and took the hard road, it is still a struggle some days, but not everyday. And yes I still cry sometimes.

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@maverick I feel your pain. Why husband's D-day was 10/28, last spoke to her 11/6. I stayed as well bc I still love him, and my self esteem is blown. Sometimes I feel the need to remind him what he did every time I see him smile or just go back to normal. I some times wonder what's wrong with me, how could he just move forward and not even be affected by what he did to us. Its especially hard for me now, during the holidays. It's like I continue to suffer and keep his secret so his family doesn't find out. Some times I feel like telling them just to make him suffer and feel the pain he's put me through.

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@jiltedjane, I feel the same way. It seems so easy for my wife to just carry on her days like nothing happened. She wants to move on and pretend it never happened or that it was a huge mistake she made and it's over and she's sorry and no big deal. She hates when I bring it up and ask questions. I have asked every question I can think of pretty much and she has been truthful but now thinks I should just "get over it already" and stop bringing it up. I feel it's all about her. When I bring it up it makes her relive it and she gets super guilty and sometimes has a panic attack. So inside, I know she must be hurting and feels guilty but her way of dealing with it is to not talk about it and yell at me when I do. I don't think it's fair when she caused me to be the way I am now. She should be consoling me rather than getting angry and defensive. Like you, I feel like I want to punish her over and over for what she did to me and I kind of did that for the last 3 months by throwing it in her face and saying how can you do that and asking questions and jabbing her repeatedly. So yes, I feel you. Sometimes I feel like I want to ruin her days that she makes look like nothing is going on and she is smiling. I want to tell all her friends and her family what she did to a nice guy that did everything for her. The problem is that doing all of this isn't gonna help me if I am choosing to stay with her (which I have chosen to do at this point because I still love her so much) Making her angry everyday and jabbing her pushes her away. She says she would rather leave me and be alone if I am going to punish her daily for the rest of her life and that mentally she can't handle it and will either end up dead or in a mental ward. She does have depression and other mental issues which may have been a factor in her having a 2 yr affair. I made her go to a psychiatrist and they said she has a mood disorder and are thinking she is bipolar. So she has started medicine. I don't know, yeah she might have that but I feel like now that's her excuse as to why she did what she did. It's hard for me to believe that she had no control at all over her actions and it was purely mental and that's what caused her impulses to keep going back for more. It's not like she was in a trance for 2 yrs and couldn't control anything. So it's hard for me to accept that she didn't just do it because she wanted to do it, not because of a mood disorder.

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@sdiamond1026. Wow, our stories are almost identical. I am only a few months in from finding out and there was more than one guy. Very much hook ups vs. long affair, but hurts just the same. Considering having her admitted to inpatient care as she is now having suicidal thoughts.

1 Heart

@mjk6479. I found out on Aug 20th that she was having a 2 yr affair with her massage therapist. I was being the good husband I thought and paying for a monthly massage and little did I know she was having sexual encounters in the room each time she went and it lasted 2 yrs. I then found out before that she posted an ad on Ashley Madison and met some guy at Starbucks one time and had sex in the back of his car. I don't know what the hell came over her to start all this. She has self esteem issues and feels worthless and had a lot of time on her hands and wasn't working and was hearing about her sister and other friends swinging and with her mental issues, she got obsessed with the idea of being with someone else I think because she saw others doing it, felt like she was getting older and wasn't getting attention and whatever else went through her head at the time. She tried to get me to swing and I wouldn't do it so at some point she just did it herself I guess. My wife also says stuff about wishing she was dead but wouldn't do it because of the kids and stuff like that.

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I believe everyone deserves a second chance but sometimes it's hard to get over the trust issues. If something is worth fighting for then fight for it.

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