I begged him to leave....and he finally did..right into the arms of his ex-mistress. Only took 3 days to find an apartment together and they are living in "lust heaven" together....
Why do codependent, emotionally abusive, functional alcoholics feel they have to completely discredit and humiliate the one who pushes them away before they are completely satisfied? He has a new woman, a new apartment, her brand new car to drive, all her social status, her money to keep him safe, all the "sex" a 51 man could ever dream of..., he is completely rid of me...and yet, I am a constant topic of conversation in his local pub...the name calling, jokes about his "crazy" ex...the lies, humiliation....
WHY CAN'T HE JUST STOP AND LET ME LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cannot go anywhere without worrying who might see me and point and laugh...I am afraid to meet any men in the area in fear that once they know my name...well...
I am a beautiful, once very confident woman....this man is ruining my life! But I promise you, he will never see me cry, I will hold my head up high and strut past him like the beautiful, confident woman I was when he first fell in love with me.
HEY!!!! GET OVER YOURSELF YOU ****!!! YOU CAME BACK TO ME AFTER THE DIVORCE....YOU MADE THE CHOICE FOR US TO BE TOGETHER...
YOU HAD THE AFFAIRS...YOU LIED, CHEATED, BELITTLED ME!!!
DAMMIT....LET ME LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!
I know it is hard, but you cant let what other people think or say run your emotions up like that. The important people in your life already know what has happened to you. All that matters is that you know you did nothing wrong and you gave him plenty of chances. These people who are talking about you probably are living by the same morals and standards as your ex. Your morals and standards are different than theirs. You can walk into any public place with your head held high and know that you can respect yourself. I would definitely try to avoid these places and find new places to go or even take up different hobbies. This is the first day of the rest of your life, and you can make any changes that increase your self esteem and make you feel better.
I went on a work operations meeting weekend and just got back....it was a paid weekend by my company for employees and spouses, etc. this was supposed to be our weekend of fun, sex, reuniting after a busy hectic year....well I went alone, I had fun, the single woman were all up for dinner, cocktails, walking, talking, in between meetings....actually, I only cried once on Friday....but Saturday was very, very, rough....everytime I was alone and in my room I just sobbed and sobbed and thought about what a beautiful weekend together it would have been.....but then I stop, dry my eyes, and rememmber the beratement, the name calling, all the sleepless mornings going into work.....its going to take a long, long time before I start feeling normal again....thanks to all my co-workers i was able to get through another weekend....
Thankyou for your support and advice...my therapist tells me I am wasting far too much energy on him and her as well. I can't help but think it's all roses and champagne....I have to remember that I am pushing through my despair and will heal...i am forced to face the memories....he went from one to another....he is avoiding his real issues and hopefully, in time, she will understand why i bacame the angry, face slapping woman that I did.....she will see the alcholic come out in him the first time she looks at another man, or receives a text late at night, or complains that he spends too much time in the bar.....
Or am I just hoping......
Why is it so hard for me to picture his face? it's only been 4 weeks and i cannot really focus on his face...what does that symbolize? Why as woman, do we need so many answers? I know with me...it makes me feel better to have answers
I was just happy to find your messages waiting for me as soon as I got home...please stay with me and help guide me through my new journey without him....
Love, Mason517
I think it is brilliant that you took that step to go to the function and made the best of it. Of course you are going to have wobbly moments and feel distress. its all very new. but you didnt hide, you got out there. Brave lady and respect to you.
thanku JF…but now that I am home again…the sadness, lonliness and depression is setting right back in…I cannot wait for tomorrow, to have to get up, get dressed, go to work and force myself to go to the gym on the way home…
But one thing is different…I put a tv in the living room as my ex took the big screen and surround sound, music, everything…
I have a little tv in here now and for the first time since he left I have spent most of the day watching tv in here and using my lap top.
Its the first day in 4 weeks I am actually sitting in here…
what is paralysing is the thought of never sharing my life with another man again…I am rushing to get well, trying to push through the sadness…but, its going to take a long, long time…
Thankyou for the heads up! I am the only one that can make my choices…I choose to live…I choose to get over the loss of this relationship…I choose to get over all the emotional abuse and damage he has done to me…I choose to find love again…
But for now…it’s minute by minute…
Thanks so much for sharing. I'm glad for your question "Why, as women, do we need so many answers?" I know for me that the answers can be very helpful, but I may never get answers. And truly, some of the answers I'm not sure I really want to know... because they might hurt even more than not knowing.
I'm seeing that I've become as sick as my alcoholic boyfriend... just in different ways. I've let his feelings matter more than mine, compromised what I've wanted (and not wanted) to keep from adding pressure or stress to his life, I've let things slide because I figure I can't expect him to be better than he is until he's further into recovery, etc, etc, etc, and all in the name of trying to make his recovery easier. Well, he picked up a drink anyway (and maybe all my compromises just made it even easier for him to pick up, I don't know)... but it's been a nightmare ever since. And I didn't realize how deeply caught up in this illness I was until I found myself unable to let go of him. Oh, I let go, but then I grab right back on as soon as he shows remorse. And he'll let ME go when he wants the drink more or when he gets angry (which is over the tiniest thing right now), but then he grabs right back on when he's scared of being without me. So we're both on this twisted ride..... and one of us is gonna have to get off before we both go down. I surely hope that's not what it will take for this ride to stop.
I'm strong one day, then I'm a sobbing wreck the next day. I've been seeking God's help in a major way, and I believe He led me to these forums today because I was going to see my boyfriend today but he had something come up at work. Lies? I don't know. Maybe it's God keeping him away from me..... cuz I did ask God to do for me what I couldn't do for myself. And then reading people's posts here and making my own comments are making me think a bit harder about whether or not I should just not see him until he's sober for a set period of time. I just don't want to tell him that without following through.. and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I guess I haven't had enough pain yet. That's sad... and insane. God please help me.... help us all.
Good for you...keep on trying if you really love him, and I know that you do...it will all make sense to you once you start reading and listening about codepency and alcoholism....you will learn how to react differently, communicate with him differently...there are so many things I have learned in the past (4) weeks...
I rode that twisted roller coaster the past year....
If I had found this support group 2 months ago....we may still be together...if I had found my therapist and gotten help for myself on how to deal with the "nightmare", we would have still been together...
But the fact is I did not seek therapy until it was too late...I could not make him happy anymore because I was so unhappy with what I had become due to the emotional abuse...my image was no longer the beautiful,strong, confident woman that he fell in love with....I had become exhausted, drawn, angry, sad, depressed...
and I could not live one more minute being that woman anymore....
He didn't care enough to talk about it, he didn't care enough to say he was sorry for all the pain he caused me,all he cared about was stopping at the bar every night after work and drinking....
It is insane and mad to live like that...but I completely understand.. people don't understand that it goes in cycles, started out a few times a year for several years (that was a red flag) , then it became monthly, that was frightening, then once a week, then the last week it was fighting, screaming, slapping every night.
Good luck, give him everything you've got...make it work!
After reading through a lot of the posts here, and then talking to one of my friends who knows me well and loves me very much, I realized the only thing I could do without risking my completely falling apart was to say goodbye. So I did just that a couple hours ago.
I knew that he either wasn't done drinking or simply wasn't in love with me anymore. He's been too disrespectful and too thoughtless of my feelings since he picked up. Whether it's the alcoholism or whether he's just not in love with me anymore, I don't know. But I don't want to keep allowing him to treat me like this. It's not okay. And right now he has the power to destroy me if I stick around.
So, I called to tell him that I couldn't keep doing this. That I wanted more and I knew he couldn't or didn't want to give me more. Well, he had just sat down in a bar and started drinking right before I called. I wasn't surprised. So before he got too buzzed to remember our conversation, I told him that while I can't imagine ever loving a man as much as I love him, I have to let go and give myself a chance... that I deserve to have a life with someone. Told him this was going to destroy me and I knew he didn't want that to happen. He said he absolutely did not want that.. and would respect what I had to do. Told me he loved me.
Of course I wanted him to beg me to not go... but I think it actually shows more love that he did let me go. Now I just have to stay strong if he contacts me in a week or two, telling me he misses me and needs me in his life. I don't think he will, but he might... and I need to be ready for that. I can't cave in.
So, I'll be visiting here and I'll be going to my AA meetings and finding some Alanon meetings & co-dependency meetings, aside from staying move active with my church. I can do this. Well, this moment I believe I can do this. Not so sure how I'll feel in the morning... but fortunately I don't have to worry about the morning right now. I only HAVE right now.
Thanks for your reply. I'm praying for both of us.
I can hear the spiritual support you are finding in your words. It is inspirational to read for me. CJ you sound calm and still in where you are. God Bless you and massive respect to you.
today is the first day of the rest of your life....
He will call....probably already has...it is too difficult for them to let go...unless of course there is a woman waiting in the wings..
It took several times before I could actually sever the tie...
Last night he called me a "Dredge"...told me I told half of his life....he broke me down again with a voicemail and a text message....
Here i am crying in bed...and not going into work...
He set me back again....it's a process...and a long one..
Your man did not fire back when you told him you wanted out...he told you he understood and he loved you...that says something about his character....he is not completely done...you know, he may actually get help now!!
Keep your chin up....you took the first step...minute by minute is all we can do.
Thanks Mason and JF.
I went to my first Al-anon meeting (in over 20 years) last night. I'm so glad I went. I got their book, pamphlets & phone numbers. He hasn't called and I know he wont for at least a little while. A close friend of his hung himself this past Monday night, after which he apologized for everything he's put me through. He didn't want me to hurt like his friend was hurting. I think that's why he was able to let me go without a fight and without striking back.
I know I did the right thing by saying goodbye. But I can see it's going to be a major struggle for me to not contact him. I've almost done it a few times already and it's only been a couple days!! I've been doing a lot of praying and I'm going to keep getting support from Al-anon and from you precious people here.
The way it is right now, I still want a life with him. I want him to get better and for us to be together again. And I want so badly to tell him that too. But I keep praying about it and then I come to the realization that I can't give him any "prize" as an incentive to get better. His desire for recovery has to be because he wants it whether I'm going to be in his life or not. And maybe if I give myself enough time away from him to where my thoughts aren't dominated by missing him, maybe over time it wont be so hard for me to imagine a life without him.
I just realized something. I just have to stay away from him for today :-) That seems a LOT easier than focusing on staying away from him for the rest of my life. Wow. I hope I keep remembering that ;-)
JF, I might sound calm, but my heart hurts so bad that I feel like I'll die. That comes in waves though. And I think I actually went 10 minutes a couple times this morning without thinking about him. I imagine those times will keep increasing. I'm spending most of my time seeking God. Praying, listening to sermons, reading the bible, asking God to show me His love and to show me that He can love me better than ANY man. And I know He will. I forget that, which is why it's so painful.... cuz then I think my boyfriend is the source of love that I want and need so badly.... but then I remember that's not true. I wish I hadn't forgotten that for so long. But I did.
Well, I'm starting to ramble now, so I'll end. I have to get moving and run some errands. I'll be thinking of you all... and praying for us :-)
Hi JF....just reading others posts....and disappointed in a few...
have good days and bad days....money is a real issue right now...have to stop therapist sessions for myself and my son..
Making new relationships, friends, contacts...but still feel that the more time that passes the more solid my ex's new relationship is becoming... our divorce was much different, there was no other woman, he was living with a friend, he wasn't working much, he was depressed, we hadn't hit rock bottom...
Now he went right from me to his ex-lover...who, as i found out, he had been talking to regularly the two months prior,,she was already in his head and no wonder why we weren't truly getting along...
and that makes me very , very angry...
Betrayal, lies, mistrusting him was right!!!!
Now is also harder because he has turned so many people against me....the blaming, the lies, the stories....he just keeps burying me and I am sick of it...
I am the woman who got left for someone else...he moved on without skipping a beat...his life is wonderful and it feels like a Movie of the Week....I didn't deserve this....he honestly believes I amthe cause of all the bad in his life...
How am I supposed to live with pressure like that? how can he be so insensitive to my feelings, yet again? I am trying to tell myself that with his addiction, he is able to tell his brain to believe things that are not true...it's so hard....
but other than that....moving right along...lol
How are you doing?
For me? Well I am wading through some rubbish too! Feel like I am winning today but its been a bumpy old time. I have a lot of anxiety and shame coming up....and some work I need to do on my relationship with my dad which is still quite toxic....I've been posting around it quite a bit on here which has helped me work some things through. I joined the narcissists group too which has some different insights which I'm finding helpful....
Wishing us
'patience with the changes that take time, appreciation of all that we have, tolerance of those with different struggles, and the strength to get up and try again, one day at a time'. (Second half of the serenity prayer).
Trust me, his life isn't as wonderful as he is pretending it to be. Two alcoholics/addicts that aren't in recovery cannot and will not have good relationships. He will do to her what he has done to you. It's because it was never about you. He's sick and his true mistress is the bottle. No one will come before that.
My ex and his wife are both alcoholics, their lives are in shambles. I had to see him at my son's wedding and my grandson's christening. They fight, they never smile, and they are never sober. They've aged beyond their years. They've been arrested for beating on each other, and lost their home and jobs. The list is too long to write.
It is impossible to love someone deep enough to cure them. We can't control them, cure them, or cause their addiction. Those are three important Cs to remember. However, we can contribute to their illness by doing for them what they can do for themselves, giving them a place to stay, food to eat, clothes to wear, or paying for anything and everything.
People he hangs with know the truth about you. They know he's full of it. Addicts lie and people who have spent any amount of time around them know this to be true.
You're emotions are on a roller coaster and will be for some time. When you are really missing them and tend to forget the bad, head for a meeting or reach out for support. Keep a list of only the nightmarish things that you've been subjected to as a reminder for the days that seem cloudier than usual.
You can survive and know that this is a blessing, although it may not feel like it. Someone special is just waiting for you to be available. When we're wasting time with Mr. Wrong, the door is closed on Mr. Right.
My parents divorced when I was 17. My father left my mother n me and my brothers for a woman he worked with. Everything happened so fast we had a good life. N 1 day he came home n said he was leaving we were all shocked. He stoped coming home n slowly started taking his things w him when his gf n him would sneek 2 the house n the middle of the night while my mother was working 3rd shift. It was terrible I watched my mother cry every night she didt know wat 2 do. A lot of times she was in denial, she would leave in the middle of the night to go look 4 him, only 2 come home alone n unsuccessful. My father pretty much stoped talking 2 us. My mother started getting calls texts from his mistress she was crazy my father was telling her things about my family n she was spreading it n rubbing it in. It only took very short while until she started calling the house phone me and my brothers cell phones just talking smack 2 us. My father did nothing 2 stop the harassing calls. Mind u my parents were married 4 over 25years. We would hear things from family friends neighbors a lot of people where hearing terrible things bout my mother brothers n I.....they were saying they heard it from her. Finally sum1 suggested we get restraining orders againt her. We did. Finally everything stopped my mother moved us out the home we were all grew up n lived there my entire life. I stopped talking 2 my father. N about 2 years later on my birthday he called me, said he wanted 2 c me. After we moved out of the house his mistress n him moved n FASTED. they were practicality waiting at the end of the drive way 4 us 2 get out so they could move in......so when he said he wanted 2 c me that ment I had 2 travel to the old house. They let the house fall apart. When I got out the car SHE was there. Idk wat 2 do I wanted 2 kill her 4 wat she had put my family threw. Instead I wzlked up 2 her and said "nice 2 met u".....I had never met this woman b4. She had spread lies about my mother n my family n put us dwn. She had did so much emotional damage b4 I had even met her. But im an adult so I put my anger 2 the side and was nice 2 her face, I was trying 2 save me n my fathers rereleationship. I walked inside and was standing in my old kitchen looked at the fridge I noticed a magnet that said "bridgets kitchen". It made me furious!! That was my mothers kitchen 4 20years that was our home.....not hers.
Well good riddance I say. Let someone else put up with his stuff. Go to pinterest.com and look under Narcissism for some good sayings. It will lighten your load.