I am new to this group and wanted to post and introduce myself. I've been depressed periodically over the past 30 or so years and am currently in a depression that started in November. I am on antidepressents and Xanax but am only feeling slightly better. The focus of my sepression is on feeling totally isolated and also feeling that I dont love my boyfriend, but only need him because he treats me so well. I've been through this 2 times before with him, once with my ex-bf and several times with my former husband. With the ex and the former husband I was able to resolve my feelings and forge a loving relationship and I've done this with my current bf too...but when I get depressed, I become flooded with diubts and those doubts scare me because I have no safety net. In fact, he was my safety net after my divorce...surrogate Dad to me kids, surrogate husband to me.. We have not married because he is in a long term separation that is finacially and emotionally draining for him... I am driving myself nuts trying to find a road map out of these doubts.. If I feel even a shread of positive feelings towards him I get so encouraged because I dont want to have to end the realtionship and be alone in the world. I have a best friend in another state who I talk to daily, but limited support where I live and no family. He has been my primary support for 9 years and I think I adapted after my initial gut reaction when I met him which was "I'll have dinner with him and then no second date" But after the date, on which I struggled to find some attraction....he was so nervous and maybe that's what threw me off....I kept seeing him because he treated me like gold and we have a great sexual chemistry.. When I'm depressed..I keep going back to that initial gut reaction because all the tips I read about how to fall in love wit your partner assume that there was great attraction in the beginning. Not the case...our relatinship is about security and great sex..........I am terrified to be on my own but I need to either fall in love with him or figure out how to live without him. My firneds Mom told her when she was feeling negative abouit her husband that any 2 people can have a good rel.ationship if they work at it. Any advice on how to fall in love would be greatly apprecuated I WANT to love him and feel calm in his ptresence again.
Hello Elle,
I read your post and I can tell you this much. Love is not something that you can force esp. after 9 years; it must come naturally on its own. I have a genuine care for people and their issues and because of that i will never tell anybody on this site something that they just want to hear neither do I respond to post that I can't relate to. When we are going through and need help the last thing we need is for someone to just tell us something that sounds good for the moment rather than some sound moral & helpful advice. With being said, Happiness must come from you first. If you give someone the power to make you happy, if they should ever leave they are going to take your sanity with them. It is a must that you find contentment by yourself first and that way you're not making someone your whole world, but simply inviting them to share your world with you. To keep someone around solely because of great sex and stability with out love can be very unfair to the person who may be head over heels for you. Elle (if I may) there are some great qualities in you, (i may not know you, but i know there is something great in everyone) you have to find them and nurture them back to health. Depression is a very real and serious issue, but reading your words... it is most likely not the reason you feel the way you feel about him. It just allows you to be more aware of those feelings. If you don't find happiness and contentment within yourself first then every relationship you have is going to suffer the same issues. I am walking proof of what I just told you and if you have ANY questions i am here and more than happy to listen and help the best way I can. Now feel better because you deserve happiness just like everyone else.... ;)
Relationships are alot more then just staying in love as that usually is one of the more shorter lived chapters in relationships. One has to look at the long term aspects - respect,kindness, feeling supported, safe, secure, peaceful, contentment & yes good sex too. Just my opinion its an up & down roller coaster which makes life more interesting. So what is it that your looking for in a long term partner? Am sure there are many that have searched that same question in their heart so if you feel you need to end this relationship to MAYBE find "THE ONE" then thats your decision to make. I'm sorry its confusing & that you crave that ultimate answer & look within for answers as to what you want.
Take care of you.
April