Working withothers that fear you

Hey all,

I am struggling with many issues right now. But I ahve had my job for over 22 years and worked with one girl for 20 years and the other for 10 years. Since bieng diagnosed with schizophrenia and about 4 months prior many things got out of control. I struggled with trusting any one and made that clear and then did some stuff that i can not take back. Well die to that these poeple I work with that we all pretty much got along for the most part, I mean we have out hard days but got thru them. Well I have been told by the one that has been here almost as long as I have that she prefer I do not talk to her. To many thing in the past can not be changed or taken back. I know I hurt her and I have tried to apologize. In about the last 5 months things have gotten bad again and to verify for sure I had this conversation about not talking with her did happen I emailed her. In the last 5 months she has said some really hurtful things. Some true some way off. But still hurts. I leave work, my home every day knowing they are not comfortable around me. I ahve taken about a year ago a knife to try to hurt my sisters baby and they were around for that. In the email I jsut told her many times I think I am misunderstood any more due to lack of communications and assumptions being made. And wanted to make sure she did tell me she did nto want to talk to me. She stated in the emial this was true. She si tired of dealing with me and the way my mind twist everything she says around. How can that be if she does nto even talk to me. But ok. Then she mentioned how the place would do better if I was not here. she does not feel comfortable around me, ( I understand) and she could she would have me fired. I do my job just fine. She does not fire me due to she is scared of what I might end up doing or she has pity on me. Which I do not want to work at a place I am not wanted or appreciated. I understand some of her issues with me, but I need to get out of here. I can not work here much longer. But have no friends or family to go to. I am alone and can not afford a place if I leave due to this is my home and this illness is not cheap. I jsut feel lost and at the end and I hate the way I feel at work but that is my own problem, but I do not want to make others feel scared to be around me or be scared to be at work. It is not fair to them.

K9

Hi K9, I can understand both sides; her fear after what she experienced with you, and then you frustration of her not being able to get past this. If you can really try to show her that you are different now, with actions rather than with words. Show her that she is safe around you and has nothing to fear. Otherwise, another option is to look for other employment before leaving this job. If you can secure another position before leaving, then of course that would be best and the least stressful for you.

Puppy, I understand her fears too. And if she knew what kind of thoughts I ahd about her at times I would even understand more. But I try to make it like things are ok to a point. I am not easy being around at times. As for actions it is hard for me to do. When I am around her and the other girl the other girl I still talk to and interact with. I have some problems with her, but as long as communication stays open we work thru them as best as can, and I will admit the illness adds to the problem with her, but I realize that so try to remind myself all the time that. As for the other one I have tried in verbal and actions. I leave the house - work to give her time away from me. I try to keep to myself due to that is what she has told me. yesterday she said she does not want to talk to me and if it has to do with work and she thinks i need to be informed she will say what is needed, but other than that to just stay away, and then that I am not wanted and things would be better if I was not around. This hurts. I told her ok. I then talked to the other girl and explained that one of the problems is if I stick around and not talk well some times I think she says stuff to me and some times not so nice. My therapist says to do reality checks and verify what I think I hear by asking the source, but I can not do that with this one person. I even asked her last night if even that would be ok, and she said do not be stupid if you heard me say it then I probably did. But tried to explain to her that is not always true with me. She said that is enough I said I do not want to talk to you and leave me alone.
Hard to stick around and be with her if it is jsut her and i at that point due to I am nto sure if what I hear is real or not and can not verify it and then I let it fester in my mind. So I try ot go to my room or leave the property if not working tell she leaves. Just sucks to have to do that, let alone around some one you were friends with for over 15 years and worked with for 21 years.

K9

Hi K9, I can see how frustrating it must be for you to work in that type of environment. The second person who you refer to is a friend who you live with or work with or both? I just want to make sure that I am understanding correctly. Thank you!

Are these work related fears and issues or more on a personal level?

As for the friend it was that we were friends tell my illness became known. Ans since then she has done a 180. wants nothing to do with me and does nto want to talk to me or communicate with me and is scared at times to be around me.

That being said I do have many violent thoughts about some people, but she does not know this extends to her at times. But these thoughts are not knew I have had them for many years and I cope with them to a point. Then in my actionds I have done things that may make them scared to be around me and I see that, but I tried to make things better. Like with the other girl I work with as long as we talk things thru I do ok. And I ahve told her for me silence can be bad. Well with this one I sit in a room with her I feel very uneasy due to what I think at times she is saying, yet I can not ask her what or did you say that, and then what I think I hear festers inside me and makes things worse. But again she does not know this part. So for the most part I leave or go to my room, but feel like I should not ahve to do that either. SO it is hard for me, becasue I do understand there concerns to a point but to have people just feel like they turn on you it hurts and it makes you want to protect others around you by puching them away before you hurt them in the same way and in return get hurt yourself.

K9

Hi K9, I understand your situation now with both your friend and co-worker. Thank you again for sharing. I still feel that if you can show them through actions that you are harmless and they are safe around you, then they will turn back around. Try to give it some time. And, keep sharing here with us, we are here for you.