me and my man have been togther for almost 3 years.we are happy i think?the reason i say think is because it is like loving a changing mirror sometimes.he is a recovering addict and it is tough all the way around he has these walls that are so hard to break and when he dose let me in it is good but there is so many times that he just shuts me out.he says things like "every person has a idea of what they want in this life" ok so im not it right well thats what you would think.but he says thats not it .he asked me to marry him along time ago and again about a year ago but he changes his mind i fill as if im on a never ending rollercoster sometimes i finally told him the other night that i need him to make up his mind if he is or is not going to marry me.i have jealousy issues because he has cheeted on me 3 times to be honest i sometimes think he is today he just gets so distant sometimes and i fill so alone and lost.i know he needs his space but to be honest when he has space he drifts away from me strange huh.there has been some phisical abuse in our realtionship but it was provocated.i pushed him to it i know that and it makes me angry that i could do that.it is so hard to talk to him about us and sometimes i fill like me speaking to him is a waste of time cause he cant handle me telling him how i fill.we have 2 babys togther and he is a awsome dad and when he wants to be a awsome man.i am a very sexual person and he is not it seems as if me asking him to make love to me is the worst thing in this world??why?? he cheated didnt he then he must like sex right??or is it just me?i dont know im so lost i dont want to loose him but i dont want to be a door mat anymore.i just wish he would see it from my point of view .and understand that i have needs too.how long can a person go without getting there needs meet befor they loose it.who knows but then again he tells me all the time he can live without me so maybe it would not matter if i left but i have decided to love me first and to do what i need to do for me for a change i pray it goes ok and that we are still here at the end of this road holding hands if not then that will be ok to i guess i cant let this destroy me anymore...thanks for listening.
tracy physical abuse is not ok. i hope you are not saying that you are causing him to abuse you because he is in control over his own actions. also you said you have 2 children together think how do you want their partners to treat them when they are old enough to get married or be with someone. you dont want them to think it is ok to be abused or to be the abuser. im not trying to be mean hun im just trying to help you out ok. also on the cheating part he could bring a disease home to you. some of them are life threatening. it sounds like he isnt serious in this relationship as far as what you are saying between the cheating and one minute being close then distant and then wanting to get married and then not wanting to get married. you deserve alot more love and respect. i would go to an abuse shelter for women and seek some therapy and some help for you and your children. love doesnt hurt. i really do mean well hun.please dont think imtrying to be mean i just think you and your children deserve better and you are a very pretty woman and can do alot better. i will be praying for you and your children.
Hello Tracy,
If I told you that I was a good provider, loving, a good father to my kids but every once in a while I will cheat on the one person who loves me. Oh and if provoked I might just put my hands on you would you say I am a good person? I had to ask the question because I do not judge others. Now you on the other hand are in this relationship therefore you have the right to judge because it affects you. Don't wait to have someone else decide if your needs should be fulifulled. The choice belong to you. I understand that he is recovering addict and that along is very trying on ones' soul as well as those who love him. At some point he has to attempt to address those whom his addiction has affected as well as self forgiveness. It is something you see in him and I understand that. But understand that you can't make it happen alone.
Making love to you for him might be the worst thing in the world for him for right now. Selfish, emotionless and unattached sex is worst than no sex at all. Maybe he fears that he is not capable of expressing his love for you sexually as he wants to. This is probably why he cheats but still no excuse.
If you love him try counseling and give it your all which might not be much more than you have already given. Before you go into marriage make sure you feel comfortable communicating with him because it is tough enough without pre-existing barriers. Keep praying from the heart and you will find your way and hopefully God willing your man will be with you.
Tracy,
Physical abuse is never okay, no excuses. I agree with Kaz, counseling may help. If you love him try it. Just remember that sometimes love is an excuse to stay in an unproductive relationship. Be ready to realize that he may never be the person that can give you what you want. Be prepared to move on to a brighte future if need be.
Dear Tracy,
Alcoholism and drug addiction are a family disease. By this, it means that the effects of a family member's addiction have an effect on those in their family and friends.
There is support here, there is support in twelve step groups such as Nar-anon and al-anon (friends & relatives of addicts and alcoholics) there are therapists etc. But there are definately us out there who know where you are and have been there too.
Most of this help is private, and sometimes not telling the addict about the help I get is the safest way for myself and my children.
thank you all of you for ur support.i should say that it has been 10 months since he cheated on me and the worst thing he has ever done to me phisacily is hit me with a belt that was the worst thing i have ever went through as fare as emberrasing.but he was not trying to be clean then and like i sead i really pushed his buttons.i know there is no good reason for a man to hit a woman but i can be really mean sometimes.it is just that i dont understnad why he cant just see what i mean to him maybe he dont want to or cant or maybe i think i mean more to him then i do.he has a lot on his plate and so do i .i know i need to be patient and i know he will find what is right for him in the end but i just dont want to be left in the cold.im so confussed.it is really hard sometimes because he blames me for just about everything and it is killing me.it hurts so bad to be the blame for it all.i just want him to love me the way i love him is that to much to ask.when he wants to be he is a amazing man.just wish he could tell me how he really fills so i am not waiting forever for nothing.
Dear Tracy,
I think its a god sent, having this site to come to when I am not going so well or even when I am. Its good to vent, hear advice and choose what I want.
I am so glad your partner is in recovery, that is miracle in its self. Sometimes recovering addicts have alot of difficulty dealing with life on life's terms. What I mean by that is if they were stressed they would use, if they were sad they would use if they were happy they would use. ( do you get what I mean). Recovery for an addict can kind of be like a baby learning to walk, they wobble, they fall down and cry and scream etc. It is a massive adjustment for the addict & all the people who get used to the addict behaving in a certain way (which was difficult then, can be even more difficult in a different way when they are clean.)
I guess what I am saying is that when an addict gets clean I used to expect that my life would be wonderful and we would not have the problems anymore. But instead I was left feeling alittle ripped off that he was getting on with his life and I was left holding alot of uncertainty and resentment. That is why I come to these support groups and alanon. I really didn't understand what was going on.
My partner is no longer in recovery but I am still (alanon). And some days I can be good and somedays I can be overwhelmed.
But what I can tell is that these support groups are here to get things out, and that we won't be judged for the stuff we put up. And people care.