Yet another day

I don't feel the need to drink at all. The idea makes me sick. I just wish I could see my boyfriend to comfort him in some way -- even if I wouldn't be all that comforting in my current condition. Just being able to see each other would help. Unfortunately, he lives in a very small town and would need a ride to even get to a train to come and see me. And he's back at home with his parents, and I'm not exactly too welcome around there for a while.
It could be weeks until we see each other, and that would depend on him being able to get a ride to the train. That hurts the most, a little more than how bad it feels that this all happened and I completely blame myself. He says he doesn't, but I'd certainly feel pretty resentful if the tables were turned.
I hardly ever see any of my friends these days, so there's really no one to turn to. That's the main reason I've joined this site.
I'm not in school right now because I left during the spring semester after the deaths occurred. I'm also currently without occupation. So I'm basically at home all of the time, trying to sort through my dad's belongings for donations. That's not easy either.
All in all, I'm a wreck every day and probably will be for a couple of weeks. I'm certainly not looking forward to my birthday. I turn 25 (which I consider to be a kind of big one) on July 12th. Bad things have tended to happen around my birthday, so why should this one be any different?
I'd love for all of this to be resolved... but it won't be until late August. And then, depending on what's decided, things could get better... or way worse. It's been years since I've felt this way, but I have secretly been praying to slip into a coma somehow. I wouldn't induce it, but I hope for it.
Funnily enough, less than a month ago, I found a magnet poetry set and put it up on the fridge. As I was taking the words apart, I noticed 3 words together; "Let Me Die." Oh, irony.

AHHHH honey WE are here for you & you are doing so well, dont stop now, it all takes time with alot of things in life, please just give it time & it will feel better & I'm so thankful you are at least writing. The boyfriend will come around regardless of whats happened if your truly meant to be together, that goes for all of us out there huh, c'mon honey your do it, keep going..... talk to us....

April

Hi babygirlboots, I am so very sorry about everything you have been going through. I am glad you are not drinking. Have you seen you doctor and/or a counselor for help with dealing with everything? I have had times in my life where it feels like when it rains it pours but somehow have made it through. You will also. Keep hanging in there and taking it one day at a time. Keep sharing with us. We are here for you you. I will say a prayer for you. ((((hugs))))

Thanks a ton, my boyfriend and I could use all the prayers we can get right now. Anything to help us through.

Could be possible anything is so let's live today.