A function of power and not truth

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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all things are subject to interpretation- whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.
~ friedrich nietzsche
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i do love when i find a quote that sums up exactly what i'm trying to convey... let's see if i can explain what i mean...

for the past month or so, i have been trying [i use this word super loosely] to function within the guidelines of a meal plan. i've made it no secret that i have found it all to be far more challenging than expected. however, focussing on the physical-doing of a mp has freed up a bit of my brain--- and it has surprisingly wandered and wondered beyond my ususal, set limits.

i have never been one to believe that i am somehow *triggered* into behaving a certain way. nor was i one to believe that i could *hear* something completely different than what someone might be saying to me. but, guess what, honeys... i heard the little whispers of interpretation this weekend---and it allowed me to view some of my present and my history differently.

for example: my partner asked if she could get me some cozy pants in a larger size and put them up in the closet... she is anticipating my healthy weight gain. what I HEARD was that i must be gaining too much weight and need big clothes on stand-by... the word *healthy* is NEVER in my interpretation- quite the opposite actually--- i hear the ugliness of weight gain...

she also *looked* at me a lot this weekend--- like she was feeling pity for me and was noticing something i am unable to notice. she asked me several times if i was okay. because i DID eat my way through this thanksgiving weekend, i heard her saying *i hope you are okay with the weight that you are gaining.* that would also explain the *looks* she was giving me. eating food= getting bigger, in my mind's eye. am i bigger? no. was my partner asking me if i was okay about being huge? again, no. she was concerned because i was quiet and uncomfortable--- even though i had performed gloriously through consumption this weekend.

these two examples are just a few of MANY misinterpretted scenes in my life...from which i believed i was immune. and SOMETHING sent me into losing too much weight too quickly. i believe what KEEPS me here is not at all what *triggered* it all. because i was able to hear those whispers of interpretation this weekend, i am now one step closer to realizing some of my *triggers* as well as the realization that sometimes i DO hear something completely different than what is trying to be conveyed.

and while i know that none of this will change overnight, i am at least AWARE that the POWER of interpretation can be so much bigger than the truth. i look forward to learning to really LISTEN to what is going on around me--- and to learn to take everything as it is....rather than seeing things as a way to remind me that weight is bad.

who knew this vegan princess was this vain, eh? all about health, respect, and love, eh????? many eating disordered thoughts, interpretations, and triggers DO exist for me. accepting this can only lead to truth and reality and to a BETTER life.

i'm grateful for all your reading-eyes and for your cyber-support.
namaste
xoxo

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Reading your words today Amy...thank you for sharing and for continuing to examine your thoughts and beliefs.
You are NOT vain....period.
Love you friend!! ♥

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Ah... Absolutely no vanity in eating-disordered thinking, dear friend... ♥ The reason we, I believe, come to hear the negative in others' words regarding their concern, our progress, illness, etc., is because we have such LOW self-esteem... Everyone NEEDS to feel good about themselves... We all need to feel valued. Respected. Understood. And the irony in an eating disorder is that as we use that particular obsession (obsessions) to create some sort of self-respect, we actually push all positive feelings further away... :0/ This is truly a disease that destroys... It tears down instead of building up... And the harder we try to MAKE it work the way we want and NEED it to, the further we sink into our pain, depression, fears, illness, darkness... I can't see vanity in your perception of others' words and concern, Amy... I just can't. I used to fear vanity in my own, too, but I can now see that I was afflicted with just the opposite. ♥

Yes, perceptions are colored by our eyes... We each see things through many lenses before they reach the core of us... And because we all have our own lenses of understanding, experience, hurts, concerns, we all will natrually interpret the very same words, for example, differently... It's amazing, really... People are sometimes offended deeply by words that were not at all intended to offend... And sometimes, in my experience, others find comfort in words that WERE intended as attack. ;0) The lenses through which we see the world are markedly individualized. Kind of interesting to think about... ♥

Love you, Amy! :)

Jen

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Jen, you said it perfectly…love you!! :heart:

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OMG amy this is sooooooooooooooo true! i do this all the time where i interpret something someone says as negative! i alwasy intepret everything as negative. therfore i need to LISTEN to what others are saying and not **** up the interpretaion of what others are saying to me!

my fiancee always says i do that
thanks for the great great post!!!!!!!

love
maureen

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unseasonably warm again, i am sitting on my front porch smoking my *i'm not a smoker* cig.

jan, jen, and maureen-

i'm grateful for the connection that i have with you. many dormant thoughts, feelings, and misconceptions are finding a way to surface. and although i know now that people DID know that i was somehow suffering, historically no one knew the foundation of my suffering. i am uncomfortable and sometimes pretty defensive b/c some people now know... it is unclear to me how to accept this transparency--- even in therapy. i fight honesty as i fear vanity. i am continually disappointed in others' not understanding. therefore, i can't express enough how grateful i am for this connection with each of you.

what hurts me the most, i think, is that working to *fix* all this brings it all to the surface. i did somehow know that once i committed to this process that it would be *in my face*--- actually FEELING it all *in my face* is a difficult moment to moment process. when i simply can't take it anymore- when i am so sick of myself that i just can't stand it- when i want so badly to somehow ignore it for a while---- i end up resorting to find that comfortable opaque-ness. transparency is new to me. allowing myself to DIRECTLY see and hear what is really going on in my head is painful- add the fact that others' now know, and i find myself in a place in which i have never been... a place i don't like... a place that hurts.

i know that it's all moment by moment. it still does not dismiss the very REAL confusion and uncertainty i feel. it does not dismiss my need to *pretend*, my need to keep certain aspects hidden, my foreign feelings of anger toward this process. anger toward the process? i thought i was angry b/c of the low quality of my life... my anger is shifting--- toward other people. i feel the anger of resenting what they notice- resenting that they mention that they care- resenting that i have been such an historical liar, that it is difficult for my loved ones to believe me when i am, in fact, telling the truth.

angry and sick of this whole subject matter, i am very well aware that if i look away to find relief from either, i will resort to familiar tricks.

this is gruesome. i can't stress enough how painful this is to learn this **** about myself... and how painful it is for my mind to continue to twist and turn trying to make it anything but vanity- to see it as somehow justified- to see it as anything OTHER THAN some illness.

this heightened sense of awareness can be too much. thank you for being here for me- and for braving the storm with me by empathizing.

i love you
xo

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amy---it is so amazing how what you wrote is the same exact thing i go through with my fiancee. exact . which is what gets us into fights. i always always misinterpret something good/positive as a negative. we talked about this in therapy. i thought i was alone on this one. really. thanks so much for all of you who are making me feel not alone.

i also also, fear vantiy as well. my faincee says i weight obsess because i am being vain, and that is just not true in my eyes. like jen---we are suffering from the opposite--low self esteem. amy ---vanity is something to whereas you look in the mirror all the time and think wow, im hot,

it is not wow, i look like a creature from the black lagoon sort of thing. we are doing this out of insecurity, not vantiy. two different things . in fact, i think ill send a little email to my fiancee who thinks im vain when in fact, this isnt vanity it is INSECURITY. he needs toget a clue.

you are not vain amy. neither am i . we have a problem that people misinterret as vanity. they dont get it so they dont know how to make heads or tails of it all.

then, they say things that hurt..and are confusing...

anyway, your not alone and i feel better im not alone.

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maureen, sweetie-
i'm so relieved that you don't feel so alone in all this. yes, *insecurity* is a much better fit. for whatever reason, i can see the struggle and can make sense of it for others... but now that i am beginning to recognize that in MYSELF, i can't seeeeeeee it as much of anything other than vanity... you know?
it's a great UNEASINESS that i feel when i think of food and weight gain. and i feel that uneasiness evolving into some irrational sort of fear--- fear that has nothing to do with what size i am. i tell you, it's a ***** admitting these things....
and the word UNEASINESS is quite the euphemism, let me tell you. i wish i could say that it's just uneasiness- that little and that simple. but it's not. it encompasses so much more... than size, and being pretty, and emptiness-chasing... i don't know yet WHY or HOW all this pieces together- but i AM starting to see a lot of it.
and... i'd like to say that i'm simply heart-broken over this transparency issue. and... i do not like that loved ones will question things that i'm doing/ not doing... i get it though. i really do. i just wish that it were not directed toward me. i hate that i've been so dishonest in the past--- and that no matter my effort, invariably something that i do or a way that i behave pushes my loved ones to question whether or not i am lying. good gawd, taking responsibility for this type of thing is truly crushing...
thanks again, maureen!
namaste
xo

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Amy, everything you said above really resonates with me. You are a very eloquent writer too, very talented! I have really struggled a lot with misinterpreting others' comments and misconstruing them into something negative. As I have been trying to up my calories over the past week, I find that I have been doing this more and more. Innocent comments from my husband often result in me thinking he was saying I'm becoming fat or look awful. Of course, I logically know that he wasn't saying that. But alas, my ED creates this negative interpretation that causes me pain. Reading your post really reminds me that I have the power to change that interpretation, and that I can take it from ED. Thanks

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you're a doll, chelsea---

you and i are beginning to understand that we DO misinterpret. for as strange as it feels, i think that is a GOOD thing for us. it's just one step closer to finding another tool to use in our favor...

thank you for your truth... and for sharing it with me.
namaste
xo