I don't know how to deal with my mom, she's always saying inappropriate things to me about me, or just in general. I'm afraid to say something though, or speak up. If I say something, they'll know something is wrong, that it bothers me. I always put on the perfect face about my ED and act like theres nothing wrong. I'll eat around my family, just to be like "see! I eat!". They say "you've lost more weight." I deny it every time.
My mom is the worst though. Last time I visited her I was with my boyfriend. She kept staring me up, and down the whole vist in a very obvious way. My boyfriend said she had to be doing it for a reaction from me. It was really strange. I finally snapped and was like "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS STARING AT ME?!" She said "because you're way too skinny". I dropped it at that. My mom even pulled my boyfriend aside that weekend and asked him "do you think she looks sexy being that thin?" What the heck???????????? Why would you ask my boyfriend that?!
She also says things like "have you lost more weight? You look like you have" all the dang time. She was up here a month ago for my birthday, and she actually said to me "you're skinny, you use to be bigger than me." I've NEVER been big as my mom.. and that's the truth. I'm not going to say dress sizes, but OMG. She says these things to dig at me.
Besides comments she makes about me she's always saying "I'm fat" "I need to diet" "I've gained so much weight yada freaking yada". She also comments on people... "Kristin, am I as fat as her?"..."Look how fat that women is!"
I just don't know what to do. My whole family is going to her house for Thanksgiving this year.
I'm dreading Thanksgiving more because of my mom than the food. I can't believe I just said that! It's so true though.
I want to say something, but I don't want anyone to think anythings wrong :(
I just joined this website today. I have suffered from bulimia for the past 6 yrs. I just turned 26 yrs old. I totally relate to you about the mom thing. My mother dealt with anorexia about 15 years ago, and almost died from it, and is doing very well now from it. Once she found out about my ED, she constantly, everytime i see her, makes comments about me needing to gain weight, and im so skinny, and trying to always make me eat stuff. thats one reason i have kept it a secret for so long, afraid of people hounding me about it, and judging me, and staying down my throat about the issue. I feel like saying, "i KNOW i have bulimia, I KNOW i am thin, I KNOW you are worried, but just support and love me, dont hound me, because when people do that, it makes me put walls up, and try to be even more secretive. I am going through a very hard time with my husband right now too. Hes mad because ive "LIED" to him about my eating disorder for so long. im trying to make him understand why, and learn about bulimia, but hes just mad and not supportive and loving. Do you or have you gone to counseling? Im thinking about going next week. My husband also says its all in my head, and i need to just
"stop". He doesnt understand that you cannot just simply "stop".
i really honestly think your mom is just worried about you . she is not doing this to spite you--she is honestly worried about you and doesnt know what to do...
how would you like it if you had a daughter who kept getting thinner and thinner and thinner... i mean that really is worrisome for a parent. she doesnt know what to do and feels helpless... so she is saying anything now hoping youll say something.
why dont you say something to her??? she seems to be opening up a door for you to speak out.
you speak on here every day about wht your going through---wouldnt you think your mother would like to know what is going on???? and then youll have support team and can get better faster. if you just hide all this nothing will get reolved and youll end up putting your health in danger later on, or possibly dying from this later on. sorry to scare you but it is true... yeah we can all say that wont happen to me---but it happened to me and yes i almost passed from ED. i remember the month before i got really ill from ED i said---'oh ill be just fine'....2 months later i couldnt walk or talk... barely at all...
there are several options that i can see clearly. 1) talk to her before thanksgiving. tell her how you feel about the comments that they just make it worse for you and then tell her why you clam up when she makes them. if she wants to help or talk about it, that is not the way to start it.
if it is too hard to open the conversation, e-mail her a letter saying it and ask to talk 'real-time' (face to face or over the phone) before that day.
2) don't go. tell your mom and family you are not feeling well. talk to your mom later about the comments and how they make you feel.
if you have something that is wrong or bothering you, you should let people who are close to you know. if you keep it bottled, it hurts worse when the truth comes out and you lied about it. the hard truth is easier to take in the long run than the sweet lie.
Kristin, i'm going to take a different stance on this one...I've seen you mention more then once that it secretly thrills you when you see you've lost weight...why is it pissing you off so much that someone is point out an obvious fact? Is it the way she is saying it, or the fact that shes saying it infront of people, or just the tone shes using? Because it cant be that shes pointing out that you've lost weight as I know you have previously said it makes you happy...
As for comments about her needing to lose weight and diet, I think out of respect for your situaiton those comments shouldnt be made. My mom embarassed the hell out of me at a family function this summer when dinner was served and she made some comment about not bothering to make a plate for me because i never eat anyway...
I told her after how uncomfortable and hurt I was by that comment and shes very careful what she says now. Could you maybe have a talk with your mom before you get there and tell her kindly that it doesnt help you at all it hurts you more then anything? I'm sure she would understand and tone it down a bit ♥
I can relate to you about your mom making inappropriate remarks. My mom does the same thing. She is always asking me"how much do you weigh" or "have you eaten and kept it down" and "are you still losing weight"...I simply just tell her that it is inappropriate.
My fiance's mom always talks about how big she is and how she needs to lose weight...etc. So, I know that can be difficult. But truly, if they know about your ED you need to tell them it is inappropriate to say those things around you. You have to use your voice to stand up for yourself.
Thanks for your advise guys, it’s appreciated. Yall don’t understand my mom though. She’s very rude, and harsh towards me… always has been. All during middle school and high school (before and during ED) she has always talked bad about my weight, and I’ve never been clinically overweight in my life. I grew up with constant comments like “Kristin, this is dinner NOT a snack” (implying I eat too much, she’s said this sense I was at least 6yrs old), “You’re going to have to face that you’re going to get bigger”, “You’re a bottomless pit”, “You’re not always going to be skinny”. All during high school she was very mean about my weight even though I was way underweight Junior and Senior year. She’s always tried to compete with me, and still does to this day.
16 years old, I was in the dressing room with her at Macys. I tried on a dress and asked if she liked it. Her reply was “what size is it?”, I said “a small”, she said in these EXACT words “a small?! You’ve got to realize that you’re not a small anymore. It’s too tight, you’re getting a medium”. That’s the day my ED began.
I don’t blame my mom for my ED at all, but it’s a contributing factor.
Gina, yes I privately get satisfaction with my weight loss. Do I feel good when others notice and comment? NO. NEVER. I’m the kind of person who wants everyone to think I’m put together. Everything’s alright, and under control. ED’s show (to me) something’s not right, something’s wrong. I don’t want anyone to know or think I’m struggling. Every time I get a comment I cringe, I feel worse about myself. Because it’s pointing out that others realize I’m struggling.
Also, this is why I'm having such a hard time standing up for myself. I don't want anyone to know I'm bothered, because if I'm bothered, it shows something may be wrong.
But whats the worst thing that would happen if they found out you were human? After all, you are human Kristin, being such, we all struggle with different issues...
I just joined this today, and I get exactly where you are coming from. My mom is the exact way.. "You look like you've lost weight again." or "you're legs look like sticks". Sometimes I love it when she says that because it makes me feel thin, but it's mostly aggervating. We are trying to ge better and they are putting us down and just making recovery harder and longer. But yeaa.. I would love to talk some time and we can share experiences. I'm just trying to find someone to talk to on here.