My wife gets up at 4 am to work out and often then goes for a 40 to 80 mile bike ride, or plays tennis. In the past she would then, at night, go back to the gym and run 6 miles onthe treadmill. She has broken her foot, went to the gym with her cast on. Broke her hip from "overuse" no falls no accident, just running too much, went back to the gym within ten days of surgery and proceeded to use an arm cycle macine and developed intense neck pain that debilitated her for weeks until she discovered traction. Bck to the gym. In the mean time our relationship suffered. She is gone when I get up in the morning and I leave for work. When I get home from work she is exhausted and goes to bed. I admit my reaction to the "abandonment" has been poor. But no one but me sees her excercise as a factor in the breakdown of our relationship. Can anyone relate to this? How can I effect an addiction intervention? Should I just walk away and detatch as alanon would have me do?
You know, I think that if possible, you should sit down with her before she heads for the gym in the evening after she's done work, and tell her that she is putting her definite athletic addiction over your relationship, and that you're not going to enable her anymore by letting her have both, you, and, her exercising.
What would happen if she came home after work, (already knowing that you're going to be there no matter what, because that's the way it's always been), and you're not there. Your clothes aren't there. I think she'd be scared. I'm a single woman and if I'd be thrilled if I had a relationship with a man who gave a **** about where I was, or who actually could admit that he needed some attention too. That would be so nice.
But first of all, try sitting her down before she goes.
If she says something along the lines of "I'll talk to you when I get home" or "can't this wait?" you say "no", it can't. If she walks anyways, I'd leave for the night, go to a motel/hotel, or to a friend's house for the night. She needs to know that she can't have both. It's working for her, she's doing no sacrificing, it's not working for you. She needs to NOT TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED, and the fastest way of learning that lesson is to not be there if she blows you off after you've asked her to sit down and talk to you, and say to her yes, this is serious and I have to talk to you right now. Your gym will be there tomorrow . That's just my point of view as a woman. She should be so lucky to have a guy that cares for her like that.
Sincerely,
babsbro
Thank-you for the reply. I am actually in the process of affecting your advice. I have told her I am moving to our second home but I have not connected it directly to her excercise as you have suggested. I will have that crutial conversation. Thank-you.
I have something similar to what your wife has, so i thought maybe i could give you some insight into what she deals with. I have orthorexia in which i obsessively eat the same healthy things every day and exercise in the same routine which is 5 to 6 miles of running and about two hours of lifting a day.
I am doing better these days, but in the past if i missed a day i would feel extreme guilt and anxiety about not being able to exercise. It would consume all of my thoughts, i would become extremely moody or upset and i wouldn't feel any better until i had exercised.
Your wife's problem seems a little different but i'm sure she doesn't fully comprehend all of the things she misses out on because this disease also tells her that she needs exercise more than anything else.
My family told me they thought i had a problem but i didn't want to listen to them. I had to come to terms with it myself and i think your wife will have to recognize it and want to change for herself and not you before she can start the recovery process.
I think you moving out is a good idea but you should be sure to tell your wife that you think she has anorexia athletica. Tell her you love her and want her to get help.
When she is ready to get her life back i think she will get help and hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.
Hey,
I would also suffered in the past from what your wife is going through. This constant and exercise and "woe be tied" the person or thing that tried to get in the way of that. Your wife knows it's not good, i'm sure she recognises that herself, but what she needs more than anything is to seek help.
I understand you feel so alone too, and it must be extrememly difficult to watch someone you love so dearly do this to herself. But this is something she has very little, in fact at this point, no control over. I would broach the subject in a loving manner...and opening a dialogue in regard to it.
i am so sorry to hear about this and how it is affecting you. My thoughts are with you and your wife at this time.
Moongal x
Thankyou Moongal,babsbro, and americanbeauty
You have been a great help making me feel that I am not crazy. I have been away from her with little communication for 5 days now. I moved up to our cabin. She is on her way up to play in a tennis tournament. I am all charged with your support and prayers. She is addamant about the seperation but I refused to pay for a third domicile. She wanted to lease a condo. She does not work. I will not pay for it. It is still up to me to come up with a solution so I have decided to live here in the cabin friday thru Monday. I can work here over the internet Monday and Friday. I have to be in the office at least three days a week so my plan is to commute the 3 hours to work Tuesday morning and spend Tuesday and Wed nights at the house but move in to the downstairs bedroom. Thursday afer work I will drive back to the cabin. I love it here at the cabin, It was to be our dream place and it still is. With my two companion dogs it will not be lonely. And, there is so much to do here. I caught a trout on fly tackle yesterday for the first time trying for a year. The first of many. Golf today.
thankyou again for the support. Its magic.
Hey Tommy,
So you have you spoken much to your wife about the situation or is that a "no go area"? It is sounds like ye are living very seperate lives at present.
Is there any plans for ye coming together to talk?
Congratulations on the trout, they say patience is a virtue and you finally got it.
Love to you
Hope you have an enjoyable weekend
Moongal x
Moongal
We had a nice weekend together. We had a seperation 4 years ago and she has initiated another seperation now. I am inthe process of moving to our second home. I love this house. I will commute to home town to work tues thru thursday and will stay at the main house with her but in a seperate room. Last time we seperated we were just crazy for each other. Judging by this weekend this seperatioin will be the same.
I did bring up the OCD this weekend in a frank conversation but she says I am off base, that she is healthy. Her trainer says so, her therapist says so, and her doctor says so. Of course these individuals ara all paid providers of services to her and have vested interest in her continuing as is.
My son lives in the big house. He just graduated witha sdegree in Excercxize hysiology. SHe says she knows I have discussed OCD with him and that is "triangulating" the seperation issue and I should cease and desist from that. I say he is a big boy, 24 years old, and in the field. I should be able to discuse it with him. The 18 year old daughter is off limits for the discussion.
Anyway she looks great, feels great and everyone says so, including me, with the caveat that it has come at a great price: our 29 year marriage.
We will be together every week for three evenings. We will be working out the details of the seperation. She needs to get a job, preferably full time. That will limit her obsessive excercize and spending. Our daughter leaves for college August 17th. They are very close. Things will change at that point for her. "Taking care of the kids" as her stated "occupation" wont fly anymore. The OCD is about control right? I will be gone, daughter will be gone, nothing to control. DO you think the obligatory excercize might accelerate again to like when she fractured her hip? THre a dayers again?
I am ok being alone. I wont be alone much. I have lots of family and friend support. Some are taking sides. They are people after all. They will do what they do.
Im not so sad anymore and looking forward with a plan. I am a good man with a plan.
i just felt like i had to write something here--simce i have had anorexia for years--and simce in recovery---developed anorexia athletica while in recovery. it is frustrating and when you look for help for excercise addiction --there is hardly any available cuz working out is seen as 'good'. for me--im like your wife-except i have cut my time drastically from what i used to do.i work out even when sick, fatigued or hurt and push my self way hard when i do work out. it is a horrible feeling----to go through a day without working out---the guilt, anxeity, moodiness,etc... it is a horrilbe addiction! and it does wreak havoc on relationships! my fiancee threatened to leave if i didnt get help, so i am looking into a therapist. all i can say -is hang in there and i know how hard it is on aloved one!addictions are hard! but she NEEDS HELP! i hope you suggest a therapist for her. she needs help with this addiction cause as far as the world / soceity is concerned working out is a good thing, so she probabaly thinks she is doing something good...but she is in danger.
i do hope she will seek help, as i am. i did this week cut back on my workouts a lot.
she can get help.
and if you want more info---go to the eating disorders support group above. alot of info there! very helpful!
you can also go to eatingdisordersonline.com or NEDA site--you can get info there, also.
good luck, and please--just try to understand! i know it is hard! just get her help,. or try to talk to her about it, like maybe an intervention or something....
christa
Her therapist and doctor considers what she is doing is healthy? She must be fibbing to them or where did these people get their qualifications?
Healthy exercise is exercise you do to built up and maintain strength, but does not cost you stress if you miss out on a session, and from your description of your wife it does sound like she couldn't miss a day of it.
She really does need help. And at this stage in life, it is so important to be looking after bones. it may interesting for her to find out what her bone density level is, people who over exercise are prone to low density...and in the future it will only lower, so long term it is doing immense harm.
For your son, how are you discussing his mum, if it comes from a place of a worry than that's ok, but if your son thinks that his has come to him to complain about his mum then that does put a lot of pressure on him. Remember ye are both his parents and he loves ye both, so don't put him in the centre as I am sure he is upset by the seperation already.
I am so glad that you have loads of friends to depend on because that's what you need now. And that you don't feel lonely, because you really aren't, and you have done the right thing. You sound very optimistic, i am so happy for you.
Love to you
Moongal x