one of the things I'm most afraid of about getting treatment is the possibility that I might go the other way and gain a whole bunch of weight...I can hardly stand myself as it is. :'( I want to be healthy,but I have this unshakable intense fear I'm going to develop another eating disorder.I already binge sometimes(but it's always on health food)I feel like I'm slipping.I used to throw up,but I was able to stop.it just seems to good to be true that I could actually recover completely. idk...I know it's so shallow to worry about,this is my life. I don't want to die. but I can't silence the voice in my head.:( help? does anybody have any advice on how to prevent develoing another disorder?
Hey Ella,
Reading your previous post, I would say you have some form of eating disorder and an extrememly unhealthy relationship with food. Which is common. However, you do need to get check out by your doctor who can check your BMI...and then you must seek therapy.
The most common fear with people who believe that they are "controlling" their food is that they will lose all control and spiral in the opposite direction.
It is not shallow of you, this is something that is consuming you...so don't be dismissive of your feelings.
But you do need help. You can't do this alone. There are trained therapists who properly understand your needs and concerns. It is important you talk about these. They will guide you and you show you that you are trying to control your emotions through food and give you better ways to deal with your emotions, taking food out of that equation and making peace with it.
It is important to talk through these things because it will let you see what is happening and open a new chapter into recovery.
The best advice I can give is, make a decision to make yourself well, seek help and keep coming back for support here.
Wishing you a fantastic day.
Thinking of you
Moongal x
I definitely felt like if I let myself have anything other than "safe foods" I was going to spiral out of control, gain 50 pounds overnight, or just become an uncontrollable insatiable eating machine. I thought if I let myself have one cookie I would end up eating 10 of them, or one bite of ice cream would lead to a gallon of ice cream.
Something that helped me with this was slowly introducing foods that were previously off limits. Maybe one bite, a measurable portion, a sprinkle of nuts on a salad or whatnot. Not only did it help my body physically adjust to food again, but it helped my mind realize that nothing bad was going to happen. I would often ask myself, "What's the worst thing that will happen if I eat this sandwich?" and force myself to answer the question. It helped me realize the fear was not really about the sandwich, and it took power away from my eating disorder's voice. This also helped me build up trust within myself that I could do it, that I wouldn't binge, that I could eat a portion and be done with it. Now, I might have cravings for sweets or junk food, but after one cookie or one serving of frozen yogurt I'm good and I don't crave it anymore.
Moongal is right though; therapy will definitely help you with this process. It's so nice to have someone to talk to who gets it.
thanks guys.:) but gosh,this is so so hard. I've felt like I was doing really well trying to seek treatment,I told my gramma and dad that I'd skipped my period,and i even went to the doctor willingly,but then it was like I hit this wall. the things she said to me,they're gonna take everything away from me,all of my control. they didn't have me admitted to the hospital because my vitals were okay,but she kept threatening me,saying if my blood pressure dropped any lower she would admit me instantly. and now I'm supposed to add all these foods to my diet,and gain weight before my next visit in three weeks,or they're going to admit me. I'm freaking out-I don't think I can do this. my dad made me eat yesterday before bed,2 whole bagels (I don't know how I did it,but i know it would have been a lot worse if I hadn't.I think he was testing me somehow,to see if I was really that bad,and I think I passed,because he's been tolerable today at least.but this morning after he went to work I had to run my 4 miles,because i just couldn't handle it. it's like i reached this point and just snapped,and my disorder has control over me. on one hand,I know I should seek the treatment,but I don't want them to do this to me.:( and if I get admitted,I lose all control,and I don't think I can deal with it. I haven't eaten that much food in one sitting in forever. I've been deathly sick all day,my stomach is all swollen,and I just feel terrible. but after I ran,I felt like I'm going to be okay,like I can comply again,to an extent,you know? but it was so scary when I felt like I had to run,like,I had no choice. I don't know how I managed to not throw up. idk. I'm scared.:( this is terrifying,and he doesn't understand. he has no idea what he did to me.
Ella…I know you are scared, and the recovery process must be slow and planned out in order to be effective.
You did absolutely the right thing by telling your family, and by seeking help!
It is quite surprising how your body reacts when you begin to eat again, and not always easy to predict…BUT, if you are eating a set plan, based on what has been recommended by your doctor, this can be monitored very closely so that it’s safe. The key to preventing you from bingeing, is to make certain that you eating adequate calories, planned ahead, and that you are getting help to deal with the distress that may accompany eating again. Also, eating a wide variety of foods, including those foods that you may think are ‘bad’, will be a good defense against getting out of control. If you limit certain foods or deprive yourself of them, you are much more likely to be impulsive and end up bingeing.
A plan, support and trust that you are doing the best for yourself will hopefully help you feel better.
Take care…please know that you have a lot of support here!! HUGS…Jan 
Hey Ella,
I am so glad you went for help. Are you and your father close?
I understand what he did was terrifying to you, but if you really look at it this way...it just goes to show how far your fears are gone when you have to run 4 miles after.
Try to understand that your father loves you very much and probably does not understand this illness very well at all. It may help both of you to sit and talk about it and give hime information about it. ED's run a lot deeper than wanting to look thin, they take over lives.
In those three weeks, before your next session are you going to see someone else for therapy, or do you have to try and do this without your therapist?
Have you been given information about how to approach this as I understand it can be very stressful.
I would recommend reading up information on it for yourself, so you know what you are dealing with. And keep coming back here for support...we are here for you.
Warmest Wishes to you
Moongal x
Ella, it is going to be very hard for you to gain weight in three weeks. Even if you ate 2000 calories a day for three weeks straight, you would most likely gain a minimal amount of weight. It's strange when you recover from anorexia-- you'd think the body would just immediately start gaining weight, but your body goes into survival mode and will use any incoming food for the most important things: fuel for your brain, heart, and vital organs. Once your body realizes that it's going to keep getting nourishment, you will start to see very small increases in weight over time. I don't say this to scare you or deter you from trying, I'm just hoping to explain to you what the body does and what you might expect in early recovery.
The good news is that this gives you time to adjust to food again, to start to get comfortable in the idea that you can eat and nothing bad will happen. You're not going to gain the weight the doctors want you to gain in the next three weeks, but hopefully if you are able to give your body nourishment each day, especially protein sources, perhaps your blood pressure will improve and they will see that you are working really hard.
I know this is a scary time for you, but just remember that you are not alone, and we are here to fight with you!
Ella,
I totally understand your fears. My biggest fear lately has been that I will balloon over night. I was eating spinach and vegetables all day long for months. My husband all of a sudden said no more. You can start eating more variety. I was freaking!!!
Guess what though - I have been eating more variety and surprisingly enough I haven't gained any weight. Don't get me wrong, I am still very vigilant about the fact that I might gain but it has been a wake up call for me. It is possible to eat "normally" and still be healthy and a healthy weight. I will be praying for you my friend.
It is going to be a slow process Ella, you will have to continually remind yourself of that but, you can do it.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers Ella.
Hugs and love your way.
Shana
I really hope your right.:) they took my scale away though,and I feel like I've gained like 50 pounds..I think maybe if I could see that I hadn't,I would be coping better,but i don't dare ask for it back.
yeah,me and my dad are really close,but this is creating such a rift between us. he just doesn't get it,and I 'm worried deep down he blames me,like I became sick on purpose. :(
yes,I have an appointment with a nutritionist next thursday. I'm scared,I really hope they dont give me an eating plan right off the bat,but I'm sure they will. I'm just trying to cope with the idea that I've chosen to get better. and I have,but I can feel those bad thoughts pressing in on me constantly,and a lot of the time I want to run the other way when it comes to all of these people "helping" me,because at the moment,it just feels like they're trying to hurt me. even the doctors-I don't feel like they're helping me,more like they're forcing me into something I don't want to do. this is awful.:( but like you said,this is going to be really really hard for me,huh? thank you so much for the prayers:) heaven knows I need it. your in mine as well.:)
Feeling overwhelmed is totally normal, Ella. What you are experiencing right now is very similar to where I was 2 years ago. Hang in there, it DOES get easier and things WILL improve. Right now it feels like your world is getting flipped upside down, but things will smooth themselves out.
Ella,
I remember when the doctors were forcing their eating plans on me in the beginning too. It is a very, very scary process.
They are looking at it from the perspective that in order to deal with the emotional turmoil you have you need the energy. Your body cannot function properly without feeding it and that also means cognitively and emotionally. Hang in there my friend. You can do this!!
Take it one day at a time. Remember we are here if you need to vent and let it out!
Be strong.
Love and hugs
Shana
Hi Ella,
You and I have so much in common!
Are recovered from anorexia about 6 months after recieving treatment and I am now suffering from bulimia. It is so easy to swing from one eating disorder to the next. Yet know matter what disorder you turn to it is the under lying issues that cause it.
What i found really useful was to do a bit of soul searching. Find out what it is that is causing this disorder. Once you find this out recovery becomes so much easier. Can you imagine a life without the burden created by food. To be able to go a day without worrying about how much you eat or weigh? Sounds like a dream to me!
It is also really important that you surround yourself with people you love and not people that bring you down!
Something else that really helped me was doing a 'self detox'. Reaarrange your room, get a haircut, buy some new clothes, or in any way possible re-create yourself as the person you want to be.
Good luck,
Jess Xxxxx
Hey Jess and Ella,
What fantastic advice - i really like the idea of recreating yourself to what you want to be....really adds immediate optimism to circumstance.
Keep pluggin at it ladies, we are worth the recovery
Best Wishes to you
MG x
that is really great advice Jess.:P idk..it's so scary to think of myself as someone other than someone with an eating disorder. It's so messed up but I feel like it's this huge part of who I am,even though I know that it's killing me slowly. how crazy is that? I don't remember who I am without this. it makes it so scary to try and break free of it,because who will I be then? I am getting help,but it's scary because part of me feels like it would be scarier to try and fail,and realize I might not be able to get better,than to just go on like I am. is that crazy? I fight that feeling,but you know,it doesn't make it go away.:( and I am so afraid of putting on the weight. I feel like a stranger in my own body,like I'm separate from it somehow? I need to eat for nourishment,but it makes me so sick. idk.:( thanks Shana and Heather.:P it means so much to know that other people have actually felt like this before. the doctors look at me like I'm insane,and so does everyone else,so it;s a relief to know I'm not completely alone. thank you so much.:)
Ella,
I know exactly how you feel, i battle those feelings every day. Its like you know you have to eat but when you do you feel so guilty and ill. The moment you put something in your mouth you feel like an oompa loompa!
I have suffered from eating disorders for years and it is a part of who I am. It got me through the toughest of times and prevented me from doing things that were much more harmful. But I have been vomit free( i was bulimic) for almost a whole week and honestly you feel like a totally different person, but in a good way. You seem to see the world in a different life and have this energy I didn't think was possible. People haven't stopped commenting on how much happier i look and how that general 'spark' in my personality is back. It has been the hardest week of my life but with every day it gets easier. The person you can be is definitely better than the concealed person you currently are!
It may be seem scary but take the plundge....you will thank yourself for it in the long run :)
Jess Xxxx
Jess - Great to hear that you are feeling the benefits of recovery. I suffer from BED and find some days very tough but I am trying different things to try and fill the time and try and change my persona from the girl with the ED - back to the funnny, sparky, social friendly girl she always was...it's going to take work, but it will be worth it.
Ella best of luck in your journey, I understand it is such a battle and although the road seems long and complicated now just take every baby step at a time. At try and start enjoying other aspects of your life that took back stage as your ED took centre.
Keep up the good work, you are my thoughts.
Much love
Moongal x
Jess-thanks for the smile. :P the oompa loompa comment made me laugh.and I'm so happy for you that your doing so well!
thanks moongal.:)