So I just got back the day before yesterday from a little mini week-long vacation, and...oh there is so much I could say. About both good and bad things. Well, the good things are I didn't purge until a couple days before coming back, and I felt so unshackled, so naturally alive, so spiritually and existentially TRUE and harmonious...I literally did not worry about a **** thing I usually go every day worrying about.
Now, the bad things are that ever since the MOMENT I got home, I've been on this binge/purge cycle that's been virtually nonstop up until right now. It's like all the excitement and stimulation and healthy ways of releasing my expressions and energy have become nothing more than a fantasy, something that seems as far away as the places I went, and now I'm back at the house where it honestly feels like one big huge trigger embodied in the shape of a building. "My" house. It doesn't feel like a home. And yet I need to feel like I have a home first before doing anything productive and financially profitable that will enable me to move away.
Sometimes I just hate this place, this house AND this craphole region of the country I live in, I hate my lack of motivation to get working on things, I hate the fact that I'm almost in my mid-twenties and have regressed back to being financially dependent on my parents, I hate how much I lie, I hate the fact that I have a stuttering problem (it's not f*cking fair!!! It adds SO much more anxiety and stress to my life), I hate how much time of my life I've utterly WASTED, I hate how manipulative I can be, I hate how spiritually depraved I am, I hate how much I'm just pissing away my creativities and talents and LIFE overall....."change" has always given me the illusion of truly, FINALLY happening, only for me to go back to those old, wasteful, harmful ways...oh when, WHEN will it finally occur for real?
Your open and honest expression here is great! It is obviously not great that you suffer, but it is great that you at least can identify your trigger. What was so wonderful, specifically, about your vacation? Is there anyway of recreating this in your immediate environment? I am new here, and I really have no one to talk to about my bulimia....but I hope to express feelings, learn from others, receive help, and (hopefully) help others.
-P
Thank you so much for talking to me! I love how we can all come here and just be completely open and put ourselves “all out there” without fear of embarrassment or judgement or anything! I’m sure you’ve gotten this question before but have you tried finding a therapist? Or a specialist in your area?
And I’ve thought every day (even while I was on the vacation) about those exact things. What was so wonderful about the vacation was that both the physical environment and social environment were so much more interesting to me and, just, so much more BEFITTING for the type of character I have.
The physical environment was just ALL mountains and hilly terrain and mysteriously meandering roads and crystal-clear water and eccentrically beautiful architecture, and there’s so much to DO with terrain like that (whitewater rafting, rock climbing, hiking, snowboarding, etc.)…as opposed to where I live and was raised. It’s flat, and too hot to even be comfortable half the year, and there’s no outdoor activities I find interesting, and everyone’s only recreational activity is drinking, and it’s flat, and it’s flat, and did I mention how flat it is?
The social environment was just equally as suitable for the kind of person I am, everyone is so active and vibrant and clear-of-mind and spirit…when people smile there’s just this weightless freedom proudly and shamelessly sparkling in their eyes, as opposed to here, where you come across the same thing sometimes, but I live in the kind of place where, if you’re born and raised there, you’re 99% likely to stay there. For the rest of your life. And people just go to bars or each other’s houses and get drunk all the time.
Sorry I write so much…I write every day and I just really get passionate about it…but anyway, I’m still trying to figure out ways to recreate these things…and thank you SO MUCH for your input. You’re not hopefully helping others, you ARE helping others! Including me! Thanks again!!
hi kristen...
hang in there... i know its tough. i have the same cycle of a few days (IF i'm lucky) of being b/p free and then those "vicious cycles of constant bp" -- obessiveness... i wish i could offer you some advice.
i also feel like i'm wasting my life away or at least my HEALTHY life away. its simply ridiculous.
kristen are there some things you can try to change.. like location of where you live since you don't seem happy or help with stuttering? my son suffers from stuttering as did my ex-husband so i know how it is. we are working with his school to get help now but there are some sites on the internet about visualizing what you want to say first... breathing properly... slowing down... etc. ?
i enjoy reading your posts here and there and wish i could offer you assistance, wisdom, and laughter like you offer so many of us!1
we are behind you...
xoxo,
caroline :))
Yep, I feel exactly where you’re coming from! I know hypothetically and logically why this crap is so hard to get over but, even when you can know the EXACT reasons why you do it, the EXACT things that trigger you, the EXACT way that it evolved over time into what it is today, and the exact tools to use to recover from it, it still FEELS so intensely difficult, and it’s like all that sensibility and true desire to recover just go flying out the window in such a quick flash you don’t even notice it.
I can’t change my location until I have some money, which means working, which is something I haven’t been able to do for a couple years now, due to lack of motivation and interest in things, anxiety because of my stutter (which jobs DON’T require you to talk at all? And that wouldn’t totally suck?). So I just feel stuck here in this hole with my depression and insecurity and lack of self-confidence, the very reasons I can’t get to working on things/get a job and actually GET OUT OF THE HOLE. What an annoying paradox.
And I’ve done speech therapy for the past year now, trying two different therapists, and it hasn’t worked much. I mean, it’s helped me out slightly, but not at all in the situations where I need it most (social situations, meaning situations where I’m simply talking to others). Yeah, trust me we’ve covered it ALL, breathing and relaxation techniques, talking softer and/or slower, techniques called “fluent bouncing” and “purposeful stuttering,” etc etc etc.
And thank you for such an amazing compliment. You’ve offered me so very much just by listening and letting me know you’re going through some of the same things. Again, thank you…stay strong! It’s sooo difficult to do but hey at least we’re striving for it 
backatcha! :)
had a rough b/p day today. grrrrrrrrrrrr. went 2 days without it ... sometimes i feel like this is the STORY OF MY LIFE... a couple days off - most days on... i guess i'm not trying hard enough. sometimes i just flipping WANT to binge... :(
ok - gotta run and will post more later.
caroline
