I was recently involved with a man that was everything that I wanted. I (still) love him. We have known each other for nearly 2 yrs but only "dated" for the last 6 mos. It took a long time for us to start a relationship because we've both been hurt in the past. We were both afraid but couldn't deny that we seemed to be exactly what we were looking for in a partner. Once we started dating, things were great. It was a long distance relationship, but we made every effort to see each other often and we were already talking marriage. We both have jealousy issues and although there were communication issues in the beginning, we were doing so well at working through them. The problem, he is an incredible person and would literally give you the shirt off his back. He can also get angry and hold a grudge. I believe the saying goes, "high tolerance, short fuse". For instance, we had a minor disagreement that could've been easily solved with just a little communication, but instead he said "I'm not going to argue, it's over". I was shocked but eventually he called and said he was sorry and had overreacted. I explained that those words shouldn't be used carelessly because to me words like that start to break down the bond that we have worked so hard to build. Fast forward, we're back together and happy but his brother and him are inseparable.
I somehow managed to get drawn into a family situation that made me see his brother in a completely different and extremely negative light. In fact, I honestly don't trust the guy at all and I'm surprised that my boyfriend put up with his antics. I understand the "blood is thicker than water" bond, but at one point there was a situation involving his brother that directly affected me and when he confronted his brother, the brother's response was "you aren't going to let a woman come between us, are you?". Please understand that I have made every effort to be supportive and understanding of their relationship and although I don't care for the brother, I never complained when we were constantly interrupted during our visits, or when our phone calls were cut short because the brother wouldn't stop talking to him while he was on the phone with me. My bf bends over backwards for his brother and gives in to anything the brother wants but the brother is very selfish and does nothing even remotely close in return. I know I make my bf happy, but lately things had taken a turn for the worse when the brother's (ex)wife left him again (with good reason). The brother's self-pity resulted in constant drinking and that resulted in him needing my bf to help him. During one phone call between my bf and I, his brother called 6 times. I didn't say a word, not even when my bf mentioned that he had to make up some excuse to get off the phone. My thoughts (though kept to myself) were, "why couldn't he tell him he was on the phone with me and that me reason enough to talk to him later". Again, I didn't say anything and just cherished what little time we had to talk. The following day, he and his brother spent the entire day together and although he said he would call me that morning I didn't hear from him. I texted him during the day and he responded but he was short which is not uncommon when he's with his brother. That evening, he called but was going to help his brother with something around the house before he headed home and said he would call when he got home. I never heard from him. I called him in the early morning when I woke up and realized he hadn't called but he didn't answer.
I ended the relationship by saying that I looked at this behavior as a sample of what my life would be like if he and I continued our relationship and eventually got married as planned. He and his brother live very near each other. These are 2 grown men. His brother's constant neediness bothers my bf but he doesn't like conflict and doesn't want to hurt his brother's feelings, but he hurts mine every time he acts completely different in his brother's presence. I had mentioned before that I didn't see us being able to have a life of our own because his brother had such a huge impact on his life which meant a huge impact on my life. I had also mentioned to him in the past that I didn't think I would be able to compete with his brother for his attention, to which he promised me that I wouldn't have to. Of course, this was before he completely blew me off after spending the day with his brother. They've both been in bad relationships and have suffered through a bad childhood as a result of their mother. My bf knew that I would never hurt him but he couldn't bring himself to tell his brother to give us our time. Again, we were in a long distance relationship so it's not as if we were together every moment.
They, on the other hand, lived practically right next to one another and worked together. The brother has never spent any time alone. Although older, he went from home to his wife, to his next wife, and in between the wives he always came running to my bf if he found himself without a woman. He doesn't hesitate to leave my bf for a woman, but he literally will not give us a moments peace when I'm around unless he has company or is out of town. I knew that this type of relationship would drive me nuts because I really resent the fact that his brother seems to take him for granted so often and demand so much of him, but won't give him his space so that he can spend time with the woman he wants to marry. I also found myself increasingly bothered by the fact that my bf wouldn't stand up to him. He always gave in, regardless of how he really felt about the situation. This is the same guy that dropped me like a hot potato when he was upset about a disagreement we had. Needless to say, I figured I needed to "read the writing on the wall" so to speak and because I knew I couldn't expect him to choose between me and family, I made the choice for him so he wouldn't have to. I ended things.
I feel horrible because I really love him and I know he loves me, but I also know better than to think that this will ever change. I feel horrible because I feel like he's being punished for being a good brother, but I really think that even though his intentions were good, he was being more of an enabler than anything. The brother cried, he jumped. Example, my bf took his brother in when his brother left his wife. They made up and rather than get a place of their own, they moved into my bfs house. My bf moved to give them their privacy but continued to pay the rent! My bf can have plans laid out for something he wants to do and he can be super excited about it (most recently, his new land where we were planning to build our house) but his brother will "suggest" doing things a different way and my bf will abandon the plans he was so excited about just to avoid conflict or confrontation with the brother. This is the ONLY person he's like this with. I know they've been through a lot together, but wouldn't his brother be supportive of our relationship if he wanted him to be happy? I miss him so much, but I feel like I can't live my life knowing that he'll keep his word every single time assuming his brother isn't involved. I'm so disappointed because for the first time in a LONG time I actually trusted this person and he trusted me. Our ONLY problem was that his brother was ALWAYS coming between us and usually on purpose and my bf wouldn't stop it from happening.
Am I wrong to feel the way that I feel? I don't want him to feel like I abandoned him, but I felt abandoned when he allowed his brother to be such a thorn in our relationship. We're adults and his brother is alone because he's pushed his wife away repeatedly. My bf shouldn't have to hold his hand through the difficult times that he brings on himself. Is this normal behavior? Am I the one that's wrong? I'm heartbroken, but so afraid that this would've happened eventually either way and better to end it earlier than later. However, I spend all day every day wishing I could talk to him, wondering how he's doing. I'm so sad without him, but I can't expect him to change and he's been catering to his brother nearly his whole life (only when he was out of the country with the military did he not). Oh, did I mention his brother has even hooked up with my bf's ex?? Who does that?? Why can't I just accept my losses and get over it?