for all intents and purposes of maintaining this fucking illness, i must admit to having *rules*: specifically *good* and *bad* lists when it comes to sustenance. i am quite capable of BREAKING some my rules to fit the situation. b/c of this fabulously interwoven, magic trick- i have been able to fall outside a stricter definition of someone with an eating disorder...therefore i've been in so much damned denial for so many years it's sinful.
my therapist [who does insist that no matter WHAT i do to twist and turn, i am afflicted with an eating disorder nonetheless], suggested that my ability to break my rules is a step ahead of the rest... that it can work to my advantage. she also challenged me to try to notice [not stress over or obsess about] how i'm feeling when i break or *over-ride* my rules....
before i arrived home, i thought about some of the times that i will... have a slice of cheese pizza [ultra-super-vegan-freak-organic-no-chemicals-no-processed-food...], or a bite of birthday cake... or chips... or whatever it is that i won't allow myself to have for a disturbing number of reasons. i will over-ride and break my rules when:
i don't want to be left out.
i can't afford to draw attention to myself.
i'm ravenously, dileriously empty and edging toward an out-of-control binge [which my binge is never as big as the true definition- but i will grab and gulp].
i know i can *take care of it* later. [i sadly have many compensatory tricks].
i seek harsh penance...
it just looks good, and i let myself have a bite.
so yeah, she's right to challenge me on this one. i wonder what it all means.... and i hope she is right that it will work out to my advantage.
just a short update: saw my therapist 3 times this week! yep! the stoic one gave in...and went from bi-monthly to weekly... to a LOT this week. the doubter has become a believer, my sisters..... although i continue to struggle with getting that perverbial BITE into my mouth, i don't feel as hopeless as before. baby steps, right?
thank you, my sweet sisterhood, for honoring me with your attention. years of silent wailing are pushing for release. i'm grateful for my audience.
Keep on challenging (and breaking!) those rules! It's something I'm definitely struggling with and working on right now. I know it's hard, but it's gonna be worth it. :-) Keep us updated with how it's going!
You are becoming my new idol....right up there with Jen. I only wish I could be as strong. But I will get there. Just hope I am not in the rocking chair on the porch of my retirement home by the time I kick this damned thing
Stay strong!
Lots of love!
new idol???? HA!
just b/c i've tucked my tail and cried to my therapist more often this week does NOT an idol make!
desperate not strong...
and yeah, i continue to break rules...but it's mostly b/c i've made some sort of deal with myself... i look forward to a time when bites make it into my mouth and actually work their way into my system WITHOUT all these exhausting deals.... uuuugh.
thanks for reading sweeties!
namaste
xoxo
No comparisons Molly....we each have to walk our own path.
Amy....I won't compliment you, b/c I know your eyes will roll out of your head...but I will tell you that I am somewhat relieved...that you have allowed someone 'in your life', logistically, IN, and that you are reaching out.
You are taking some steps....carefully, cautiously, but with sincere desire for help. That does mean a lot.
Namaste.....Jan ♥
thank you for your carefully worded response. thank you for your support and encouragement. and thank you for putting into words the *relief* you feel- i, too, feel a bit of relief...... i just didn't know that's what it was.
namaste
xoxo
OK I should probably know this, but what is "namaste"? And Jan, commenting on your post regarding boundaries, do you think we can get spell check on this site?? :-)
Molly....spell check would be nice...wouldn't it? ♥
Namaste...my own 'definition' is "the spirit in me greets the spirit in you" I just it as both a greeting and a 'so-long'...when I am talking to others. Look it up, it has an interesting history.
Thank you for asking...Namaste..Jan ♥
i don't know if i broke a rule this morning or not... but what a ***** to discover that i bought crunchy peanut butter instead of SMOOOOOOOOTH! i haven't much use for chewing sometimes... so crunchy pb is highly inconvenient.
but nonetheless... i had a bit. if anything, this experience will bring about more pause when purchasing the coveted pb--- and i will MAKE time to insure it is SMOOOOOOTH. :)
namaste
xoxo
Amy I just did the exact same thing!!!! And I am eating the crunchy; I actually really like it but it's a ***** to spread. LOL
Namaste.... now that I know what that means