Hi... I've never done this, but i guess ill give it a try im 26 and my boyfriend and i split up. We dated 10 years and im a mess... I've lost 30 lbs in a month (which is ok with me) I can't sleep or eat. I know it will get better i just dont feel like it will. I can't let go. I can't accept the fact that its over forever. I dont feel that it is... We still talk to each other. He says he loves me and misses me. We sometimes stay the night together. We were with each other 5 outta 7 days and nights last week and he still doesnt want to try and work things out. I know there isn't anyother girl. He said we were not happy. Looking back we wernt. We used to be best friends we drifted away from that. Now though when we are together its wonderful. I wish he wanted to start slow and try to work things out. Just try. He tells me he is a misrable drunk without me... I dont get it... I dont know what to do. I feel worthless, not good enough, fat, stupid... EVERYTHING! I dont want people to jugde me. I feel stupid that im this upset because my boyfriend broke up with me... How do i cope? How do i know its over forever? How do i let go? How do i give up on love??? Someone help me please!!!!!!!!
Hey Desi. We all feel the way you are feeling when our relationships end. I'm a huge fan of denial. I replay and glamorize all the good things we had together and drive myself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong, why can't we work this out?, he doesn't mean it, goes on and on...
As horrible as you may feel right now, ask yourself why you guys weren't getting along. Ask yourself the reasons why you don't want to let him go. Hanging out with you ex doesn't sound like the greatest idea, it's a quick fix to make yourself feel better for the moment. If he's insisting this relationship isn't going to work, please don't let him string you along. You really have a lot of thinking to do. If you allow yourself some time alone, maybe you'll be able to differentiate your emotions. Because right now it sounds to me you're still in shock and denial and can't let go of the familiarity and routine of "him". Don't hold on because you don't want to deal with the pain of the break up. Do what's best for YOU. Give yourself time to adjust. I know how you're feeling, went through it several months ago. You will be ok.
Please take care and let me know how you're doing.
xo, July
Thank you! I feel that hanging out with him is not a good thing, I dont understand why he wants to hang out all the time. He texted me last night and asked me to go camping with him and all his friends in 2 weeks... WHY? So we can have this great weekend together and when its over on monday i have to be back to reality and be alone again? Im afraid of giving up. Im scared. I want us to work out more than anything in the world... Im so confused. The thing is, is i can't let him keep hurting me. He has what he wants me with no strings... At anytime he can leave me again... This time i can't say anything about it beacuse im not his girlfriend... I can't just sit here and watch him fall into the arms of someone else. I feel like im willing to fight for my relationship but why?!? It shouldnt be this hard. I know he cares about me and i know he doesnt want to hurt me but i dont understand why he is doing this to me. When im with him i feel no pain, when he leaves im 10 x worse... Hes like my drug its great when i with him, but i go through withdraws when hes gone... I dont have it in me to tell him to leave me alone. I can't it hurts to bad. Im afraid he really will.... You dont understand how much it means to have someone who knows what im going through just listen and give me advise without judging... Thank you sooooo much!
Hey Desi,
I am so sorry about your loss, heartache is really hard and one of the toughtest things we go through in life. I too like July am a big fan of denial.
Hun i was in a situation much like you are in now, it was like a drug, I couldn't say no, it was out of fear, fear I would lose him and it was awful eventually it got so bad that I stopped feeling anything and just knew to be disappinted by the guy, because every high meant a rock bottom low. And everytime i tried to get away he managed to wittle me down because he knew how much i cared for him, but finally after enough mental torture I broke free.
And right now I am in this desperate place where I don't trust a soul.
So my advice to you would be to get out now, it's so so hard I know, but it does get better and in the long run you could really end up hurting yourself if you continue with this.
If he won't commit you don't need that. i know how it feels to have to stand in the shadows and try and control those hurt emotions, don't do that to yourself.
I know what you are going through and wish I could give you a big hug.
And we would never judge you hun that's not what support is about. Here anytime fory you.
Love to you
Moongal x
Thank you so much. I know that that is what i need to do. I don't feel i have the energy to do it. He is texting me right now. He still helps me with things around my apt and my car. I told him that I feel that he thinks i need him. I need to get used to him not being around because soon hes not going to me. His response was... Whatever you need to do. It hurts... I sometimes feel i can't get though this.. I dont wanna loose my ten year friend and lover. I dont want too... IM SO SCARED!
I know Desi, I know it's scary. But he has been clear about where he stands and now you must honest with yourself and think he's moving on but he's making me stay still, this isn't right....I have to do this for me.
And girlie i know how hard it is, to be so used to someone. But is it any easier how it is right now? He's not being fair to you and not really letting you go, you have to tell him you need time apart that you can't see him or talk to him for a while.
And there will be moments during this period when you are feeling you want to talk with him but we are all here supporting you along the way.
And it's ok, to be scared and upset after a break-up, especially of 10 years, but you must start to mourn this.
I am here for you, wish I could give you a huge hug, cos I know so much how you feel.
Much much love to you
Moongal x
There is a song by Jerrod Niemann called "What do you wnat". I think it explains how you may feel every time he calls or hangs out with you. I also am going through the same thing with my ex of 12 years. It was fun hanging out at first after the break up and almost felt new. Then he started calling less and less. We started hanging out on Sundays only then bam he is dating someone else. It is worse than when we initially broke up. I was being given a false sense of hope and he crused it.
Hey Desi,
I recently just got out of a three year relationship. It ended because he cheated on me and a friend of mine told and proved it to me. He'd been lying to me for months while living with me and my family. I think I can relate to you. This was my first serious relationship and I thought I was going to be with him forever. I'm only twenty, but I really believed that.
He was a part of of my everyday life and my best friend. I'm scared to be without him too. But the best advice on this I've been given is that it takes as much commitment to end a relationship as it does to be in one.
Being around him all the time is clouding your head and making it impossible to heal. I do hope you cut ties or atleast decrease the time you spend with him. It hurts at first but I promise youll be better for it.
Another thing that helps me when Im missing my ex too, is to think of five incidents where he has genuinely hurt and let me down. It sounds weird, but it helps you stop missing them so much.
Much love to you and good luck,
Amberlee
I agree that I have to cut ties. him and I have not spoken in a month and now I find out he has a new girlfriend. I have had to cut ties with some of my friends as well since they are now double dating with my ex and his new girlfriend. I think the hardest part for me is knowing he has moved on and I am still heart broken.
Best wishes,
Shawna
I am going through this too and there is not an hour that goes by that I don't try to think of a reason to text him, to get him to express that he still loves me in some way. But he ALWAYS disappoints me in the end because he does not want a relationship anymore.
Your addiction example was perfect and I kinda try to handle it like that. When I have a "craving," I try to call someone else or do something else until it passes. Sometimes I slip up and text him. Then the cycle starts all over again. But I get right back on "the wagon" after...
I have not been on in awhile because on Thanksgiving he texted me. We did not see each other but we were having friendly conversations via text. Then they got a little more sexual. He offered to wtch my dogs while I recover from a surgery I am having on Tuesday. I was ok then I went out Thursday and saw him with his new girlfriend. BTW, during our texting he said several times he did not have a "girlfriend". THe pain was too much I came home and over dosed on valium and zanax. My daughter called 911 and they pumped my stomach. I just got home today and I am still a mess. What am I doing? all this pain for what?
Hey Annie,
I am so so sorry for what that ******...and he is a ****** is putting you though. He is truly taking advantage of the fact that you loved and are still in love with this guy. And he completely sent an already broken hearted woman, mixed messages.
Sweetie I am so glad that your daughter called 911. How are you feeling now? Sweetie I do understand your pain...and I know you can't feel this now, but this awful pain you are feeling now, will pass. Sweetie have you started going to therapy? Please do hun, you should be talking with someone about this.
Have you spoken with your daughter since hun. How is she? She loves you so much you know, please remember that...in times of hopelessness that there are so many people in this world that do love you so much, surround yourself with photos of them, anything that helps. Because you are loved sweetheart...please remember that.
Keep talking hunny
Moongal x
I have not started therapy. I will call tomorrow. I hate that he knows he has this kind of hold on me. Why is it that we can love someone so much even when they do not love us in return? If I had a friend who was mean and un feeling to me I would have no problem losing that friend and making a new one. But with this relationship, I think i am doing better and then I have a setback. I wrote notes about the things I did not like about him and hung them in my bathroom to be a constant reminder. Yet here I am trying to end my life for what? I have chosen to glamourize the good times instead of focusing on the negative of the relationship.One of my friends is trying tough love. She told me I looked pathetic and psychotic. I have not talked to my daughter since this happened cuz i think she is afraid to be hom alone with me. She had me stay with a friend this weekend. What kind of influence am I on my 18 yr old daughter? When she gets her heartbroken will she be weak and pathetic like me?
I know exactly how that is. My husband and I have seperated about 6 months ago, HE constantly tells me how he wants the divorce to go faster and quicker and that we will always be friends. HE begs and begs for me to come over and then he picks a fight with me and i usually stuck trying to find a ride back to my place or waiting in the cold for the next bus to come by. There are times that we do have fun together and everything but the he says somethign to make me feel worthless and not like i should have even came over. I also know that he is very verbally abusive towards me, he constantly puts me down and calls me names. I feel like the only reason he wants me to come over is to do his **** dishes cook his food and find him clean laundry. He gets mad if i skip coming over because i got things i need to do. He gets mad if i say i want to stay here and hang out with all the different people. He tells me if i could find him a new girlfriend he wouldnt make me feel so bad. I am at the point to were i do not want to be with him anymore. I am not even sure if friendship is a good idea since he is so mean to me at times. I have to pretend that everything is ok in front of alot of peopel and I also can not show my emotions at any point or he tells me i am a attention *****. I have tried not to be around him but i get so lonely that i end up there. I have no friends besides him and hte few i keep trying to make but they ignore me so i guess not really friends. Well I know i can survive with out him thats not the problem and I know i can get ovr him eventually its just the lack of people.
I hope you do move on with your life and eventually you will get in a new relationship.
Hey Shiruru,
Wow, sweetie you are in a relationship with a very destructive person there. Are you proceeding for divorce, or has that even been filed yet?
You are right, you can totally survive without this person.
i was with someone who used to put me down constantly and I know how horrible that feels. You are not an attention ***** at all. Sweetie, you have no obligation to this person at all, I know in your past relationship ye had a big commitment to each other...but that is not true anymore...and I think your need to be with him, is part love and part guilt.
So maybe you should write a list of the reasons why you should keep away from this guy. And remember it takes time to retrain your thinking to remember that you have no obligation to this person. Just remember that you have an obligation to yourself...that's all that matters.
You seem like a lovely person and I'm sure you would make friends no problem, don't let him stand in the way sweetie.
Love ya hun
Moongal x
No wonder you are feeling so lost and confused ! He is sending you so many mixed messages you can not even figure out which way is up right now.
If it is over, then hanging out with him 5 nites out of 6 may not be such a great idea, at least not now, while you are still raw and hurting.
There are no easy answers but maybe some distance while you both decide what you want to do and work towards may be a better idea for now.
Good luck to you !