Tears equal weakness; a thought I have believed since I was seven years old when my cousin died. Everyone cried at the funeral. I wasn't allowed. Not because they told me I couldn't but because I didn't want them to worry about me. I suppressed my tears except for when I was alone.
As I got older I counted more weaknesses such as being ill. If I was sick in the middle of the night I wouldn't call my mom for help. Most of the time I would contemplate even waking her up because it probably wasn't worth it (I wasn't worth it). I would stand outside her door for hours while being sick- rarely ever actually saying anything until morning.
I waited 8 agonizing months of hidden tears, breakdowns, cutting, shedding pounds, depression, and numbness before telling my boyfriend I had an eating disorder. I waited 2 years and a relapse to tell my mother that I had an eating disorder. I was afraid of being her messed up dissapointment. I never told her about cutting.
I promised my boyfriend who stood by me that I would love him forever, that one day we would get married, had a child or two, and live happier ever after. I promised him I wanted to get better and I wouldnt relapse (broken promise #1) I promised him after my second relapse that I wouldn't relapse ever again (broken promise #2). I promised my mother I would tell her if I needed help (broken promise #3). never admit your weaknesses... It's what I believed since I was seven years old.
Tears never flowed down my face at that funeral. Only behind closed doors and times when no one would find out. Tears flow down my cheeks now... Tears for all the promised I've broken, all the expectations I can't find myself to live up to, and everything I'm afraid of. What am I afraid of? Why can't I stop relapsing into this horrible cycle of starving/purging/depression/cutting? What am I so afraid of?
Tears flow down my face because I hate that I am weak. Tears flow down my face because I can't tell people what I am really feeling. Tears flow down my face because I can't even eat a normal days worth of calories without becoming upset. Tears flow down my face because I don't want to be alone. Tears flow down my face because I can't live up to their expectations, I can't live up to the expectations I pretend they have for me, I can't live up to the expectations I give myself. Tears flow down my face because I hate when I cut myself but it's the only pain I can
control, I hate purging but it gets rid of it all, because I hate starving yet I love it, because some part of me doesn't want to let go, because I'm afraid of being an adult, alone at college, being a crappy nurse, Report cards, death, and simply failing. Because I am afraid to put one step in front of the other. Because I'm afraid they all won't accept me.
Allee, dear... ♥ It sounds as though you've decided what others expect of you, heaped those expectations upon your own shoulders, ignored the fact that they were too heavy for you to carry, then proceeded to climb up the Grand Canyon with them... Honey, cut yourself some slack... Trying to be perfect can only set us up for failure, since perfection is a myth... Tears and needing others... Not a "weakness"... A HUMAN vulnerability... You wouldn't expect others to act with machine-like precision... Why demand it of yourself? ♥
Love to you,
Jen
I actually see crying as a sign of strength- a lot of people are afraid to cry and show their vulnerable side; it takes true strength to let it out so you can move forward!
allee...the 'expectations game' is one I played for most of my life, also having given the message early in my life that even being ill was a weakness.
I went through the first 46 years of my life trying to meet up to what others expected of me, and therefore, what I expected of myself. I blamed myself or everyone else's pain or sadness, yet never took credit for their joy. I finally got the help I needed to change the way I thought about things, and to see things more clearly. The first step was getting adequate nutrition, without restricting, bingeing/purging or any other chaotic pattern, for at least six months. It's very improbable that anyone with an eating disorder will be able to think rationally until this happens.
You need to get professional help. Recovery is very doubtful without it. This is not because you are weak, but because an eating disorder is a complex monster.
I agree that being able to express your emotions is a strength, and a gift to yourself. Asking for help is also a great strength. I know you want to put this behind you, and you are working hard. Please seek some help, and don't give up!! HUGS...Jan ♥
Dearest Allee,
You are not weak, you are strong and you are a fighter. You are fighting a monster of an ED and it is a battle, and when fall you dust your knees off and get back up again...that is strength if ever there is any.
I also was brought up in the traditional household, tears were weak and being ill was weak. But tears are nature's way of getting those pent emotions out. Have you ever wondered why have a good cry you felt so good...nature...I truly believe that's what God invented crying for.
And being ill, is our bodies natural response to say "hey lady you need to slow down for a while and give me a few days break, take a load life, while I recover". It's a good thing that our bodies can do that too.
And sweetie as upsetting as it is to believe it now, you are loved and you are worth that love just as you are, no matter how many times you fall, when you are happy or when you are sad, when you are peak of fitness or when are as sick as a small hospital :)
Let down those walls, and let go of those huge expectations, it will take time to re adjust, but trust me it will be worth it.
Take care of yourself hun...and allow nature to it's part for you....you are loved.
Much love to you hun
Moongal x
Thanks everyone for the support. :) I plan on talking to someone at my campus which I go to next week. Hopefully that will help.
Allee :)
Goodl luck Allee, you're always welcome here for support.
Love to you
MG x
I don't think you are weak at all. I think you are too strong. There is a saying out there, something about a tree that bends in the wind doesn't break. You don't sound like a bendy tree and I want you to know that bending doesn't make you weak it makes you able to survive whatever storms come your way that much better. Please try to take at least a little bit of your load off your shoulders. You sound like a good and caring person. No one should have the responsibility of being perfect for someone else.
I know how you feel. I suffer from the same vicious cycle that you do. However, I find that my expectations of myself are far more than others. Take it one day at a time, one hour, one minute. And don't live in the past. Today is workng towards tomorrow. We are gonna have relapses, and bad days, but don't let it determine who you are. Who you are is a beautiful girl, who is building a life for yourself. I used to never cry either. But now crying is what helps me. Sometimes I sob and sob, for hours. I cry myself to sleep. But when I wake up, I feel better. Support groups are going to help you. Counseling. Talking to people who understand. You arent alone!