Not only did I think I was remotly in control of my ED(as much as you possibly could be) but I thought, at least had some hope, that it would get better with no outside help. I was wrong. I restricted today and again, like many other nights, decided I need to eat more if not for me for my boyfriend or family. So I grabbed ice cream. I don't know when my ED started screaming at me, but between the first bite and half way through the pint, I decided to get rid of it. Get rid of it all... And to make matters even worse I was happy when it was out of my stomach- actually glad and filled with joy!
What is wron with me. How do I stop myself from auto piloting to the bathroom after meals or after eating "forbidden" foods??? I hate purging. I hate having secrets and telling lies. I hate feeling happy about purging. I hate my ED. I hate my parents for triggering this! Again! I hate how I count all my calories and can't stop. And I hate tht I feel the need to restrict restrict restrict!!! And even more, I hate that I can't succeed.
I know tomorrows a new day. A clean state. Already I know, though I try not to listen though I know I will, that I must make up for the ice cream though I got rid of it. I want to get better but what happens when you don't know which way is up? Or even how to get there?
I fell you I'm going through the same thing right now I wish I had an anwser for you but sadly I don't the only thing I can say is try to get yourself some help to get this horrable ed monster under control he will keep trying to ruin your life and pertent he is your friend but you have to be your own friend a consept I'm still trying to learn just hang in there and keep on
Posting this site is great for suport big hugs and good luck
Love Leah
allee...you have an eating disorder, and it will cause you to believe you are a failure. You are not, but you do need expert help to stop this cycle and understand how to develop other ways to deal with your life. Fact: restricting leads to bingeing, sooner or later. Or worse.
I will get back to you later today if possible with some info about meal planning...hang in there...Jan ♥
Hey Allee,
Please give yourself a moment, a break for a second and just relax. You are trying to recover from an ED this is not easy. Have you been given a food plan to follow...I do understand how to difficult to follow it, but do try.
I know you think that restricting is "being strong" but it is not, that is the ED speaking, so everytime you know that you have to eat and your ED is saying don't...tell it to shut up...say it out loud if you need too, because it is not the boss of you.
I myself know that vicious cycle, and it's learning to let go of all those angles areas that we start to truly let go of our ED. You are doing great...just keep working on it. If you slip, wipe the dirt off and start again. But don't start by restricting, because this is not a REAL start this is part taking in the ED.
And it's ok to feel angry, let it out...cry it out...do whatever you need to do. It's ok to admit that you've got a battle on your hands. I would go seek therapy immediately. Tell your ED - NO MORE! will it have any control over you.
You're wellness voice is in there, let it rage for a while. And not this seemingly friendly ED.
I always compare my ED to a bad boyfriend. It treats me really badly, but has kicked me around so badly that I have become a slave to it, like I need it. And now I must turn around and say no, you've taken enough...and although I may feel lost for a while, because this prayed at my weaknesses...and I may want to pick up the phone and call it again...I'm going to try not to, because everyday away from it...is a day I get stronger.
I hope that makes some sense to you.
My prayers are with you.
Keep struggling Allee...you have a fighters spirit inside.
Thank you everyone for the support. And moongal, thank you so much for not only for support but for ideas and strength. I know I have a battle and its going to be a long one but I know with friends, eventually my family, and all the people here I am going to get through this. I know I can.
I will someday get therapy, i know i need it, i just have to gain the strength to ask. Jan offered to help me with meal planning- thank goodness for her kindness. I really think that will start my first steps because I didn't even know which way to turn to even start recovery.
I'm so glad you'll be working with Jan to meal plan! :) That was the beginning of my own recovery. ♥
Restricting DOES lead to bingeing... Biological fact. :P Bingeing can lead to the urge to get rid of the food... And the cycle continues... The only way to break it is to stop engaging in any and ALL ED behaviors... To follow a meal plan consistently. To provide your body with adequate nutrition so that it no longer wants to binge, and you are no longer spurred on to a purge. It feels counterintuitive. And sometimes it feels impossible. But keep reaching out. And keep trying. Your freedom is worth the work! ♥
Allee im in ur possition too. just letting u know u are not alone. The meal plan will help, even tho it might not be easy to follow, but hang in there.. ull feel safer if u know what ure eatign and that ure body is being nourished and being healthy.