So, heard about my blood work yesterday - I am anemic. Otherwise the nurse at the doctors office didn't say much. She also told me that the lady in charge of the ED outpatient program may be calling me today. Hopefully - I feel that the longer it takes to get going on all this the easier it will be for me to cop out of it all.
I called my psychiatrist a couple of days ago as well and was lucky to get a canceled appointment time for next week (instead of in 3 weeks). I am really looking forward to that appointment. I sooooooo needed it 4 weeks ago when I was supposed to go and couldn't because of my car accident.
I actually at an english muffin this morning for breakfast. May sound silly but I am the type that eats the exact same thing because it is what I consider 'safe'. An english muffin is a deviation from my 'safeness'. Not sure yet how I feel. I also have variety in my lunch today. Maybe I will have more anxiety after that, we'll see. I was able to go for a full 5K run on Monday night. This was the first full run I have done since my accident. It felt soooooo good. Only my shoulder was achy afterward.
Hope you all have a wonderful day today!!!!!
Love and hugs
Shana
Hi Shana, how are you doing now? Were you able to get into the outpatient program? I hope all is progressing positively for you. Thank you for being here and thank you for sharing. We are here to support you in any way that we can.
Well, yes I am getting some help now. Unfortunately it isn't as intensive as I may need.... we will see.
I met with the coordinator of the program at the local hospital and I think she will be good. Only problem is that she is only there 2 days a week and I will only see her once a week at most. My family doctor decided that if I meet with her once every 2-3 weeks and I see the lady at the hospital and I get in to see my psychiatrist more often I should try to arrange it that I see one of them every week. That way I am constantly checking in with someone. I think that is a really good idea except that makes for many appointments and I teach which means I will be very busy. I hope I can manage it all.
The holidays so far have been a little scary because of all the dinners and get togethers. I feel as though I have eaten way, Way, WAY too much. I can`t wait for the holidays to be over so I can get back to my daily routine.
Gerberdaisy, it seems that you will be getting a good amount of help. Although, I know that the appointments may seem overwhelming, try not to think of them on the whole, but try to take it day by day. If I think of my schedule for the next week, my anxiety sets in, but if I focus on tackling today, then I am calm and can manage it all. Does that make sense?
Also, the holidays can be a bit much for everyone. I know that I always tend to over-eat [much like millions of others] during this time of year. Don't be hard on yourself and try not to look back at what you've done, but rather ahead and focus on being healthy. That's all that matters...health, because without it we have nothing.
thank you puppydoglvr.
Generally speaking I do take it day by day. I have never been too good at looking too far ahead because I just end up freaking myself out.
My husband is very good at pointing out how little I actually eat. He had me think about every one elses plate at Xmas dinner. Of course they were heaping full and they loved every bit of it. I had a tablespoon of this and that and I still think I overate. Realistically speaking I know I didn't, yet I can't help looking at it from my ED perspective too. I was able to run every other day for the past week which has helped me feel a little more comfortable with what I am eating. I know... I should be comfortable with it regardless if I run or not .... but, small steps right:)
Hope everyone has a good new years eve!!!!
Love and hugs
Shana
I am new to this site :) Just read your message and it was really inspiring :) I have been kind of avoiding my counsellor because I had finally stopped seeing her, only to relapse badly and feel awfully lost! I am going to phone her because of your message.
Hope your car accident wasn't too bad! Well done for managing to run again, you are very brave :)
Absolutely Shana....it's all about taking small steps in the right direction. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You are heading in the right direction.
Wishing you a beautiful New Year and all of the very best!
I too always ate the same things every day (english muffins) its a hard thing to break out that habit VERY hard. I couldn't break out of that trap I had to go outpatient to break of it and other destructive habits. one step at a time its a hard to break of all the habits at once.. They were also my "safe" food.
I know how hard it is..even getting myself to treatment everyday on my own. I really don't know HOW I did it.
The voices were enough to confuse you (me) even after treatment I still had this disbelief that I had an Ed and it was actually an ED.
Even after having had an assessment.Its been7 mths Ive been out of treatment.I still have struggles to deal with but somehow i keep pushing through.
I am sooo frustrated with the medical field and how eating disorders are SO hard to get treatment for where other illnesses the help is more available ..it so FRUSTRATES me.Its sad how the majority of treatment centres are full and the waiting lists are unbelievable. Thats how COMMON eating disorders have become and how insensitive some people can be.
I really hope that treatment comes available for you Jan always says keep fighting for what you know you need. We do individually know to a point what we need if we are educated enough its just getting ourselves to take the step to do the work.And its hard but have some faith in yourself that you can get through this.
we hold the key to our own happiness...we really do.
this site is great for journaling..i found it almost 2 yrs ago I spent many months journaling here and that was in a sense a form of therapy all on its own.
So please keep sharing here we are here to support one another.
I too, always eat the same and play it safe day to day. It’s so boring, and after 12 years I truely need to make a change. I have no idea why it’s taking me so long to get tired of the same foods, but I have finally reached that point.
I too wish there was more help for us. All I want is to be done of all of this. I’ve tried nutritionist and psychologists. It’s very difficult to find someone who focuses on eating disorders, at least where I live.
Thanks for the words of encouragement folks. I cannot help but reflect on my two week holiday (I am a school teacher) and think how much I ate!!!!! I feel like such a cow. I wish sometimes that I could just stop eating anything period!! (yes that would be disastrous, I know)yet it is what I wish I could do.
Happy New Year to you too puppydoglvr!!!! I am hanging in there. I was supposed to meet with my nutritionist on the 28th of December but she was sick so, I see her this afternoon. I think I need it yet I am afraid to go. I tried eating different things over the holidays but they were very small portions and only if I felt they were "safe" to do so. There was cauliflower and broccoli salad, a sweet type of baked sweet potato anything that had no fat basically. Getting there but nothing to whoop over. Now that the holidays are over I want to go back to my same old routine. Unfortunately that consists of not enough which then leaves me feeling anxious because my husband keeps pushing for more.
I was a little out of it this holiday I think. I received a card in the mail yesterday from my sister that basically asked what was wrong because she sensed that I was bothered at Christmas. I also went to visit a good friend of mine whom I haven't seen since the summer and she right away said "oh my god you are sooooo skinny, don't loose anymore weight." Then she goes you are not doing the not eating thing again are you????
I didn't think things were that noticeable and I still don't think I look that skinny. I guess that is my denial though.
Anyway, enough.
Hope everyone has a wonderful start to the new year!!!!
Love and hugs
Shana
Hi Shana, thank you so much for the update. I am so happy that you will be seeing your nutritionist today, that's great news. You definitely need to slowly but surely add more substance to your diet. Trust me, I know what it feels like when everyone around you comments that you're too skinny, yet you don't feel like you are. I have been there and done that. But, in the end, my overall health and well-being won. I wanted to live a long healthy life and not be in and out of hospitals due to malnutrition.
Please let me know how everything goes with your nutritionist today? You are not going through this alone, we are here for you.
I went to the nutritionist and cried. I am soooooooooo scared of eating more. I felt a little ridiculous sitting in her office crying as she told me to try to eat such and such. But so the cookie crumbles as they say.
Shana, it's good that you cried and let your true feelings out. I think that it would have been worse if you sat there and suppressed your feelings. What you are going through is so normal, that's why I believe that you should add more food to your diet slowly but surely, this way it'll be comfortable for your and your body will adjust accordingly. It may still feel a bit odd for a while, but try to push through those feelings knowing that these changes are so good for your long-term health and well-being.
I too, talked to a nutritionist a few weeks ago, and recieved a meal plan I have not yet followed. I'm going to see a councelor Thursday, in hopes
that I can be more open to certain foods. The nutritionist's main concerns were lack of calories, and especially fiber. What foods do you get your fiber in, if any? Then I was talking to my teaching partner and she said she took fiber supplemental pills. Does anyone have an opinion on this?
Thanks, take care!
lclarke
Hi lclarke, have you tried adding some of those foods into your daily meals slowly but surely? Maybe you're putting too much pressure to do the meal plans on the whole right off the bat. Do you think easing into it will be better for you?
As well, I am a huge believer in taking supplements if your diet is lack in certain areas. I take a multi-vitamin daily to make sure that I'm covering all of my nutritional needs. Though, a supplement should not replace meals or natural nutrition that you should be receiving via foods through your daily meals. Here are some fiber-rich foods;
Lima Beans
Black Beans
Garbanzo Beans
Kidney Beans
Raspberries
Blueberries
Blackberries
Barley
Oats
Quinoa
Brown Rice
Almonds
Cashews
Walnuts
I hope this helps a bit. Let me know how things are progressing for you and if there's anything that I can do to help.
Thanks for all the tips, it’s just what I needed. Thanks too for your support. I have added olive oil (canola) to my cooking. Also, I’ve been on a fish kick lately, to change my regular routine of lunch meat turkey for dinner. In the past I would just use Can’t Believe It’s not Butter Spray. Also at resturants I get vegetables raw, and am freaked out anytime I recieve my chicken or fish soaked in juices.(always thinking they’re soaked in oils) I’m still trying to get through my head the difference between good and bad fats and carbs.
Something else I need to bring up to my councelor, is the enormous amount of guilt I would feel if I attempted regular snack foods. I’ve been to so many parties lately with awesome looking dips and other appetizers. ED is always keeping me from enjoying them. I’ve lived a long time without such huge cravings, because I knew of the chance of weight gain. It was never worth risking that to me. But now, maybe it’s because I’m older I’ve been craving a normal diet. For example it’s been 10 years since I’ve had macoroni and cheese. Pizza is another craving I’ve had. My goal is not only to slowly add new foods, but also satisfy my cravings once in awhile. It sucks because people often say, you don’t have to worry because you’re so thin. But then I think I’m on the thinner side, because I don’t eat these foods.
As you could see, I have alot of issues.
Take care of yourself and thanks for the fiber food list.
lclark All that you are saying makes so much sense. With therapy/meal plan you will learn (in time) what you can eat and what might not work so much for you. You can eat mac & cheese and pizza the one serving/piece will not make you gain alot of weight. (I hope I am not offending anyone by this) I know that is what is on our mind when we see a piece of pizza we think oh no tons of calories fat etc. But when you get to the point of knowing what you are ok with mentally physically you will be able to eat those things without having to worry about a "huge" gain. Work them in slowly. You know your body and it will tell you when you are ready to make those steps no matter how small. The small steps add up to more than the first "large" step that might take you backwards. Wishing you the best and here to help :)
Thank you. I’ve been really confused lately. For awhile I thought I was a healthy eater, with major restrictions, like alot of Americans who watch their weight. But like I said, I’ve had major cravings ( and guiltly acted on them under the unfluence during the holidays and purged) On a normal day, my diet is so routine and boring. I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t wait for the day when I can cook what I have the taste for, rather then what I should eat. It’s gotten really old.
I will be sure to take your advice, and take small steps slowly, but unfortunately with caution of weight gain on my side. Working slowly will be my goal. I will be sure to let you know what new foods I try to incorporate in my diet with time.
Thanks for your support; I really needed it.
lclarke