I have resisted an obvious maintaining feature of my eating disorder... Yes, I KNOW that control is a big part of any eating disorder, but I chose to believe that it was simply AN issue, rather than THE issue... I still believe that control is just a piece of the puzzle, but... I am accepting the fact that it's a much bigger piece than I wanted to believe...
Yesterday, my therapist pointed out that the effects of my childhood trauma and abuse have caused me to be afraid of the world... That the fact that I startle easily and have been known to check closets for anyone hiding (yeah, I admit it...) is the result of that trauma... And a lot of what I do, and have done, is an attempt to control things around me... Ahhhh... It all appears to be more deeply connected than I realized...
Then, last night, I read a bit before I went to sleep. I've been reading the ACA "Big Red Book" for alcoholic and dysfunctional families. I read this section that really struck a chord with me...
"We can discover many things from insightful self-help books or from a talk-show host. Yet, our experience shows that we cannot read ourselves into true change, and we cannot watch enough television to find healing that lasts. We simmply become information gatherers, which is a form of control in itself."
Whew-- That describes me to a TEE!! I have always prided myself on my reseaching... I never enter into ANY big thing without lots of reading and studying beforehand. I do not think that this is a BAD thing... In many cases it's a habit that has served me well... For example, before I went to Europe on my study abroad program, I researched like crazy... As a result, I had my important documents stashed in multiple places, and carried copies of my passport and ID with me. When I was mugged an hour off the plane, I was in a GREAT position when it came time to replace these documents... I'm a highly educated teacher, and do a better job as a result. And when it came to my eating disorder, I researched the hell out of it, as well. I learned TONS, and felt better prepared to begin the recovery process.
While I had HOPED that reading self-help books and otherwise researching my disease would allow me to heal, I found that it was not enough. I needed professional help. And, when I discovered that the help I was receiving was not enough, I was prepared to move into a higher level of care. I think that educating oneself is GREAT! It's my goal as an educator, afterall... I hope to instill in my students a love of learning! ♥ I never ever considered the possibility that all my researching might be an effort to control situations... But that is absolutely true... I still don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, but it's very interesting to understand things in this way... Especially when one's natural personality traits (i.e. tendency to seek control) affect one's life negatively, and even put it at risk with the development of an eating disorder. Yikes!
I don't want my personality to be changed, nor do I really think that's possible. :) But there is a beauty to be found in moderation and balance... I need to establish that in ALL areas of my life in order to fully recover...
Thinking of you all, and wishing you peace. ♥
Love,
Jen
I wish I could have read myself into recovery… I certainly TRIED… ;0)
I know you have further to go, but all of us do… If I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned that recovery is not a static goal… There will never be a time when you have reached “it” and realized that your work is done! ;0) We will always try to grow and improve ourselves… It’s part of the process of LIVING…