Coping with the uncopable?

I cut tonight after not for a long time. Before the last time it had been years. I lost my mom on thanksgiving. I was traumatized by her death. I keep forgetting or not believing and when it hits that she’s died I break down. I haven’t had my kids in weeks dude to not being able to care for them for longer than a day or two without getting stressed to the point of tears. Now my biggest support and probably closet friend died in pain on thanksgiving. That I wasn’t anywhere near cause I haven’t been home to my family or kids in weeks. I broke during a petty diff with my boyfriend of almost 6 months DM. So I slashed at a place deemed off limits since my 22nd birthday when I got a tattoo close by for my oldest son. I cut around it. Not even deep enough to head blood just deep enough to cause raised marked that freak everyone out.
I just needed the numb just like shooting a shot of liquor or quickly taking medicine. Just quickly plucking at the skin in lines releases pressure in me and settles a calm over my mind of numbness. Like I’m shocked I call cause this to myself. I marvel in they’re longevity of use even healed mostly a few lines can give you a sting… I want to continue cutting to the to combat the constant sobbing about my mom. Me and my mom became close and distant. All at the same time. They talked on Facebook her and DM mom I talked to my mom but not all the time and not usually truthfully. Or not completely. The last messege between us was her asking me to come lay with her at night and I lied to get out of it. I lied and 2 days later she died. The last words she heard me say were good luck to my sister but still. I’m hurting physically. My mom was my rock the literally never breaking house. I knew she had health problems money problems and issues with her family but she wasn’t supposed to die… i take her to the hospital all the time she had congestive heart failure. Why was this time so different in everyone way different and scary. She wasn’t supposed to be dying. I didn’t know I’m drowning in fear and guilt but my boy is awake. My boy has such a good heart his daddy’s attitude but a good heart to be so young. I’m so torn up my 6 yr old is acting like it’s not a big deal ,once I shivered and cried to tell him , to comfort me. I’m lost without my mom. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around her being gone. I need to get my head on for my children. For the men I had those children with. For my siblings that are struggling. For my mom. I let her down this last finally time and she was right I have regrets, guilt and even a little self hatred. I miss her more than I can imagine and more everyday. I need to get it together I need to over come this. Not my mom. I know I have to grieve and I don’t have to let her go. I’m supposed to be hurt. I just can’t stay wandering through life day after day taking the new problems and just trying to maintain barely living. My mom never saw 50 years old. She died in the county next to the one she was born in. I love her so damn much I have to show her. I’m worried I’ll have to cut first to get through this initial shock and begin progressing any advice life story or tidbit of hope anyone wants to leave. Sorry it’s so long thanx for making it though :heart:

4 Hearts

I have been dealing with wanting to self harm and aggression just recently. I have been thinking about ending it tonight. I am down lately. It’s helpful to know that I will not be alone right now. I been trying to convince myself that it is my time. But i know that it’s not. I don’t want to keep going on is all like this. Just having a really hard time with my life

2 Hearts

We are so sorry for the loss of your mother, it sounds that while your relationship wasn’t perfect, you did love one another. Try and look into grief counseling, your desire to harm instead of processing your feelings isn’t healthy, you know this, but cutting is a soothing exercise for you. In order for you to be there for your siblings and your children, you need to put your grieving first, you can’t take care of others until you yourself have been cared for. -SG

1 Heart