Cumulative Loss associatef trauma

So I’ve been trying hard to make my loved ones that passed away proud. I still struggle though because I never really learned how to grieve. I feel all the unbearable pain but it’s like it’s all stuck inside me. I think part of it because of it being cumulative losses my entire life as I’ve mentioned here before a few times… And all people close to me. Dozens of loved ones… Around 30+ losses at this point. From little kid, to in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and above. And so much tragic loss. Older sister from the battle of mental health…, lots of dumb ol cancer, crazy freak accidents…etc. I’ve seen several loved ones pass in front of me, had 3 uncle’s and a friend age 28 this past year also pass away suddenly back to back…and the year before both grandmothers back to back as well as 3 other family friends.

One of my uncles also was like a father figure to me and his passing was also very tragic and heart-shattering I can’t even talk or think about him without bawling and feeling an intense traumatic pain inside and getting really triggered. He had some people turn against him and he was struggling so bad both mentally and physically. I desperately wanted to help him but I keep feeling like I was too late and that I failed him. I just hope he’s feeling no more pain and someday maybe I can start to grieve more freely without fear (I used to get yelled at as a child a lot for crying or freaking out regarding loved ones passing away, too). Anyways, Blessings to you all and thank you very much for reading this far in my message :mending_heart:.

It is so hard to loose loved ones and I think a lot of us aren’t taught to grieve properly. When my grandparents and an uncle died and I had a miscarriage all within a year and a half, I felt so broken. I have tried for the past decade plus to enjoy life, to live even with the pain. I put their pictures up and try to just focus on the good times.