Daddy! my daddy died and I can't take it. I just want to die. I need him and I can't live without him. Everyday that passes I feel emptier inside. I just can't take this feeling. Nobody can help me =/ He was the only person that really loved me and now I'm here alone holding back tears and praying for my death.
Ro28, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can only begin to imagine how you are feeling right now, but please know that your father will always be with you and watch over you. He is your guardian angel; talk to him and he will guide you. I lost the closest person in my life 7 years ago and it left the emptiest feeling inside, I grieved and mourned the loss until I was able to finally connect with him through prayer and meditation. I felt that he was closer to me than ever before and still guides me through life.
I am praying for you and know that you will heal with time. Take it one day at a time, I am here to help you through this in any way that I can. Sending you big hugs.
Tey only thing I ever prayed for was for my daddy to be with me and my prayers were never heard. I dont really believ ein praying anymore since nobody will hear me =/ All I want is my daddy and I’m only here because I’ve somhow convinced myself that he’s not dead just on vacation but thne sometimes i breakdown or have anxiety attacks and start hyperventillating. Mainly if I go to therapy or talk to someone who knows. It’s impossible. No support from anyone. Hence, how I ended up here. I was looking for a live support group (like where you meet people in person) but fond thins and decided to give it a try.
Thanks for your kind words. I’m sorry to hear about your loss.
Ro28, know that your dad will never leave you and will always be with you. He will guide you and hold your hand through life. Please believe that and pray, because prayer is the only thing that ever got me through that very difficult period. I turned completely to spirituality and it saved me. Sometimes you don't think that it's working or that anyone's hearing you, but I promise you that you are being heard, please know that. I feel your pain and I wish that I could take it all away from you. Time will definitely help heal, and I know that you will be in a good strong place soon.
Please know that we are here for you and I will help you get through this in any way that I can.
thanks for the advice but time isn’t really helping. I’m just feeling worse and worse and loosing my mind here. I’m out of school so there is absolutely nothing to do. At least with school I had a distraction even though it was also more stress, but now every day that passes is another day I haven’t seen my daddy! I’m waiting for him to come back and he just won’t. I’m glad praying helped you but I’ve never been ver religious and just don’t believe in prayers. It’s jsut never worked for me. I need something more tangible. What I really need is my dad but I know I’ll never have him and it kills me. He promised he’d come back and he just left me. I have no support from anyone. I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere. At home. my dad was the only one who really made me feel wanted. Now I just sit there in my room alone and occasionally get complained about. Nobody even notices me. It’s like I don’t really exist. I could die and they wouldn’t even notice!!! The only reason I haven’t killed myself is because I love my little nephew way too much and I wouldn’t want him to be upset if I killed myself. So I’ve decided to live my miserable little life just so that his wont be any darker than it needs to be. But every day I wish for death and then I wake up and cry because here I am, still alive! I really don’t know why. I wish I could die but I just don’t want to be the one to kill myself and I don’t want to hurt my nephew. If I didin’t have him I’d surely end my life.
Thanks for all your support <3
xoxo
Rose
P.S. I <3 puppies too =) I have a little dog at home <3
Hi Rose, I am so happy that you have 2 very positive things in your life; your nephew and your little dog. May I ask who you are surrounded by daily and why you feel that you are unwanted? As well, this would be a great time to take on a hobby, volunteer or possibly work part-time where you are surrounded by people. Purpose is what keeps us going, and when we don't have purpose it really makes life tougher. I need to create purpose for myself each and everyday; from work, to running errands, meeting with friends, etc.
What do you love to do? What makes you happy/smile? Let's get you to a positive place slowly but surely and help you move forward in a positive way.
Thanks hun. I happened to leave my house yesterday because I was tired of being there and came back to dorm. And I’m surronded by no one. It’s just me. At home my mom and sister are there and nephews but still I’m alone. Sometimes I call my nephew and he comes and stays with me a few mins but then he goes back to playing his video games. My sister, I go to her room, sit on her bed and she complains that I’m goign to pull out her charger and yells at me to watch out for it. Though she’s nuts n goes that to everyone. But I sit there and she’s jsut on her computer and if I talk to her its as if I said nothing. She doesn’t really talk or pay much attention to me I feel like its as if I’m not even there!!! My mom just complains about everything like I’m too fat, hair is ugly (cuz I haven’t straightened it and it’s curly). Plus she’s annoying because she repeats same things over and over and over or yells at me for stupidest things. Like literally absoloutly nothing!!! If I’m cleaning somehting off the counter she’s yelling at me for using a paper towel insteada the wet towel and like random things. Just little things. She’s always looking for a reason to complain. Or she says little comments that are indirectly directed at you. Overall she’s just mean. Sometimes she’s nice but it’s for herself not cuz she likes me. Like the other day I came back from dorm after a while and she hugged me and then she was like “ohh I’m glad your back because nobody was here and the boys slept upstairs(my nephews) and I was down here by myself. At least if you’re here and I need something or get sick I can call you.” Like if there had been other people she would not have needed me. My dad would have like me and would have wanted me even if the house was filled with people. When ever I arrived into the room he would be happy and be like “myyy baaabbbyyy” and other names he called me in spanish but nobody else seems to even notice when I walk in a room!!! It’s like I’m invisible. They call me if they want me to go do something for them!!!
I kinda like being in shcool. I’m a nerd like that haha. But it’s also stressful because I can’t concentrate that well in school with everything that’s going on. I like shopping. I love shopping!!! but I owe A LOT of money!!! sooo that’s not something I should be doing. I was babysitting and I love kids so that was nice and the pay was good. But the woman is a professor and she’s off now so doesn’t need a babysitter right now. There’s no job I can get just for a month lol. Who would hire me for just a month. I need money but I don’t know if I want to work at the moment. I barely want to get out of bed! I like to karaokee but that also requires money and other people so…I liked being with my daddy and sitting next to him and having him hold me and make a big deal about me as if I mattered but…
I just don’t know anymore. I’m confused in life!
Thanks for listening to me complain so much. Nice to know at least someone is reading =/
Do you mind if I ask your name?
xoxo
Rose
Oh Rose, please don't apologize, I am totally here for you and here to help in any way that I can. I've had friends with tough family surroundings, but getting away to school totally saved them. When is school back in session? I understand the need for money to obviously be able to do things for yourself; is there even a part-time job you can get for a month to get out and about; like working at a coffee house? It's all about getting you out, because sitting in your dorm room alone will not help matters, and going home to your family only seems to make matters worse. Let's focus on getting you out and about until you can resume your babysitting job. Do you even know of anyone that needs a dog walker? That could be a fun side job for you. If you look online at a site like craigslist.org, there are always short-term opportunities in an array of industries.
Please keep sharing, I am here for you.
Thanks puppdoglvr <3
Thanks for listening to all my complaining =) and thanks for the support. Send me a message if you'd like to chat about any of you problems =) I'd love to help you if I can <3
Nice meeting you =)
xoxox
Rose
You are so wonderful Rose! I am so thrilled that you are here and I truly appreciate your being here for me as well, it means so much to me. You're not complaining whatsoever, you're just sharing your feelings and emotions here, and that's so great. I am so proud of you for being here and so happy that you're here, you are such a bright light and add so much positivity here. Thank you for that.
All is a-ok for me at the moment; life's a fun little roller coaster ride that I'm on....some days are super high and fantastic and then there are a few dips here and there, but I've learned to ride through them. But, I promise to share when I'm having one of those moments :-)
well thanks for all you’re support luv. You’re an awesome girl =)
Glad to hear that all is well! =) I see you have like a kagillion support points lol so I’m sure you’re a great person here helping everyone with their issues and offering support =) I tend to be better at helping others than helping myself lol
I’m on a roller coaster too, but mine is more like the one from the Final Destination movie where it’s just going down and then the whole thing falls apart lol so I don’t think I’ll be going back up. But we’ll see. I’m happy to have met you =) You’re great and have made me smile several times today. Woke up wanting to die but I feel a bit more stable today =) I’ve been watching “Married with Children” all day on netflix lol
xoxoxoxoxo
Rose
Wow Rose, your words totally touched my heart & soul, and made me smile from cheek-to-cheek. I love listening to others and trying to help in any way that I can. There's nothing that makes me happier. And, everyone here is so amazing and have helped me so much as well. I feel so blessed to have you and everyone here as a supportive, compassionate and caring community.
I know that you are on your way up....I really do believe it. And, there is nothing better than watching comedies that make you laugh, that will really turn your mood around in an instant. I'll do that when I need a good pep up; I'll only watch comedies and talk to my positive and happy family and friends.
Please stay strong, stay positive, and stay your absolutely magnificent self. I know that your on your way up and out of this moment. I am here to "listen" and help in any way that I can....I mean that.
thanks hun <3 Believe it or not you've really helped me. Nobody really listens to me. I'm kind of just ignored =/ so thanks for being so awesome. I like comedies haha but I also LOVE horror movies! I actually don't mind talking to people that are upset cuz I can relate and help them. I feel good helping people. I mean if I can't help myself at least I can maybe be of use to someone else and make their lives better. But I feel like I listen to everyone's problems and seek out friends when I know they're upset but when I have an issue nobody is around. People usually call me to tell me about their problems not to see how I'm doing but whatever...It's my fault I guess for letting it be that way. Uhhh I have an intake evaluation at some therapy place today. I've been trying to contacct a different one b/c I think they will be cheapper but they don't answer my emails or the voicemail I left and when I called they transfered me to another department and I got an answering machine -_- that place has discounts for students from my school so I could end up paying less than $20 a session...but the place I'm going to today I have to pay $25 which isn't too much but I don't really have a job or anything and when I babysit I make like maybe $50 or so in a day and it's usually just once a week lol so I'd pretty much be working just for therapy and right now I owe A LOT on the credit cards lol. When I'm upset I shop and let's just say I've been REALLY upset lately =(
Hope all is well <3
xoxoxoxo
Rose
Rose, thank you so much for your sweetest words. I love communicating with you, you are such a wonderful person. I can sense how compassionate and caring you are, I am glad you are here and that we've met via this format. To me, it seems well worth going to the psychiatrist that's $25 because you have an appointment and they've been responsive, where as the one that's $5 less expensive seems impossible to get through to and that $5 is not worth the headache you will have to go through just to get a response. Does that make sense? This is your health and well-being, and that's #1, because without our health, we have nothing. It's worth giving up a couple of things in order to put that additional $5 towards a better doctor.
Regarding retail therapy, boy oh boy, I have been there and done that. I would spend money that I didn't have constantly and chose shopping over paying bills at times. I've grown out of that phase, but the key is not to look back at what you've done and what you've spent. Don't feel bad about it, it served its purpose at the time. Now look ahead and try to look at shopping as a reward (that's what I do); for example, if you get an A on an exam, you'll buy that necklace or lip gloss that you've been eying. Does that make sense? I only reward myself now when I've worked really hard or completed a project successfully. It really works.
Lastly, I've been through waves of friends; finding out who my real friends are in tough times. It's easy to be someone's friend when times are fun and fantastic, but when you need a friend and they're not there for you, then it's very telling. I had friends throughout the years where it was always all about them, all of the time. Sometimes it's healthy to clean house of those selfish friends. I have a hand-full of close friends and lots of acquaintances. I only share my inner most thoughts and feelings with 2 girlfriends, with all others I'm very private. I would rather have 2-3 really good friends where it's a two-way street, rather than a gaggle of selfish friends that are just there for fun.
Please let me know how everything goes with your psychiatrist if you'd like to do so, I'd love to know how you're doing.
yes. I went to the $25 place (the other place would be b/t $5-$20 depending on income and I have none). This place was ok. I wasn't psyched. I'm annoyed that I have to see a new person. She's ok but I don't feel the same connection as with the other girl I'm seeing at school. I just kinda clicked with her but...well you know the rest...
Retail therapy ahhhh horrible I can't even say how much I owe! And it's horrible because I don't make much and it's hard to pay it off. I don't always reward myself for accomplishing things because accomplishing them makes me happy. An A makes me happy. Sometimes I may get myself something small but the problem is when I'm depressed and feel like there's no point in living then I go off and buy a bunch of crap to distract myself and like I really don't need more clothes or anything at all especially since I dont' have money to pay it and my family doesn't have a lot of money! I'm like so horrible. I'm in debt and some of the money was supposed to be for paying tuition next semester!!! and I'm not talking a few 100s here! I owe way too much! and now I have to pay for therapy as well so I don't see how I'll be able to really pay off bills uhuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm so stressed out. I feel so useless and worthless and seriously the only reason I live is because I know my lil nephew needs me and I don't want to make his life unhappy.
I just don't know what to do anymore or where my life is going! It's so difficult. and I don't want to be home but I'm eventually going to have to go back or I'll get complained about and more stressed. Plus I really shouldn't be spending what little money I have on food here when at home my mom will pay for food ya know. uuuhhhh I just don't feel I belong anywhere. Bad things just keep happening left and right and I just can't get any happiness and once I do it gets take away faster than it came. I'm just nto meant to be happy and I jsut don't know why. I'm nice to people. I care about people. I don't steal or hurt people. I just don't understand I really don't because I'm not a bad person but nothing good happens to me it just gets worse and worse and just when I think it can't get worse it does!!! I mean now I really care about nothing but my dad so all the other **** that happpens in my miserable little life is just icing on the cake as they say but I just can't take it. I just want someone to love me =/ I just want my daddy! I dont know what I'm doing anymore I'm just lost and broken!
Rose, I can relate to what you're going through on so many levels. My life has definitely had many ups and downs. You know that you're a good, honest, trustworthy person who treats others so well; therefore, why is life working out the way that it is. The good news is that you have your entire life ahead of you....you are just scratching the surface now. Your life can be anything that you make of it. You are so well on your way; you are getting a good education, which is so key. Try not to sit in this moment now, but start looking ahead and planning your future. Focus on good positive things; what are you passionate about? What would you like to do professionally? Where would you like to live post-college? The world is your oyster...life is what you make of it.
Regarding your debt; you will pay it off, just take it one month at a time, don't overwhelm yourself. Sometimes when you think about everything on the whole, then it's too much. Break it up into categories and tackle one thing at a time, don't try to take it all on at once.
School is going to start soon, right? You'll be back in action and surrounded by so many great people, working towards your beautiful future. And can you start seeing your school counselor at that time (the one that you clicked with)? As well, can you start babysitting again and making money when you're back in school? Did you look at any jobs on craigslist in the meantime?
No I have a month of nothing to do NOTHING. I neeeeed my daddy! I just want to die today!!! nothing good ever happens. I can’t really take this crap!
Rose, I know that you're having a rough moment now, but let's work on getting you through it. Let's put you in a happy positive space. Do you have comedies that you can watch tonight?
I’ve been watching but it’s not helping. And I got tired n started falling asleep. I have nothin gto do so I guess I’ll just sleep and kill some hours. My suitmate will be up early and I’ll be awoken by noise and light -_- so I might as well sleep early =/ It’s better than sitting here crying n thinking of ways to die uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh I just seriously hate life right now!
Please think happy thoughts....take yourself to a happy place and stay there. Tomorrow is a new beautiful day and full of so many possibilities. Please smile and I know that each day will get better and better and better for you. Sleep well, sweet dreams. You're in my thoughts and prayers.