Im just one great big **** up and have so many mental health issues now and am in such a bad place right now.
Suffering - severe depression, bpd, ocd, anxiety, panick attacks, insomnia, severe skin picking, drug dependant, self-harm, abused, loneliness, illicit drugs & alcohol and an extremely addictive personality.
mmmh got a lot going for me havent i? - NOT!!!!
What man in there right mind would even contemplate coming near me! Thats what I thought before I met my husband who has put up with me for 7 and a half years - where has it all gone so wrong. He came along and we had a blissfully happy first 5 years and then it slowly went down hill form losing his job and jointly owing nearly £50k debts, to my mental health spiraling rapidly out of control. I looked my entire life for love attention and craved it from anybody as didnt get it as a child and evry man I met id fall in love with and thought they loved me but just got hurt, used, mistreated, cheated on, betrayal, severely beaten and abused and i just ended up a shell with everything kicked out ofd me.
I meet my husband who was all that I had ever dreamed of and so much more and what do I do - DON'T KNOW WHAT THE **** TO DO WITH IT! All he wants is love attention and intamacy from his wife that he dotes on and worships the ground I walk on. Gave up work after grafting his entire life just to take care of me & the kids! Why cant I show him how much I love him, why do I never want to make love (very rarely) (and our sexual relations are ****ing great - when it happens) other than I end up sobbing uncontrollably after just experiencing great loving! and I cant even tell him why other than its not his fault its me - but I dont know why either at all I cant explain it. I make him feel like I dont love, care, want, feel or anything about him. The cold shoulder the silences, the un bothered dont give a **** attitude - never going to him when hes crying his eyes out - as previously he pushed me away and whats the worst thing someone can do to me? knock me back???? OMG thats just the worst cause Ill never do it again. BUt he just thinks im heartless, but he cries all the time. What right have I got to make the best thing thats ever happen to me my doting husband so miserably unhappy!!
But why cant he be a little more understanding he tries but its too hard I dont understand let alone someone on the outside. He just sees his beautiful wife destroying herself and spiralling into a very dark place and he cant do anything about it1!!!Im on medication, Im starting another therapy in august, im going away to try a drastic diet to reduce my dependence on prescription drugs. Im seeking support online - im trying desperately but to no avail to him as everyday is unpredictable and hes struggling to cope!!!!
What the **** am I gona do - Im actually a good person underneath - Im in need of help desperately before its all too late xxxxx
Hey Girl,
Wow...you are going through a lot at the moment. I am sorry to hear about everything that is going on between you and your husband. But he loves you very deeply and he needs the feelings shown toward him too. I do understand after having relationships with devasting results on hard it is to let that guard down no matter how secure you logically know you are.
Does your husband realise how hard you are trying to work on this? You are not a mess. And you are worthy of the love that your husband is giving so please try not to tell yourself that, you just have some work on yourself to do. And as for the sex, i think often when we have sex with someone we are in love with we can't help but truly show how we really feel about them and in those brief moments you are letting your guard down, and that's ok, that's what proper sex is all about. So if you are feeling particularly vulnerable at present and the feelings that you have you are trying to nestle down are bound to come out at moments like these.
You also mentioned being used, I don't know if you mean sexually but if you do, of course that is going to impact you, if you are feeling vulnerable. Sex is the most intimate thing you can possible do with someone...so it's no wonder it is affecting your relationship.
At the moment just relax curl up to that loving man and tell him he is so dear to you and you are getting help. Because letting someone love you is not a bad thing. You are not heartless, you know this. You've just been wounded and have to teach yourself that being really open with someone is ok, and it's not going to hurt you, if anything it could give you so much.
We are all here for you hun...you have a good heart. Just trust yourself and take baby steps. Even if you just start to cuddle again with your husband instead of sex, all he wants is to feel that little bit of affection and you need that bit of assurance and I have to say, there is something very safe and comforting about a wee cuddle.
I hope you get some kind of rest tonight, but we are here for you if you need us.
Much much love to you
Moongal x
Thankyou very much for your support and kind words. And you are right I know that somewhere in my brain. But that part is working at the moment as in overdrive of feeling nothing! Almost tearful but not quite that be a first for a while but I then know that if i start I wont stop - and I guess the inevitable it will start if i go upto our bed alone as hes not here and has gone tonight. Im to numb to call him i dont know what to say and he said he would give me space when he called earlier. I want him here very much really but in another sense i dont - i dont know anymore i just hate the constant fight with him and it doesnt help being together 24/7. we are hoping that he may have a full time job offer in august i think that would really make a difference and get back to some normality as me mum and housewife and school run bk to my routine and him at work and look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day and have something to talk about. It would definately be a step in the right direction. But he is still a bit worried about me having bad days and often at the moment i dont wake up in time for kids or cant get my **** together or sometimes even talk properly cause of tablets. But ive tried to reassure him that its easy when hes at home all day to fall into a pattern of not doing things cause i dont have to. But if he was out at work id have to do the usual daily routine with kids etc - well for a start im not gona not do school run and have four children at home all day driving me mad when i can take 3 and just have me and the baby at home am I? Im not silly even if in trackies, hair back, sunglasses and off we go then come bk and sort me and baby out. Anyway going off on a tangent as usual.
Again I just want to say thankyou so much for replying and giving me some comfort.
keep writing
much love to u too xxx
Hey,
I know what you mean about the tablets. i keep forgetting really simple words...i was there in the therapists office trying to think of a word for ages, eventually I gave up:)
I think if you want to cry, cry let it all out. You have the night to yourself, no one is watching, just let it go.
You are a mother, minding four kids that alone is tough going. I often remember my mother crying from the pressure she felt under, very little freedom. She loved being with us, it's just she needed a break. She also suffered with her nerves too.
i would say your husband is feeling very frustrated too, some men are very much "providers" and hate the idea of being out of work so it that must be another thing that is upsetting and unsettling for him.
Seems that your husband is home, other than getting up later, has your routine changed any? Maybe you should take a time out for yourself. And I'm not talking a sleep in..I'm talking at least an half hour away, going for a walk, a drive....everyday. He will take the kids and you will get away...think...or don't think...whichever takes your fancy.
Exercise is such a stress release. Your husband and kids will thank you on your return.
So think for yourself tonight. How can you improve life for yourself and your family tomorrow. And it's all about filling yourself up. Remember in order to look after a family you have to look after yourself...what do you think would help you do this?
I hope I was some help and you are looking at tomorrow with brighter eyes.
Keep me posted I'm always here.
Much love to you
Moongal x