Honestly, the thought of jumping off a building and knowing that I’ll finally feel relief after I hit the ground is so comforting right now. I feel bad because I’ve learned to put on a ‘happy mask’ when I’m in school, but when I get home I feel like I’m suffocating. It’s crazy because everyone wonders how I’m soo happy all the time but they don’t know the sadness I feel constantly. I wonder what they’ll think when I’m no longer alive and they find out why.
I’m just tired of everything. I never grew up with a dad and I’m fucked up because of the way my mom treated me when i was younger. I feel unwanted and unloved most of the time and any time I see children that have good childhoods i just ask God why he allowed everything to happen to me when I was younger. Like, why? I’m 18 and I’ve never had a boyfriend or a first kiss or anything like that. I guess I’m ugly? And what’s really the point of living if no one will ever love me?
2 Hearts
Firstly, please don’t believe nobody will ever love you. I didn’t have a gf or even a date until I was 26. I’m 51 now and still battle severe depression over loneliness and rejection. But I have survived. And even though I FEEL a lot like nobody will love me again (my dad died at 53!), I know it is definitely possible. I’ve managed to keep going. Some days are better than others and knowing (for me) that reality is a lot of randomness wrapped in the occasional good fortune can give me a glimmer of hope.
Secondly, I would never want to discourage anybody from their beliefs. And I respect whatever you believe in. However, one of my biggest “freedom” moments personally is when I gave up on my beliefs. I wasn’t angry (at that time) or anything like that. I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out what I’d done wrong or how I needed to “believe more.” Because I honestly, sincerely, deeply, personally believed! I tried my hardest to be a “good Christian.” Bible says that if you believe, you can ask for anything in the Spirit and it will be given. Yet all I’d wanted was a wife. That finally happened, then she’d left me for someone who had beat and abused her (which I never did). I was so crushed. However, for me personally, once I gave up on constantly wondering what I’d done wrong and constantly trying to improve myself only to be put through situations I honestly couldn’t handle, I gave that part of myself up. It made no sense because I absolutely HAD kept “my part of the deal”: as in honest, persevering, obedient belief. I did have to deal with some Christian rejection and judgment after that, but overall, it was a very freeing experience for me. Now I don’t seek answers that I will never find nor will I endure the added hardship of thinking I am just a bad person or someone that God “hates.” Please do not let me discourage you from what you believe. I’m not even suggesting it. I’m just relaying what made me personally be able to survive.
1 Heart
Dem, if I am getting you straight your though process for suicide is cause you are not feeling loved cause of what you mom have done to you ( the past ) and cause you don’t have a bf. Jezz imagine that.
Firstly, suicide dosen’t solve anything ( I have had that thoughts also ) you are just pushing the pain forward ( to your friends and family wether you like it or not ) and imagine the life you could have lived. Everyone faces issues behind close doors and have traumas to face ( you are not special ) and I can argue that there are billions of people that would wish just for a day to have the life that you have.
Moreover we are at the same situation am 19 without a gf ( although I have had a quick fling or so ) but that doesn’t mean shit. No one would love you if you don’t love yourself period, show confidence.
Why would you place your life happiness on the pedestal of not having a bf, well cause your friends seem to have bf, they seem happy, they are having sex jezz 
.
I would easily say my life seems worst than yours cause I looked at your whole essay and I laughed 
. My thought was why would someone want to kill herself cause he seems not to feel loved. Where I am from love doesn’t mean shit, who have your time everyone is trying to fix there life’s.
So you better be happy with what you have, and sit down and write what your problems are then divide them between things you can change and control and leave the rest.
Much Love,
Priest .
1 Heart