It’s funny how you can have a few days where things possibly feel a bit better and it feels like a lifetime ago that things sucked. But in retrospect you can have a few bad days and the same. Feels like it was a lifetime ago things were better. I am so scared that my better moments will quickly be lost. I finished TMS and I’m almost done with the amplified extended version they added on to the typical treatment plan, switched my weekly ketamine treatments to the nasty Sparvato spray. Which thanks to insurance I’m stuck in the minimum dosage until they decide to raise it. uck you blue cross\blue shields. (Who also won’t pay sht for residential) I applied to some bull crap job. Something that requires not much effort other than showing up. I need money for the fact that major depression drained my bank account and savings. I so hope I’m wrong. But it’s simply a matter of time till everything crashes back down around me. Again much of that thanks to what insurance is willing to pay for vs not. I mean if they actually wanted to invest in my health they would cover residential and give me a chance to find something that actually works and hopefully not out of my own damn pocket…. I’m terrified. Terrified to live, terrified to die. I just want to disappear into oblivion. Just slide out of existence. I’m tired of fighting, caring, trying, failing, living and surviving. I want to give in. So damn badly. To just let go and just let be. I want to surrender. To give in to my depression. To let it rule the ways it demands to be. Go down the path of escapes it craves to succeed. To ride along with no regards to life or self. To just be. In all my misery. Just let me f*cking be.
1 Heart
Hey you! Happy to see you are posting. It does help a little, you know? Venting, talking about how you feel and so on.
The path you are hoing through is hard, but keep it up. I feel like there is progress. As little as it is, its still progress.
Hope to see you more around here.