Warning this may be triggering to some people....I am just in need of a major rant.
I am struggling so bad right now. Things haven't been very good for the past few days. Eating as little as possible, even with being in the hot sun and horrible heat. My body is drained.
I was at a hotel last night at the beach with my sister and nephew. After replacing eating with smoking all day, my sister fixed just some light food for dinner and insisted that I eat. I refused as long as possible and then caved and ate a tiny bit. I saw watching a movie with her with the baby asleep in the room beside us, with a mind in torment. Before I knew it I was lying to sneak into the next room and purge what I had just eaten, with my precious baby in the room right next to me.
I cried. I pulled it together and went out to spend time with my sister. Feeling that "relief" from getting it out of me.
Today, on the way home from the beach I had VERY little to eat once again. Feeling horrible the whole car ride, and incredibly sore from being SO sun-burned, I couldn't wait until I could get home. When I arrived I surveyed the damage caused by the sun and OUCH!!!! I am seriously a lobster. MAJOR PAIN! and I even used LOADS of sunscreen! I jump in a verrrry painful shower and the thought of how disgusting my body looked led me to purging even though I had nothing in my system. All while trying to exercise and "burn calories" at the same time :(
Now a few minutes later, I lay here worn out, in pain, and my mind reeling. I don't know what to do. What to feel. What to think.
Kasee....you are obviously caught in a cycle that you either can't interrupt, or you are not willing to. I think you can't, but not because you are weak...because the eating disorder has beat you down to the point where you cannot make choices anymore.
What is the plan? Are you going to treatment?
Please think about the fact that your life is in jeopardy. Kasee, you need help, and you are worth getting that help.
How can you 'act' instead of 'react'?
Thinking of you....Jan ♥
Mrs. Jan, Thank you for your response. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my word vomit. I go back to my counselor Wednesday, and we will talk more about treatment then. I do need help. I know it. It's time for me to fight for myself I know.
Kasee my beautiful friend;
please don't give up... I understand your pain right now, I do and I am soo sorry. I wish we could all just feel better.
Know that I am thinking of you and praying that you will be able to get into treatment soon. You can do this... I know that you can
Stay safe.
CC
Thinking of you, Kasee. Please let us know how the appointment goes on Wednesday. I, too, hope you get into treatment soon. Have you talked to your mom yet? You deserve a life free from this ED demon. I know you'll get there someday.
I love you sweet friend! i'm sorry my life has been whirling out of control lately and I've been too busy to pick up the phone and call... i feel so guilty! Let's set up a phone date soon! In the meantime - I am so thankful you are here spilling your guts, finding the strength to fight for yourself, and able to trust the people in your path like your counselor and friends!
