Hi all. Ruth as the others have said, you are not stupid, a loser, or any of the other things you think . from the way you speak and the courses you are taking in College you must be pretty darn smart, lol. Research has shown that smart people tend to be less able to make friends or feel comfortable in group situations.
My son and I both have aspergers, what they call a "mild" form of autisim. I also have ptsd and social phobia. This is about you, but I talk about me just to introduce myself and show you that I do know how you feel. As to the group heading, most of us seem to be in multiple groups, and no one is going to be upset with you if you post in a different group. We are all here cause we have things we need support with, so we understand each other. I am sure everyone else would agree you are wellcome under any category.
I was always very good in school, but socially like most "aspies" as we tend to call ourselves, I was very clumsy. I was raised in an abusive isolated atmosphere, and that contributed a lot to my social difficulty.
Whatever the reason, its hard when you are shy or have low self esteem like me to know how to go about making friends. I have an awful time with it. I cant tolerate rudeness and these days with the impersonal way that young people communicate, social skills seem to be on the out.
Being plucked out of your comfort zone and dropped into a scene like college, especially if you live on campus, is very hard and it takes quite a bit of time to relax.
First I would say stop being down on yourself. You have nothing to apologize for. It is really hard when you are shy because a lot of people , especially younger ones, tend to just assume you are stuck up. Also kids, sorry Im 55 so they are kids to me, tend to be jealous of the "brainy" kids. My son is brilliant, but socially he is lost. he is 23 and with one exception his friends are all on line, he has a lot of them but he does not do well in social face to face situations like yourself. I am planning on dragging him along to activities , get togethers, volunteering, anything to get him out there and learning the skills in socializing that so many of us seem to be born without, me included. I would suggest that you think about it and choose things that really interest you. There is not much point in joining a club, group, volunteer group if you dont honestly get something out of it just for yourself. And you want to meet people who have at least some similar interests. I am a strong supporter of our troops overseas. It has nothing to do with the war, I just have a soft spot for soldiers. So I am volunteering with the local red cross which does a lot to help soldiers and their families. I have made one friend and met a bunch of really nice people who may end up my friends down the line.
As much as I love this site and the people on it, personaly I am a great believer in face to face therapy with a trained therapist. Believe it or not until I was disabled I was an rn and did counseling. It is more difficult , time consuming, and often painful, but you may find it really helps and group therapy can help you see you are not alone and how to interact with people in a safe place.
You dont say what you think the reasons are for why you feel so shy, have little confidence, and are uncomfortable around people. Im just throwing this out as an idea, so dont think I am trying to diagnose you or anything. But since aspergers was first recognized not that long ago, thousands of kids have been diagnosed with it. From what you say, you have some of the hallmarks of it. This is just a thought.but you may want to go to a therapist to find out if perhaps that might be what is making it so difficult for you. I am fully aware there are many other reasons to feel as you do. All of that is why therapy is a good idea. It really saved my sanity through some very rough times. If you do go, you may have to go through a few till you find one you click with. That is the normal and intelligent way to do it. Dont feel alone, everyone here is happy to talk to you, and plenty of people in your college feel just as alienated as you do, believe me.
For me the hardest part of making friends is not the initial talking to people etc, its taking it to the next level. I mean what do you say to someone you just want to be friends with, without sounding clumsy and silly? I wish I had the answer,its the toughest moment for me , like, hey Ive really enjoyed talking to you, how would you feel about staying in touch? I never know how to do that. I see around me that many, many people have the same problem. So they just are friendly with everyone, but friends with no one.
Also, from my personal experience, friends are great to have but dont expect too much. I am a fiercely loyal and true friend who would do anything I could to help a friend. Just the way I am. And I tend to hold others to the same standard. Also, I am the caregiver type, so I tend to make friendships with some very needy people. Then when they dont measure up to my standards, like just taking and never giving, I end it and feel very betrayed.
No one has all the answers, but just keep trying, thats all you can do.
One last thing, before you make friends learn to appreciate solitude. Being lonely is so normal especialy if you are away from home for the first time. You need to learn how to be alone without being lonely. It takes a long time, dont feel bad. I have learned that I actually need a certain amount of alone time, and a lot of solitude. Thats one reason I moved from a city to what other people call the middle of nowhere. I wouldnt trade it for the world.
Good luck, keep trying, and you have many years to develop those skills.Just keep your heart and mind open.Learn to just talk to people. And if you get rejected for friendship by some people please dont give up, rejection hurts but learn to feel the hurt and then close that door and move on.
take care and keep talkin to us
dr