Fighting to see the light

Mental Health Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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"Fighting to see the light..."

My Life is such a mess right now! I go through so much pain and suffering every single day. I feel so strong sometimes and positive, but right now this minute, I feel so weak and vulnerable... I want to reach out to someone, but I feel like I don't even have anyone to reach out to any more. All my friends and family have their own lives and their own problems, and I feel like I am just so alone. I don't even know why I am writing this, but I feel like I want to just scream or die. I just can't go on like this any more. It is killing me literally, physically and emotionally. I feel like I just can't escape.

The only reason I even hold on is for my babies (Daisy,my little dog, Marky, my oldest cat, Mia, youngest cat). (That probably makes me sound even more pitiful, now that I have to explain my babies are my pets not even my children, but they are like children to me...) I'm so afraid if I die, they will get separated and no one will take care of them and love them as much/like I do...

Everyone else I know can go on without me, and take care of themselves. Sure they will be sad, but they will still get by ok. Its not that I don't love them, I just know they are strong enough to do so. But I worry about my babies so much! They are the only ones that really know what I go through day in and day out 24/7, and with the exception of my oldest cat, Marky who I rescued when he was a little more then 1 yrs/old, I have had them all since they were babies, and they all grew up together and love each other and me so much. Marky and Daisy have even literally helped save my life more then one time... Mia is the independent one, who also knows when I'm sick, but kinda only shows up when you really need her. The other two don't ever leave my side. They follow me from room to room, even to the bathroom for God's sake! They show me enough love to make me want to live another day, or at least long enough to either outlive them, or find them all a good home where they will be loved so much, and NOT separated! I don't even have time to do that. The way things are going medically, I doubt I'll out live them or come even close.

Sometimes I wish God would just take me, instead of making me suffer so much and taking away every thing in my life that ever really meant anything to me. I just cant figure out why I am still on this Earth? What is it that I have to do here? I wish I knew, but until then I will try to be strong, and carry on one day at a time. I am just tired of all the suffering.... I'm not afraid of dying, but I do believe in sicking around long enough to fulfill your destiny...whatever that may be?

"Then right before I wrote this letter, to no one really, I looked at my horoscope and this is what it said:
Although you have been working harder than usual, you cannot seem to get ahead. Don't worry too much about this predicament for your luck is likely to change, especially if you don't give up too soon. Today, your positive attitude can be enough to turn things around for you, but quitting prematurely will surely prevent you from reaching your goals."

I guess I will keep fighting and live to see another day...

Sorry this sounds so gloomy and full of pain, but I guess we all just have to remember that where there is darkness there is light..... and fight to struggle through another day and to find it!

Bless all of you out there who are also suffering in pain, loss, grief, etc., I wish us all the strength we need to keep fighting!

Peace & Love.

P.S. All you prayers out there, if you wouldn't mind, please say an extra prayer for my Father, James, who is going into surgery to stop his heart and have the pacemaker take over... I just found that out just now, right before I posted this. He lives accross the country, and I will not be able to be there for him and his wife, but I am praying for him, and know he will be ok. (Be strong Dad, I love you!)

--
Learn to wish that everything should come to pass exactly as it does...

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Also, Sorry so long! I don't really expect anyone to want to read all this, but I just had to get this off my chest....txs S-D

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I want to thank each and everyone of you for your inspiration and kind caring hearts. You don’t know how much these comments mean to me. I was crying tears of joy, just reading them tonight. You have all really touch my heart and soul and brought a smile and a glimmer of hope to my quest.

I got really bad news from some test results this week, and now have to face yet another terrible condition. They told me there’s not much hope, and that most people often die from it. However, after receiving all these comments back, I am going to do my very best to take your advice and fight like hell to live as long as I can.

You have all made a huge difference in my life right now, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I hope you are all doing well, and I send my love, thoughts and prayer to all of you as well for what each of you are going through yourselves. Hang in there, we will all fight these things together!

I am going to try to personally thank you all when I feel stronger and have more time.

My best to you all, and thanks so much again!

“Learn to wish that everything should come to pass exactly as it does…”~Epictetus I live by this quote, and know everything does happen for a reason.

I am so touched so many of you responded…

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hey there,
please continue to go on with your life. if you dont do it for yourself or other people in your life, do it for your pets. you are not crazy my pets are my life that is why i plan to surround myself with animals everyday i can. you may feel alone but without you your pets would be alone and they wouldnt understand. so hold all of them and hug them. when i am totally depressed like i have been for the past week i talk to my animals. they make me happy

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oh and your father with be just fine i will pray for him

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SEE Sunshine, your helping so many people here & the way you describe your wonderful surroundings w/your pets, LOVE IT. I rescued 2 Katrina pups months after I had to put my 14yr. old dog down & stay w/her so she would not be alone, I really had to think about getting animals again when the vet called even though I've had animals all my life, wasnt sure if I could bear the loss again & here I am after that terrible storm that took months to recover from & millions on the coast forced out of their homes & life that they built. I only wish I could have done more for others out there. So none of us are really alone & your sharing w/all of us here, thanks for that.

April

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Hi Sunshine,

You are not pitiful for calling your animals babies. I think its wonderful that you opened your heart to these animals a give them a good home :) I respect that! Ending your life is not the answer, as mentioned above they would miss you terribly and your friends and family would too! Don't give up! We are all here for you when you need to vent or to share.

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Hello sunshine....

reach out to someone...they're waiting for you to rescue them. Your destiny is helping those less fortunate and they need you badly.

Find them. Pull them out of crisis....

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I know how you feel. I feel i have lost my life also. You have to make yourself go outside and do things no matter how hard it is. Because of the pain and suffering you get stuck and not what to do things.. I go no matter how bad it is. if i do not i would lock myself in the house. I have the same thoughts about giving up.. Some of it is the Meds... My friend told Me or i would not have known.REMEMBER YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU HAVE A PURPOSE IN THIS LIFE. WE DON'T UNDERSTAND SOMETIMES. WE FEEL LOST. MAYBE WE ARE JUST WHERE WE ARE SUPPOSE TO BE. RESTING FOR SOMETHING IN THE NEXT DAY. MAY BE ITS A WORD. A LOOK. A SMILE THAT WILL CHANGE SOMEONE'S LIFE. THAT WILL MAKE A. DIFFRENCE

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patchworker that was so sweet what your friend said im gonna have to remember that one

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Sunshine-Daisy 72
Girl, If 72 is your age, I'm very proud of you having the courage to use a computer. If you graduated in 1972,then you are my peer which makes you my age.....56. Nevertheless, I am allergic to animal dander and cannot have pets. I wish my 86 year old Mother would rescue a dog or cat and learn to love them as much as you love your pets. Instead, she would rather stay locked up in her house and is afraid of everything. I often ask her "Where is your Faith"? I found your story quite interesting and I thank you for sharing. You need to let your little light shine everyday Sunshine-Daisy 72. We are all searching for our purpose in this lifetime, but we must open our hearts to receive the Word of God through the Bible Truth. Find your nearest Adventist Church and learn the Bible Truth. I guarantee that your purpose will be revealed. Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and share the love (even if it is with just a smile). You obviously have an humble spirit because of the love of your "children". Stay spunky and live your life with much LOVE, JOY & HAPPINESS!
Mary Joe

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SD - I never could have children and my foster children are gone. Our cat Baby is our baby. He's our son. And we love him like we would a child. Although he is definately "Daddy's Boy"! Unless dady works late at night - then he wants his Mommy! ;)

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i know that a beautiful spirit like you will see the light again. you see the light everyday when you look at your lovely children. and they are children. i know. me too. give yourself as much fur therapy as you need. take care of yourself. let love fill your heart. i bless you and i will pray for you as hard as i can.

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Hi Sunshine-Daisy.72, first and foremost I love that you refer to your cats and dog as your babies, that's the most precious thing ever and shows what an incredibly sweet and compassionate person that you are. And you are so very wrong in that others in your life can go on without you, they would be beyond devastated. I understand that you are in such a frustrated period of time, but sometimes when we don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, then something suddenly changes and we are given a glimmer of hope. Please try to hold on, stay strong, and keep sharing with us. I know that everything will get better and better and better for you. Try to surround yourself by loving and positive people. Do something good for yourself each and everyday. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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SD - just wishing you a beautifully wonderful day today.

Here's a cafe-mocha-vodka-vallium-latte!

Keep smilling sunshine!

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Can you make it a double! ha ha… Thank you so much sweetie. You have a great day also. Thanks for thinking of me too!

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Hi Sunshine-Daisy.72, how is your father recovering after his surgery? And, how are you feeling today? You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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Sunshine,
I am sorry for everything you are going through. You are lucky to have your babies. I love and care for mine just as you do. I don't know where I'd be without them. How is your father doing? Please don't give up on yourself, people will miss you. You are wanted and loved here on this earth in this lifetime. Please don't feel you will leave unnoticed. Whatever it is you are going through, you need to fight like hell to make it through. We are all rooting for you and are all here to support you through anything. Please keep letting all of us know how you're doing.

Please keep in touch
xo, July

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Sunshine Daisy,

I am sorry you are struggling so much right now and that life feels unbearable. However, no matter what, life is always worth living! We are all only blessed with so many days on this Earth so live each day with that in mind. Keep your head up and no that even though things seem bleak, they will look up. I once hear it said that suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem. Seek out some help. Go find a counselor that you can see face to face and express your problems. That is the best thing I have ever done. And...my dog, Jasmine, is my baby too. She understands me when no one else done so I totally understand wanting the best for your animals. But you need to want the best for yourself too.

My thoughts are with you.
Smartgirl

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Sunshine Daisy- You have no I des how much I relate. I were not for my 2 babies (8mo. & 3 1/2) I Feel the exact same way about life. What is the point of going on. I live every day of my life in mind numbing pain, and have to work every day of the week at 3 pt time/ full time jobs to make ends meet. I don't even get to hardly see them at all. I am only 32 and have missed any true enjoyment of most all my life. I lost my first baby to SIDS when she was 3 months, 18 years a go. now I have to have a mobility scooter to even go out to do stuff with my babies (which is rare). I have to face the fact every day that I will most like likely end up with the complete loss of my legs. Some days are tougher than ever, but recently I have fallen into a deep depression with the tragic untimely death of my uncle who was way to young to go. I just try to remember that we are all here to serve a purpose, what ever that may be (we may never know in our life time), and when our purpose is fulfilled we are call on. Stay strong, I know that sounds empty, but that is what I have to tell my self everyday to go on.