Silence speaks in the absence of heart. The story that has been writing itself for 28 years is coming to fruition. The vast chapters on ripped pages and fractured covers. There is pain that resonates in the deepest of souls. The darkest of our hours. Stories founded on faltered states. ALL THE SCREAMS OF HORROR that reside in my mind. My inability to feel safe in safe homes. The quiet sound of desperation to breathe. Reaching out to empty hands. The blood that sept out of tremoring hands. Detached from everyone and everything. These are microcosimns of all the brokness. The constant building of trust only to be let down and not be good enough. I’ve learned to not let people in my life nor trust them. This cancerous mind of mine has wore me weak. I battled for years to fight yet find myself without a fighting spirit. People carried me when i could not stand for myself. I’m in to deep of waters to find the surface. I am in taking lots of water as breathing becomes harder. The surface feel further away in time. Something in me has changed. There is great fear in sharing anything. It feels burdensome and a lost cause. The pain is no lighter after talking, if not, greater. I have lost time as the pressure to die is so great. I feel like i don’t have time to decide to live. It’s not a option. Everything feels numbered and lost. I reiterate I hurt for those who loved me at one point. I will be remembered for all that i “lost”, yet i lost life a long time ago. I have lost so many people who i thought would never leave me including myself. I wore my hands so close to my wrists. People took advantage of me because im too weak to stand up for myself. I have entered a mourning period trying to make peace with the brokeness that runs deep. The screams rest in the distance in my ears. Flooded by memories of screaming, the cutting of skin, and inability to be still all in the hope of peace. I can recall all…the people who spoke to me, when, where, time, and place of these of horrorid episodes. The feelings of wanting to die just to make them stop. Feeling like there was no other way out. The silence that spoke for me when words fell short. People being outside my window. Feeling deserving of death. I never saw them nor could prove them, but feared them. As time becomes further borrowed there is a sense of peace that overcomes me although with great sorrow. All that held me for years is slowly breaking to pieces. I am left to ponder my life…trying to reconcile the good memories to be at peace again. I’m recognizing more and more moments where i needed to be held yet couldn’t look anyone in the eyes. In my darkest moments i honestly wanted someone to notice my pain…to see through the me that people are comfortable talking to. I pray my legacy is that NOBODY should endure such great pain and find comfort in themselves when the world has none to offer. Finds peace after my passing. They won’t need to die by their own hands to see the world how they could never envision it here. I’m sorry although that means nothing to anyone. I would be reminiscent to not speak of the people who were there for me in most of the darkest hours. They tried day and night to keep me here. They loved me when nobody else did yet im to broken to feel it. There will be many who follow my footsteps. Final words aren’t to be spoken at my age yet they are now spoken. I regret my actions, but have no choice. I couldn’t gather the strength to tell the truth. I didn’t want to let you in cause i knew that my days were numbered much like a terminal illness. I knew in my heart that i couldn’t bear to look you in the eyes. I couldn’t muster the words that were written on my heart. I pray that nobody follows. I’m sorry…i have no words to justify my action.
Love you,
Drew
