Flashbacks

The last visit to my psycyatrist was okay, I told her mentally I was doing better but other things were coming to my mind that troubled me.

I told her about flashbacks of an ex I was having that I realized years later would never work out due to his controlling behaviour. It was LDR and we were 14 when we mwt and were in a relationship. I spent my whole life thinking he was great, ignoring his anger issues and controlling behaviour and I believed ’ I can change him. ’ I figured out due to my dads explosive anger, jealousy and neglect I used to like those guys growing up.

When I was 5 , I was in an on and off friendship turned relationship that nearly destroyed me. I went to nursery school with a guy and we met whenever we would wait for each other outside the school to go home I was nice to him , he would push me down, hit me, scream at me and I was rationalizing ‘he needs a friend’ this continued until primary school and it got worse, he later confessed to me when we were teens he slammed the door on my finger, he would yell when I read his comics and insult me calling me ugly, every day, or stupid , I had him on facebook and the same comments under every post.
I still was nice to him and tried to be cordial but eventually some days I would ignore his texts after seeing how horrible he was to me.
We graduated and I blocked out this trauma through out my life and I only saw the few instances he was nice.
When he back in my life as teens and asked for a relationship I agreed. I did not realize this guy had issues and I was his fixation. I regret going on a date with him years later. It was never love.
He told me the reason why he treated me like this was “because I like you but I never knew how to put it into words” he also said wwhen he had a girlfriend (when we moved on) he kept thinking about me.
This guy confessed that he lied when I was in nursery school when he pushed me down and I got hurt and cried, my aunt found out and she was pissed that ’ I fell down’ on my own so I would not get in trouble. I see he lied to my aunt to save HIM from getting in trouble, it was never about me.

His friends used to be bad boys and one of them objectified me. I felt uncomfortable because this friend was trying to hit on me
I think after so many years of abuse I snapped,
I tried helping him, helping him to fix the relationship with his mom but I could not forget his countless hurtful words, the pain I felt , the tears I cried countlessly because I did not understand why a person would hurt another.
I started treated him meanly and blocked him on facebook when he was going to give me something beautiful in a gift and he introduced me to his sister , I couldn’t handle it anymore because in my mind his nice attitude, the words ‘I love you’, me giving him hope in his life could not erase the terror I felt. Due to his actions I cannot remember anything from my nursery school days, it still comes in bits and pieces but not fully .
Presently , I also still think I am ugly even though people say I am not but I cannot take compliments from people (I am working on this).
Presently the past time I saw him he avoided me and makes it seem like it is my fault and probably says that I am a b*** or not a good person . He will NEVER say how he destroyed my life knowingly and I had to escape from him online and scrub away my identity.
i understand now that I am an adult that relationship was toxic and it disturbs me how EVERY ADULT in my life knew how he was treating me this way and never got me out of nursery school or primary school away from him. They just excused it as ‘he has ADHD’ or he is ‘a problem child’. I only learned that as an adult but if someone told me about boundaries, respect wmd how he treated me was wrong and told me why to stop trying to fix him , I would have never
agreed to be with him but I know that is when the adults failed in my life and I accepted it was never my fault.

Due to my parents never removing me from this guy as a child and years of trying to rationalize and walk on eggshells due to my dads behaviour I developed a matyrdom and savior complex for aggresive guys or guys that made me uncomfortable but I ignored red flags.
I am now relieved I no longer see it as attractive now I am grown and I realized it was because of trauma l experienced I used to think these guys wanting to control and own me was ‘love’ because my dad acts the same way. Now I will no longer tollerate this behavior from any guy and if I notice something is off, I remove myself from the situation.
There are some days I think about this guy from childhood and I feel scared like back then and I figured I have to talk about it with someone.
Ever since then as I grew up I experienced this and other harmful behaviours from young boys- grown men from childhood to adolecence. Since I was 17 years old I fear being around men.
I usually hide that feeling since I have to be out in the world and I am good at bottling up my emotions but recently I remembered this person and other things I experience and it crawls my skin remembering the helplessness, worthlessness I felt and changing myself just to please this person or people to avoid being screamed at or silent treatment, putting up with lies, cheating or manipulation or coresion.
Through out my life other bad things has happened but what my dad did to me , it destroyed any safety I feel around a man.
I do not know if I can trust a person on a romantic level or emotionally due to these events.

One time when I was in the hospital in 2020 I hallucinated a hand touching my thigh when I was having a casual conversation with one of the male patients that wanted advice and I helped him with his problem.
When I experienced the hallucination it reminded me of something similar and I started to become distant with him. I know it was triggered because of what happened to me in the past.
I avoided talking about those events then but now it is bothering me so I would have to talk about it, I feel scared of being judged or gaslit into thinking what I experienced is ‘normal’

Try to remember, your parents were supposed to help you and see how this guy was treating you, you were a child. Try to go back in your mind and remind that child that she is safe now, that you are the adult now and will make sure that you make good choices that your childhood self didn’t know she could make, that she wasn’t protected enough to make. You are so aware and doing suck a kicka$$ job of taking care of yourself, going to a psychiatrist, being your best self, we hope you are proud of yourself, because we are so proud of you. -SG

I am prpud of myself for doing this and I will take your advice.
Thank you for the suppourt SG. It helps me to keep going on my joutney.

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