Frustration

I am writing this to help myself vent a little bit. I am tired of feeling like there is a double standard in my life, I messed up things in my life and marriage. I am working hard to change myself for the better. I want to do better and i want to be better. I have joined a support group and meet with them twice a week in person, I am seeing a therapist for myself, I am attending marriage counseling as well.
It seems that while i made mistakes and i am trying to get better, wife can still call things out and blame me for her feelings, I can try and overcome her feelings and her feelings. I am not responsible for her feelings and i can change how she feels, I am be supportive, acknowledge them and talk about it with her, I can try and make more changes in my life that i might be ready to make or make changes that i might not be ready to make in my life to assist her in her battle withs her feelings.

I dont expect her feelings to change but know it takes time as it does for myself to work on my life and feelings. Thera are times just dealing with our feelings and how much of a mess they are, i get so discouraged in our relationship. I need to have the chance to express myself and be able like i can voice my thoughts without being judged or having them held against me.

Ok thanks for reading my venting. I just needed to get some of that out. I will also be talking with her tonight about it.

1 Heart

Is she willing to talk and really listen, it sounds like you are really trying, but she can’t or won’t see that because of how much hurt she is still dealing with. Maybe try writing to each other in a journal, she can write about what is hurting her and you can write back, that way it doesn’t dissolve into crying and yelling and you can also go back or use the journal in counseling. -SG

1 Heart

i think she is willing but then there are times when she gets all defensive and it is all about her. I understand her feeling like that,

That is good that you understand why she feels the way she does, but there has to be some give and take if she wants the marriage to heal. -SG

I hope it goes well, you are working really hard so probably part of this is her own relationship to herself. Because sometimes our self image changes, even if we are witj the ultimate amazing partner. Dont take on too much, emotional boundaries are really important and healthy.

2 Hearts

I can relate to your situation. My marriage fell apart a long time ago, but it does feel like my spouse and I are from different universes that constantly clash. I get what you’re going through; I deal with the same thing, but I don’t have any plans to heal my marriage, unlike what you’re going through.

I messed up a few times too, and I get the proverbial soccer ball kicked in the face every time we talk, and she brings up things I did before we got married, over 20 years ago, which was cheating. She brings up things I did throughout our marriage too, although I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.

Part of the problem with my marriage was that we grew up with different standards and had different thoughts regarding what would be considered as an ideal relationship, and expectations in the relationship. According to her standards, the things I did throughout our marriage were cheating, and according to my standards at the time, they weren’t because they didn’t involve physical contact or intimacy, but in hind sight and looking at things from her perspective, I can see how they would be borderline cheating. My spouse is the same way as yours, and for a long time, I felt the same way as you, that I needed a chance to express myself without being judged, especially without being beaten over the head for my actions I committed 1-2 decades ago.

You might try explaining to your wife that you can’t change the past. What was done before is out of your control, but you can work on the present, and prevent recurrences in the future. You might try taking her out to a Saturday morning breakfast at IHOP, or something like that, so she’s out of the usual environment at home, and so she is somewhere more pleasant. Then, explain to her you need to talk with her about something important, and the only rule is neither of you can bring up the past, but you can discuss and agree on relationship standards and expectations, based on past experiences without laying blame and pointing fingers. You might try telling her, saying I’m sorry doesn’t seem like it’s enough, so let’s work together to ensure this doesn’t happen again.

2 Hearts

We wanted to check in and see how you were doing. -SG

1 Heart

hanging in there and working hard at the marriage. it takes time and things are going ok for now

2 Hearts

That is wonderful news. Marriage, like any good partnership, does take a lot of work. We bet your wife is very appreciative of how seriously you are taking this.

1 Heart