So apparently my ,whatever the fuc* is all wrong with me, has decided to add a new twist. Picture this, Stuck on a 15 hour car trip with family. Understanding someone in a homicidal frame of mind. The bag of snacks constantly crinkling behind my head, the seat being bumped and shaken. Sounds of chewing, voices of frustration and dismissiveness surrounding me. Feelings of everything closing in around me. Panic rising, visions of complete loss of composure surging. Nothing is easing, counting a breathing box, using my senses. Nothing matters because it’s all distracted by the cars in front of me, which are driving appropriate speeds and behaviors, yet I feel this closing in of cycling panic, which is causing me to speed up and crash into all the cars ahead of me. Yet it’s not actually happening. Yet I can sense the constant and inevitable impending doom. The destruction, loss of control. Lack of control. Yet reality and full disillusions conflicting. Scratching myself, trying to bring myself back into reality. The reality I know is there, common sense tells me otherwise, but the senses that refuse to take me back. That allow me to be grounded. Allow me to understand how to survive this. I just want it to all stop. I will it to go away. I beg for some normality. I crave for some peace. I don’t care how that’s achieved.
I just want someone to help me. I need someone to help me. But I know that only I can help myself. Yet I am incapable of helping myself. I am frozen and devastated. Tired and exhausted. Broken hearted and lonely. I don’t know how to help myself. I need someone to show me the way. I beg someone to help me through. It never happens. I know it’s my fault. I refuse all hands that come forward to help. I don’t feel I deserve it, I’m not ready. I don’t care enough. But I hurt so bad. I’m tired of hurting. Yet I’m numb and refuse to feel. I need the numbness to survive. I don’t want to survive. It’s easier to go. But I know I have to. I just want this all to be over. I want the old me back. I don’t remember the old me. Maybe this is the real me. I don’t know anymore. I have days that feel better only to realize it’s not true. My time is so screwed up. Days feel like months. Months feel like days. Why won’t this ever end. I don’t understand. What did I do? Why is this happening? Why can’t I move past it?
I type this pretending that someone cares. But I know that they don’t. At least not the way I want or need. I’m so tired of caring for everyone else, when no one cares for me. But that’s my own fault. I push them away. With hopes that just once I could actually be wrong. But I never am. Reality sucks. It’s all my own doing. All I simply need to do is change my thought of mind. But I can’t. Or Atleast I seem to won’t. Do I want to suffer? I don’t know. Maybe all I know is suffering so that’s what I seek. Maybe I simply want the attention. Or is it a distraction? But really does it matter? Regardless it’s suffering. Suffering of my own doing that I can’t undo. Suffering I deserve? Or want? Does it matter anymore?
Anxiety is the worst and when you are in a small space with people (esp family) it can definitely kick up a notch!
Suggestion: Meditation Music & Ear Pods to mute out the world when you feel yourself getting super anxious and on the verge of a losing it.
I know it might sound silly but it really helps to just tune out the world and the meditation music helps a lot to organically calm your mind & nervous system. I absolutely love my meditation music on YOUTUBE (just search positive meditation music) and you will find numerous playlists.
Love & Light.
I hope your not driving in that state of mind. I assume you are not. You take care. I wish you had some headphones 
. I also assume your in a family car trip for the Holiday. Im glad you have this site to write 
how you feel. Hugs.
Thanks yeah I had headphones with noise blocking, but my child stole them from me. 
5 Below has some really good headphones for legit under $8. I purchased a pair after my child took mine as well! 
lol They work really good and have lasted so far 8 months (fingers crossed I didn’t just jinx it).
I am so happy you are here. A lot of questions in your posts, I feel your pressure. Be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself. These are real feelings you are having. I hear you. You are in a safe and understanding space. Breathe. Do you have grounding tools you use? Which ones work the best in these situations?
See that’s just the problem. Non of my tools work/or I’m too tired to really try. Escaping is the best option.
There is always a solution. Sometimes the shift in the way you feel is just around the corner!!
I have found the answer is usually inside the sufferer. It’s not an outside solution. The solution is inside you.
Do you know what I mean?
Meaning I have to do the work? Which is what I’ve been doing or trying to do. Wish it were that simple. And I disagree. Perhaps that is true in many different scenarios yet there are outside factors that simply are out of my control that have significant influence. Yeah I can do my best to try and change reactions, support systems etc. sometimes though you are a bit at mercy of life too.
Hi! There is always something you can control. Always something you can do. You cannot control everything, but you can focus on those things you can control.
We are all here to help each other. 