Getting stuck in anxiety and self-blame

I really need a place to work through my thoughts and emotions. They get so big and it can become really hard to process them and then continue with what it is I need to do. I’m so fed up of myself and I feel alone with this because often when I try to talk it through, I get responses that leave me feeling more frustrated with myself and also blocked from processing. I grew up with a mum who spoke at me like a wall, though, in order to manage her own anxiety (which of course never did help her address the root problems), so I also feel bad at my own habit of doing this. Just blowing off enough steam to feel like its manageable, until the next time my emotions reach a boiling point, all the while making no concrete changes to my process/lifestyle and taking no decisive action. I recently got diagnosed and given medication for add and so I am trying to be kind about how unfocused I can be. But it is still just so frustrating. I know that I am so anxious, stressed, and feeling stuck because I don’t do what I need to do. Which is in of itself so frustrating because i do believe that I have the capacity to. I wouldn’t say I have low self esteem about my mental capacity and I would even say I am fairly emotionally intelligent. But, I also get frustrated when people just tell me how capable I am and that I shouldn’t worry about the future, my studies, or getting a job, or be hard on myself at all - they see my positive aspects, but I don’t think they see how much my ability to actually do stuff is so often NOT there. I understand why I feel incompetent at times, and why I worry about finding a job or feel like getting basic things done is such an unnecessary struggle. Because often it is - and I experience suffering because of this. I don’t want people to be harsh to me, of course - that sucks too. But, I do wish I didn’t get dragged off in my own head so much and i’m reaching the point that the identity that I always held on to, of being an independent, motivated, capable person, is being really challenged by continuously facing the SAME issues. I have reached my early 30’s and I have changed jobs, towns, countries even so many times, assuming that it is always something about my external environment that was tripping me up (I need more structure, less structure, more friends, less friends, to be around family, to not be around family, more fulfilling work, better paid work, a partner, an interest, more nature, more variety etc), but I am getting that the issue is me and that I really need some help. I don’t think that external factors never had an impact and I do get that I need to put some external things in my life now - but, how!!! Especially when my lack of doing and decisive decision-making leaves me in situations where I have crazy stressful things to deal with at the last minute and when I find it hard to just say, right, this needs doing, this is where I need help, this is what I can just do now. I overthink everything. I get paralysed. Right now, I am living abroad. I have to make a new residency application soon, but because I lost my passport last year and have a temporary one, I also need to get a new passport. I am halfway through the application, but left it until the last minute to ask for the docs I need (not a simple process). I am always so amenable and patient and tentative to ask for what I need and then get frustrated when time is running out that I feel internally really resentful, overwhelmed, and alone and unsupported. I have two massive assignments to submit soon and some days it is impossible to get anything done and on the other days I seem to get lost in details - my laptop frequently has a million tabs open. I am running out of money, my few students have postponed lessons so I am now not earning. I desperately need to finish my assignments so that i can then find full-time work. the idea of that has me feeling like I want to hide under a duvet for the next month, too. Until, I find work, I can’t afford to find somewhere more suitable to live (my current sit is not great!). And, I am finding it hard to socialise because I am so preoccupied with myself. Uff, I do not like being with myself at the moment.

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Glad your here. You can let your emotions out here its safe. There will be others to support you as well. Hugs. :people_hugging: